Strength and Healing
by elphiemolizbethbau
Summary: Sequel to "Strength and Courage". After the one year anniversary of JJ's abduction and assault, she and Emily try to move on with their lives as agents and as a married couple, but that becomes easier said than done when several aspects of their past come back to haunt them...and change them for the better. Femslash. Trigger warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

Strength and Healing

Chapter 1

 **AN: Here it is! The first chapter of the sequel to Strength and Courage! If you haven't read that, you should before reading this story because there is a lot of information in that story you need to know to read this. That being said, let me know if you have any questions. I wanted to wait three days like I usually do between chapters but I was just too excited, so here is your gift for 200 reviews, haha. I have SO MUCH planned for Emily and JJ in this story. I am also playing with the idea of not having flashbacks in every chapter, as some of you suggested. We'll see. (I promise they won't completely disappear.) I also got some requests to have Em's mom in this story. I was already on planning on that, so your wish is my command. As always, please follow and review and let me know what you think! *THIS CHAPTER IS VERY HEAVY—MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING HERE***

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

She was trapped. She had no means of escape, no way to get out. She was going to die and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She was too weak to fight him, too weak to break the cable ties, too weak to continue her in vain attempt at the words "no", "stop", and "please". She closed her eyes. She was too tired. Her life was over, and his would be the last face she would ever see. That thought alone caused her eyes to snap open. _Emily._ She would never see her wife ever again. She wouldn't hear her voice, feel her touch, look into those beautiful eyes…

"Jennifer."

The sound of his voice saying her name made her vomit…again. She tried to ignore him. _Don't ever let the sadist believe he has caused you pain._ She had a hard time doing this when a sharp kick was delivered to her already broken ribs. She bit her lip to stifle the cry, and a drop of blood touched the floor.

"Jennifer."

The cut on her arm had been dragged all over the dirty floor. It occurred to her that she could die of gangrene before he even got to strangling her. She didn't know if that was a bad thing. "Please…."

" _Emily_." He had scoffed at that. He had laughed at her saying her wife's name. She would never want her ever again.

He was there. He was talking to her, touching her, on top of her.

"Jennifer."

She was screaming as loud as she could, but the paralytic had made her weak. "Please, no!"

" _Jennifer."_

He sounded strangely feminine. The way the name flowed from his mouth wasn't sinister. It was gentle.

 _"Jennifer, please."_

What was he begging her for? What kind of game was he playing with her now?

"Please let me go! Please don't hurt me!"

 _"Jennifer, I'm not going to hurt you. C'mon, sweetheart. Please wake up." The voice was pleading with her. It sounded desperate._

"EMILY!"

Emily had to dodge her wife in order to avoid being hit in the face with JJ's head. The brunette took a minute to make sure her wife was aware of what was going on before slowly approaching her.

"Emily?"

The older profiler nodded. "It's just me," she whispered, hesitantly walking forward before sitting on the bed next to her wife.

"Was I asleep just now?" JJ's voice was weak and labored, as she was breathing heavily and her heart was beating out of her chest.

Emily nodded slowly. "Are you going to be able to calm down?" The woman wanted to comfort her wife, but her first priority was ensuring her physical safety.

Realizing that her breathing hadn't slowed, JJ began to panic, shaking her head vigorously. It didn't seem possible, but her heart began to beat faster. Emily became afraid as well when she noticed that her wife was becoming pale. She wasn't getting enough oxygen and she was going to pass out.

The first thing Emily wanted to try was physical contact. In the year since JJ's abduction, Emily had learned that touch either calmed JJ down instantly or it made the situation worse. Could Emily afford to take that risk?

Knowing she didn't have any more time left, the brunette planted a gentle, but rather firm kiss on her wife's lips. Now, this was done with some forethought. Emily had noticed over time that sometimes when she kissed JJ, the blonde would stop breathing for a moment. It wasn't long enough to cause any damage, but it was long enough for her to restart. The brunette likened her improvised technique to a defibrillator in a hospital. When a patient's heart is beating erratically, doctors shock it into stopping, and then starting again with a new rhythm. Luckily for Emily, it worked.

Once the brunette pulled back, JJ's breathing slowed significantly and the color returned to her cheeks. Emily herself had been running on adrenaline from the moment she woke up to her wife's desperate screams. She had been on high alert as today was the first anniversary of JJ's abduction. Emily's breathing began to slow as well and once she trusted her own voice to be relatively calm, she spoke. "Are you okay?"

It was obvious JJ didn't want to talk about it. "I'm fine."

Emily steeled herself. "I don't believe you."

JJ instantly threw herself into her wife's arms. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"Hey," Emily spoke tenderly, gently wrapping her arms around her vulnerable wife. "It's okay. I promise."

This all felt like such a regression for JJ. She was working without any major problems, she and Emily were even making love semi-regularly again. She had thought she'd gotten her life back. Emily instinctively knew that through the fear the nightmare had caused, the fear that the first anniversary of what had happened to her had caused her to revert back to her state when it first happened was what was really distressing JJ.

"We had a feeling this would happen." Emily pulled away slightly so her wife of five years would make eye contact with her, but kept her arms tightly around her. "It's the way PTSD works, my love. It's nothing we can't get through." She didn't say it, but Emily also thought that this had happened before with the women who had abused JJ in the past. She used to have nightmares about them all the time, especially the first one, a sadistic ego-maniac named Erin. The brunette moved one arm in order to wipe her wife's tears. JJ had calmed down significantly. There was nothing like the power of Emily's touch and voice.

The blonde nodded. "I know that. It's just-"

"I know, baby," Emily interrupted in understanding, turning to check the time on the clock by their bed. It was nine in the morning. Because Emily had foreseen this, however, she had requested the week off for both of them. Hotch and Strauss were more than happy to grant it to the two agents.

"Thank you," JJ said, grateful that her wife wasn't going to make her finish that sentence.

Emily nodded. "Of course." The brunette had kept one hand on her wife's back in order to center and comfort her, and had continued to move it up and down slowly in a soothing manner. "Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was just another nightmare about being in Shaffer's basement," JJ clarified, knowing that Emily would worry that she'd had the nightmare of Emily forcing JJ to have sex with her. Thankfully, it only happened once, but it didn't stop the women from being wary of the possibility of it happening again.

"I wouldn't use the word 'just' in that sentence," Emily reminded gently, gingerly brushing a piece of JJ's hair behind her ear.

Suddenly, Emily remembered something that always comforted JJ when she was feeling down or insecure. "Would you be okay here for a few minutes if I went out to buy ingredients for blueberry pancakes?"

JJ instantly smiled. She nodded. "You don't have to do that though."

Emily kissed her wife's cheek. "I know. I want to."

She jumped out of the bed and slipped on some sweats. "Call me if you need me. I'll be ten minutes away."

"I probably need a few minutes alone to take a shower anyway."

Emily narrowed her eyes. "Are you _sure_ you're okay?" she asked, knowing JJ often used showering as a way to metaphorically cleanse herself when she felt dirty.

"I'll be better when I have some pancakes, Em…" JJ laughed.

Emily kissed JJ. "Ten minutes away," she reminded.

"I know," JJ replied as Emily made her way to the door of their bedroom. "Love you."

Emily blew her a kiss and signed "I love you" and then left the room and, grabbing her wallet and keys, she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

* * *

 _It was around the year mark of JJ and Emily's relationship that the blonde had the worst bout of nightmares. It was an every night deal, and after three or four, JJ made and concerted effort to keep herself awake._

 _After much convincing on Emily's part, JJ finally gave in and allowed herself to doze._

 _It was less than an hour later that she was screaming._

 _Emily was of course somewhat of a hypocrite as she did not sleep either. She couldn't bear the thought of her girlfriend being as scared as she got after a nightmare and not being able to comfort her. JJ always told her that she was fine, but Emily knew better. She reminded herself that she was right as she reached over to gently shake her girlfriend. "Jen."_

 _JJ continued to writhe and jerk around, seemingly trying to escape from something. Emily spoke louder. "Jennifer."_

 _Still nothing._

" _JJ, please." Emily only used her girlfriend's nickname when she was desperate, and not knowing the extreme effect it had on her, used it to get her attention._

 _JJ shot up in bed. "Jennifer," Emily said slowly, "you were having a nightmare."_

 _JJ sighed. "Thanks for waking me up."_

" _What was the nightmare about?" Emily asked, already knowing the answer, but wanting her girlfriend of one year to be able to talk to her about what happened to her in her past. Emily wanted JJ to feel comfortable confiding in her about the trauma she suffered at Erin, Brittany, and Elizabeth's hands (at the time, Emily didn't even know their names)._

" _You know," JJ replied blankly. "I don't really want to talk about it."_

" _Okay," Emily replied, trying not to make her frustration evident. "I won't make you if you're not ready."_

 _The blonde got out of the bed wordlessly and went to take a shower._

* * *

Emily arrived at their local grocery store a little later than she expected to. There was a little traffic and she had gotten a call from a worried Penelope Garcia, who wanted to know how JJ was doing on the year anniversary of her abduction and assault. It was a sweet gesture, but Emily was in a rush to get home to her wife, so she told Garcia she couldn't talk and that she'd update the team later.

The brunette strode into the baking goods aisle, looking for flour. She knew exactly what she was searching for, so she finished shopping quickly. In ten minutes, she had bought flour, eggs, sugar, oil, butter, and blueberries, and checked out at the cash register.

Emily walked with her wagon to the car, loading it in an miraculously short amount of time, and then put it back by the store.

She stopped when she heard a voice she vaguely recognized.

"Hey, Emily!"

She turned around and thought the only appropriate words for the situation. _Oh shit_.

 **AN: I was going to make it hard for you all to guess who it was, but then the rest of the chapter fit itself together and now it's easy to figure out. This story is going to be all about JJ and Emily fighting demons (and saving angels) from their past, so get ready! Please review and let me know what you think and what you want to see happen!**

 **Thanks everyone!**


	2. Chapter 2

Strength and Healing

Chapter 2

 **AN: I do want to take a moment to say this—it has been a sad week in the world, so I want to dedicate this chapter to those who have been affected by the tragedies in France and in the Middle East and Asia. I don't know where you all are from, but if you've been affected by needless violence, I want to extend my deepest condolences. As a fellow human being, I want no part in any of this violence, whether in offense or so-called "defense."**

 **Alright, on with Chapter 2! Thank you all for the wonderful reviews I got on the first chapter. I was told this story wasn't showing up in the Criminal Minds archive. Is it now? I don't know how often chapters will have flashbacks. If something occurs to me, or if there is something you all really want to see, I'll add one to a particular chapter. Also, chapters for this story will probably be shorter and it may take longer for me to update—I'm graduating this year and I am about to get a job. But don't fear—I will not abandon this story and I will try not to make you guys wait more than a week for updates.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

The way that Emily turned around in that instant resembled a movie moment. Indeed, Emily felt like she was in a movie. How could she have run into a particular person twice in one year after having absolutely no contact for the previous two decades?

The brunette didn't even know what to say. She was still working through her shock at the situation. She was also trying to get over the bomb of anger that had exploded within her. _How dare she speak to Emily…._

The woman in question was waiting for Emily to respond. She knew she had caught her in an un-guarded moment and was anxiously awaiting her chance to pounce.

The moment brown eyes met green Emily couldn't help herself any longer. She reached out and grabbed the other woman's wrist roughly, much more roughly than she would ever dream of touching her wife, and all but dragged her into a private alley.

Emily didn't even think before she began speaking, a fire in her voice that could rival the heat of the sun. "Why the hell are you even still in this country?"

The redhead smirked. "You think I'm afraid enough of you to _leave_?" She snorted. "I have to hand it to you. You and Jayje put up a united front that day in the café. I was impressed. But c'mon, you and I both know she couldn't fight off a teddy bear."

"Erin, I swear to you," Emily snarled, "I will not hesitate knock you into a coma. You better be careful what you say to me."

Erin giggled. "That protectiveness," she observed with a sly wink. "It's damn right sexy." The manipulative woman made quick work of her surroundings, noting that nobody could see them and JJ was nowhere to be found. She lowered her voice. "Why don't you come back to my apartment?" She stepped impossibly closer to Emily, and the brunette let her because she was just waiting for an excuse to kill her. "I promise to give you everything you've been missing out on for who knows how long with that weak little flower…."

That was it. The sentence had barely escaped Erin's lips before Emily's fist made contact. The brunette profiler allowed a moment to pass for Erin to regain her bearing before getting within inches of her bruised eye and speaking. "That was with hesitation. If I _ever_ lay eyes on you again, I will rip your throat out. Understood?"

Erin made one last attempt to laugh through her pain. "That anger….You seem to be in desperate need of release. C'mon, JJ isn't even here."

Emily's hand jerked in response to the comment, but she stopped herself in her tracks. "You're not worth it," she muttered before turning around in order to make her way back to her car. She had been gone for nearly an hour and JJ would surely begin to worry. She turned back to Erin once more. "No one saw any of that, so if you want to report this incident, I'll have to tell local PD and my team everything you've done, including the sexual harassment today, which, by the way, you can be prosecuted for."

The angry brunette strode back to her car, leaving Erin in shock. She knew she reacted with impulsive anger and probably hadn't made the best decisions in the last few minutes, but with the anniversary of JJ's abduction and all that came with it, Emily couldn't help being reactive. Her wife would know something had happened even if she tried to hide it. Emily decided to make JJ her pancakes and ignore it for as long as she could before she absolutely had to tell her about her interaction with that evil bitch, Erin. Emily couldn't believe the woman (she hated even using that word to describe what that _thing_ was) had actually come on to her when she was clearly committed to JJ. _What nerve._

Once she got in the car, Emily took out her phone and pushed speed dial 1.

"Emily?"

The profiler was still extremely angry, but the sound of her wife's voice on the other end of her phone calmed her down exponentially. "Hey, Jen," she sighed. "It took me a little longer than usual, but I should be home in about ten minutes. Is everything okay there?" she asked, pulling out of her parking spot.

"Yeah, everything's good," JJ replied, a hint of concern in her voice. "Are _you_ okay? You sound a little flustered?"

Emily tried to laugh it off. "Yeah, just a long line in the grocery store. I guess a lot of people needed stuff for breakfast," she explained, which wasn't a complete lie—the store was a little crowded.

"You've always been a little impatient—well, with everyone except for me," JJ observed with a gentle laugh. "Okay, well I don't want you to be talking on the phone and driving."

"Yeah," Emily agreed. "Okay, love, see you in a few minutes."

"Love you, Em. Bye," JJ said before hanging up the phone and going to sit on the couch to wait for her wife.

Emily placed her cell phone inside the compartment in the center console and sighed dramatically. Her life was a romantic comedy mixed with a tragedy and a horror movie. She guessed that was the way life was.

* * *

 _"I appreciate you taking the time yesterday to show me around," Emily thanked JJ as they sat in a bar the day after she had joined the team._

 _JJ nodded. "Of course. It was no problem."_

 _The women were instantly intrigued by one another and wanted to learn as much as they could about each other as fast as possible. The two had gotten into a conversation of favorites._

 _"What kind of movies do you like?" JJ asked at some point._

 _"I like horror movies," Emily had replied with a chuckle at her own expense._

 _"Really?" JJ questioned in surprised. "I would think you'd have seen enough horror stories in Interpol."_

 _Emily shrugged. "It's a guilty pleasure. And you?"_

 _"I'm not much of a movie person. In fact," laughed the blonde, "I much prefer musicals."_

 _Emily raised an eyebrow. "Musicals? Like_ Cabaret _and_ Cats _? But, they're so_ happy _!"_

* * *

 _JJ laughed. "You've obviously never seen_ Cabaret _. Musicals are much more realistic than you'd think, actually. Aside from the random dancing and spontaneous singing, of course. My favorite shows can make you laugh one moment and cry the next. I think real life is a lot like that."_

"Emily, can we talk?"

Emily was instantly unnerved by the tone in her wife's voice.

"What's going on, love?" Emily questioned as she put the last plate from dinner in the sink and went to sit back down next to JJ at the table.

"Something is going on with you," JJ pointed out. "I don't know what it is but it's not good and it's been bothering you all day."

Emily sighed. "Jennifer, this is probably not the best time to have this conversation."

"Why?" JJ was becoming upset. "Because of post-traumatic stress? Emily, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with PTSD. You can't censor yourself for my benefit tomorrow. Honestly, it gives me more anxiety than it takes away."

"Okay. I'll tell you. But you have to promise to try not to get upset."

"I can promise to try. But I can't control how I react to things, Em. Whatever it is seems like a big deal."

Emily took a deep breath. "Everything is okay. I promise. You understand that?"

JJ breathed out forcefully. "The longer you stall, the more upset I'm getting, Em."

"I saw Erin today," Emily blurted in a rushed breath.

JJ immediately stood up. "You…you what?"

"She was at the grocery store," Emily attempted to explain, standing up and reaching out a hand to her wife to keep her calm. "She called my name. I turned around."

JJ turned from her wife's touch. " _My_ Erin?" JJ clarified, hoping for an extended moment that Emily was referring to their section chief, Erin Strauss.

Emily nodded, causing a ball of nausea to rise in JJ's throat.

"What did she say to you?" JJ all but choked out.

"She, um…." This was the part that Emily was dreading telling JJ the most, but she had to trust that her wife trusted her. "She came on to me actually?"

The look on JJ's face was one that cannot be described. "She what?"

Emily decided that total honesty was probably the best route at this point. "Sit down, Jen." JJ for some reason felt an immediate obligation to obey, so she did as she was told.

"Jennifer," Emily began, lifting her wife's hand off the table and placing a kiss to the back of it, "you know that I would never even dream of-"

JJ cut her off. "What did she tell you?"

Emily sighed. "She implied that she could 'give me what I've been missing out on with you.'"

The disgust in the profiler's voice was evident, but JJ already felt defeated. "She's probably right, to be honest."

Emily couldn't believe what she was hearing. She sat down next to JJ and physically turned her wife's chair so she faced her. "What?"

JJ ran her right hand through her hair, and with a slouch and a dejected sigh repeated, "She was probably right."

Emily felt anger surge through her again, but she was careful to make sure JJ understood the anger wasn't being directed towards her. She reached out and with two finger, gently lifted JJ's chin so her eyes met Emily's. "Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know," JJ replied, shaking her head, anxiety spreading through her veins.

Emily nodded, mostly to herself, as the reason for JJ's return to self-doubt became evident. "Is this because of the nightmare this morning and because of last night?" The night before had been quite eventful. Emily and JJ had attempted to have sex (which Emily wasn't sure about to begin with) and it had ended with a panic attack on JJ's part, which was not unexpected. Emily felt at fault, but to be truthful, it was those piercing blue eyes that she couldn't say no to. They had been having sex regularly for a couple of months, and it wasn't until the night before that JJ had experienced an intense negative reaction. It was easy to conclude that it was due to the first anniversary.

JJ tried desperately to break eye contact with her wife, but with gentle force, Emily managed to hold her wife's chin up. Eventually, the blonde nodded. "But why would Erin say that to you if it wasn't true?"

"Erin lied to you all the time. What are you talking about?"

"But why would she lie to you?"

"Jennifer," Emily breathed, "Erin is a manipulative narcissist. That's what they do. You have to know that."

"I do," JJ agreed. "It's just hard to be objective here."

"Hey," Emily said, offering a hint of optimism, "you survived the first anniversary of your abduction. You've survived for a whole year. Three hundred sixty-five days of step-by-step recovery. That's impressive."

JJ nodded. "You're right. So, what did you do when she came on to you?" JJ asked, already knowing the answer.

"I hit her in her stupid face."

 **AN: Alright, I hope you enjoyed chapter 2. Do you think Emily scared Erin off this time? Please leave a review for me!**


	3. Chapter 3

Strength and Healing

Chapter 3

 **AN: Chapter 3! I have to say the inspiration for this chapter hit me at six in the morning! And now it will be the beginning of a long term storyline. It's time to get rid of Erin for good! (Maybe ;) ) This is one of the chapters I've done research for, so I'm like ninety-nine percent sure the information here is accurate. Feel free to fact check me if you want! For those of you who don't know, a statute of limitations is basically a law that sets a maximum time after a crime for prosecution to begin. I changed the timeline of JJ's life from the show just a little because I needed to for this story line. Hope it makes sense!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Later that evening, JJ and Emily were lying in bed together, in complete silence. It had been an intense day. The stress of the first anniversary of JJ's abduction was enough to put them on edge, but adding the shock of Emily running into Erin contributed more to the couple's anxieties.

Needless to say, JJ was not feeling very pleased with herself. She had finally gotten some semblance of her life back, and now it was all ruined. Erin knew that JJ was vulnerable; she always had been—that's the negative side of being a sensitive person. Erin also knew that JJ knew the malicious redhead would not give up. When Erin Driver wanted something, anyone who got in her way ended up regretting it. JJ also knew that Erin enjoyed this fact.

JJ sighed.

Emily turned to her wife. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

"I…." JJ cut herself off. "This is never going to end." The blonde shook her head and placed her hands on her face in frustration. "Never."

"Elaborate?" Emily knew that her wife was referring to Erin in some way, but wasn't quite sure where she was going with her statement of negativity.

"Erin," JJ confirmed. "She'll never leave us alone. Never. Not until she gets to you, not until you leave me…." JJ's voice broke slightly at the end, but she tried to cover it up. She needed to be strong because eventually, she'd be by herself and she needed to learn to control her emotions; no one besides Emily would ever put up with it.

Emily could see JJ regressing. It was happening by the second and the brunette had no idea how to stop it. She reached forward and placed her hand on her wife's arm in comfort. "Jennifer," she spoke intensely. "I would never—"

JJ shook her head. "This isn't about your loyalty to me, Emily," she explained, almost detached. "Erin always gets what she wants. And if she wants you, she'll have you. She'll do anything, even if it means hurting me, or…." The blonde profiler couldn't bring herself to finish the awful sentence.

Emily moved herself closer to her wife, using the hand that was already in contact with JJ to pull the blonde closer to her. Emily tucked a piece of JJ's hair behind her ear. Her voice was serious and intense, but the gentleness in it was palpable. "I need you to listen to me. Are you listening?"

JJ nodded meekly, quickly wiping away a tear that had escaped her eye against her will.

" _That_ ," she stressed, "is _never_ going to happen."

JJ reluctantly nodded. "But you don't know that."

Emily shot up like a rocket and grabbed her laptop, beginning to type furiously. "What are you doing, Emily?" JJ asked, alarmed at her wife's sudden movement and change in demeanor.

Emily didn't answer. "How long did you tell me the statute of limitations on sexual abuse in D.C. was?"

JJ sat up. "Fifteen years. Why?"

The brunette kept typing as she began to explain. "Erin seemed to know that at the café when you confronted her, but it was almost as if she was afraid of something. Here," she said, pointing to the laptop and showing JJ what she was reading. "The statute of limitations on first and second degree sexual abuse is fifteen years."

"Okay, so we already knew it was too late to prosecute. I was too afraid when it was possible and now I have to live the rest of my life knowing Erin wants to steal you from me." JJ sighed, trying to calm herself down. "I don't see how this is helpful at all."

"Wait." An idea hit Emily and she began to scroll. "Jen," she began, "didn't you start college a little early?"

"Yeah," JJ confirmed. "I got my high school diploma early, so I could move to D.C. I participated in a program that had me take college classes in high school, so by the time I was sixteen, I was a college freshman. I don't understand why that matters."

Emily nodded, pleased with where this was going. "The entire time you were with Erin, you were sixteen, correct?"

JJ nodded. "Yeah…. Em, will you please explain to me where you're going with this?"

Emily closed the laptop. "I don't think you've ever thought about it this way, Jen, but Erin technically committed child sexual abuse in the first degree."

JJ was flabbergasted. "Wait…what?"

"How old was Erin when she hurt you?" Emily asked.

"I'm still so confused. She, uh," JJ stammered, "was twenty, I think."

Emily nodded. "Yeah. Sweetie, it was definitely child sexual abuse."

"But, there has got to be technicalities to that, you know, that make it technically something else," JJ tried to rationalize. "I mean, she wasn't that much older than me. And she isn't a pedophile, she's just kind of a sadist."

"Jen," Emily said, reaching out to take both of her wife's hands. "This is actually a good thing."

"Okay, now I'm really confused."

"The statute of limitations on child sexual abuse is still fifteen years, but the clock doesn't start until the victim is twenty-one."

It had been months since JJ had heard herself referred to as a victim. It hadn't gotten any easier.

"I'm not thirty-six yet."

"Which means…" Emily continued.

"We're not too late…."

* * *

 _The morning after the JJ-and-Emily's-first-anniversary-Erin-triggering-sex fiasco, Emily knew there was a conversation she needed to start with her wife. So, after they sat down to breakfast, Emily spoke._

 _"Hey, Jen?"_

 _JJ could tell what this conversation would be about by the tone of her wife's voice. "Yeah?"_

 _"Can we talk about what happened last night?"_

 _JJ placed her fork down. "I hope you don't think I was using you last night. Having sex with you really does comfort me."_

 _Emily smiled and took her wife's hand. "I know that. So, no, I don't think you were using me. If I had thought that, I wouldn't have gone through with it."_

 _JJ nodded. "Okay, so what's this about?"_

 _"The women who abused you must have traumatized you a lot more than either of us thought," Emily explained. "You kind of really freaked me out last night."_

 _"I'm really sorry, Emily. I promise I'll try—"_

 _"Stop." The word was spoken with authority, and as much as Emily hated doing it, it was sometimes the only way to get JJ to focus. "I am not angry with you. You didn't do anything wrong."_

 _"But you said—"_

 _"You_ did _scare me. But more than that, it makes me really angry and sad that anyone would hurt you the way you've been hurt. What scares me is I don't know how to help you."_

 _"What you did last night helped me," JJ said. She lifted their joined hands. "This_ helps _me. You help me just by being you, Em. Really."_

 _Emily nodded. "I'm only going to ask this once and then I promise I'll never bring it up again. Have you ever thought about prosecuting these women? Especially the first; she seems to have done the most damage."_

 _JJ nodded. "At one point, I was interested enough to look up the statute of limitations on sexual abuse in D.C."_

 _"And?"_

 _"For first and second degree, its fifteen years. I'm not sure which one of the two applies to me though. Either way, I just can't, Em. Please don't make me." The pitch of the blonde's voice rose as she spoke, and Emily could tell she was beginning to panic._

 _"Hey," Emily comforted tenderly, squeezing the hand that was intertwined with hers. "I told you I wouldn't make you, alright? It's okay…."_

 _JJ took a deep breath. "I just, I don't know what I'd do if I saw her again. I bet the very sight of her would cause me to revert back to that vulnerable, scared…little girl, basically."_

 _"You know," Emily said, "you never even told me her name. Maybe talking about it would help."_

 _JJ shook her head vigorously. "I honestly would rather pretend it never happened."_

 _"Jen, you can't do that," Emily reminded, standing up and pulling JJ up with her. "Do you want to stay afraid of her forever?"_

 _"Of course not!"_

 _"Well, then, one day, and it could be years down the road, you_ are _going to have to open up to someone. It doesn't have to be me."_

 _JJ nodded as Emily slowly wrapped her arms around her. "I'm not ready now," she said._

 _"That's okay," Emily assured before placing a soft kiss to the top of JJ's head and tightening her hold into a hug._

 _"But, Em?" JJ asked she relaxed into her wife's embrace._

 _"Mhm?" Emily whispered into JJ hair._

 _"But when I am, I want it to be you."_

* * *

"Jennifer, I promised you I'd never ask you about this again, and I don't want to break that promise, but I can't think of another way to make you feel safe again. I feel like after every hill we climb together, a _mountain_ just appears, out of the blue."

JJ nodded. "I understand, Em. And I feel the same way. This is our only chance to keep her away from us. For a few years, at least."

Emily sighed and lied down. JJ did the same. "Baby, where do you want to start with this? Do you want to call Mr. Reynolds? Hotch?"

JJ shrugged, propping her head up on her hand. "I don't know. For all my FBI career, I've never seen a child sex abuse case, definitely not one where the victim was a teenager."

"What if we talked to Morgan?"

"What?"

"You said it yourself Jen, you never thought you could actually go through with it, but you looked up the statute of limitations on sexual abuse. Maybe Morgan has done some research of his own.'

JJ shook her head. "No." She was adamantly against this idea. "I know how much it hurts. It's not worth it to bring back those memories for my friend."

"I don't think Derek would see it that way, sweetheart. I think the entire team would do whatever they could for you, and you know that. Remember how everyone was with the Shaffer trial?"

"Honestly, Em, I don't know if I could survive another trial like that. There was so much evidence against Shaffer and I still got attacked by the defense attorney. Erin's attorney would have an actual defense here. There's no evidence."

The brunette knew without any physical evidence, it would be all but impossible for a jury to convict Erin. Emily thought for a moment. "That scar on your stomach—you've had it since before we were together. What's it from?"

Emily knew the answer to the question almost immediately, as a lone tear flowed down JJ's cheek. Before she could wipe it away, it fell onto Emily's shirt, right above her heart.

 **AN: Heavy chapter, I know. Sorry, you guys! So, who's ready for another trial? What do you want to happen? Please leave me a review and let me know what you think! By the way, sorry about all the typing mistakes in the last chapter. I was writing in a rush!**

 **-Gabby**


	4. Chapter 4

Strength and Healing

Chapter 4

 **AN: Here is a little Thanksgiving treat (if you live in the U.S.) for you all! I am thankful for all my amazing readers and reviewers. So, these chapters leading up to the second trial I am writing will pretty much all be extremely heavy. From your reviews, I can tell a lot of you really enjoy my angsty chapters, so I'm hoping this is a good thing. There is no flashback in this chapter because I think this story is best told in JJ's words. That being said, the story JJ tells is rather GRAPHIC, but I tried to offset it with Emily's gentleness so it isn't too bad. I hope It works well.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Derek, I really appreciate that. You're a great friend."

"Of course, Emily," the chocolate profiler replied over the phone. "We take care of our own. I just can't believe—JJ, man." The sound of her friend punching a nearby wall travelled to Emily's ears.

"I know, Derek. I know," she empathized, with complete understanding of his anger. "The stories of what happened to her have been coming to me in snippets for almost ten years. I still don't know everything."

Derek opened his mouth to reply, but then thought better of adding fuel to the fire. "I can put out an APB for her, but I need a reason. I don't know how much you want to get out to the media at this point…."

"Um," Emily thought, "stalking and the sexual harassment of federal agents should work for now."

Emily couldn't see it, but Derek nodded. "What do you want us to do once we book her?"

"Interrogate her. I don't care what you do, make her confess to something. Even if she just admits to having sex with Jennifer, maybe we can get her on statutory rape."

"Emily, I promise you—Hotch and I will get it all out of her. I'll call you when we find her. Send JJ our love."

"I will. Goodnight, Derek."

"Goodnight, Prentiss."

"The team is in," Emily informed her wife, walking back into their bedroom. "Morgan is putting out an APB."

The incredibly exhausted blonde woman looked over to her bedside clock. It was 12:01. "Well, anniversary number one is officially over. And I officially feel like I did a year ago," she sighed.

JJ had not moved from her place in the bed the entire time her wife was talking to Morgan. All she could hear of the conversation was her wife's forceful whispering and Morgan's angry yelling on the other end.

Emily quickly got into the bed and wrapped her arms around her wife. "We're going to get through this, sweetheart. Just like everything else."

"But why do we have to?" Emily could see true sadness in her wife's eyes. "I've been through so much already." The blonde's voice cracked. She delivered the final sentence through a sob: "Why can't I just be happy?"

A tearful breath escaped Emily as she tightened her grip on her wife. "I'm trying really hard to believe there is a reason for all this, I really am, but I just…no matter how hard I try, I just can't see how any higher power could justify what has happened to you."

JJ noticed the out Emily had inadvertently given her. "Well, I got you."

Emily couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face, but she sobered quickly. "Since neither of us are going to sleep, do you want to talk about that scar?"

JJ nodded with a shaky sigh. "Could it be used as evidence?"

Emily nodded. "Depending on the circumstances and medical records. Did you go to the hospital after it happened?"

"Yeah, I did," she replied, sitting up. "Do you want me to just take you through that night?"

"If you can," Emily said, reaching behind her for her phone. "Can I record it? Just, you know…so you don't have to tell it again."

JJ's heart swelled at how considerate her wife was being, how considerate she always was. She nodded.

"Okay," Emily started, pressing 'record' on her phone. "I'm right here, okay? You're completely safe now. If you need to stop, just tell me. We don't have to do this." The brunette took both of her wife's hands in hers and squeezed gently. "Whenever you're ready."

"So, I told you before that she used to force me to get drunk before she'd, um…assault me." After everything that had happened to her, JJ couldn't bring herself to say the word 'rape'. And it was almost as unbearable to hear Emily say it. "But sometimes, she'd want me sober. Um…."

"Take your time," Emily assured with a gentle squeeze to JJ's hands.

"Those times, she'd control me with a knife."

Emily couldn't stop a tear from rolling down her cheek.

"I'm sorry, Em," JJ apologized. "I don't want to make you upset."

The brunette shook her head. "Don't worry about me, love," she commanded softly. "You can keep going whenever you're ready…."

JJ nodded. "She didn't actually use it all that often. Usually, the sight of it was enough to keep me in line. Once in a while, she'd press it lightly on my stomach, barely enough to draw blood—it made cuts that went away in days." She took a deep breath. "But, um…one night, I just wasn't having it."

Emily began moving her thumbs over her wife's hands in comfort. "Just remember that you're not there anymore. You're with me, okay?" It was important for Emily to make sure JJ didn't dissociate or flash back.

"I'm okay, Em."

"What happened next?"

"The first thing she always did when I became defiant in anyway…was uh…well, she'd take the knife and flip it and hold the blade—with gloves on her hands so she wouldn't cut herself, and um…she'd use the handle to…I'm sorry, Em, I can't say it."

"It's okay," Emily promised instantly with a grounding squeeze to her wife's hands. "You don't have to." She stopped the recording on her phone. "Do you want to take a break?"

Instead of answering, JJ darted from the bed and into the bathroom. Emily found her crouched over the toilet, vomiting the little food she had eaten that day. The brunette gently guided her to the floor as she held her hair back. When JJ was finished, Emily handed her a towel to wipe off her face with. As she talked, Emily rubbed her wife's back slowly. "We don't have to finish this."

"No, I want to," JJ insisted, trying to pick herself up from the ground and hitting a wall of dizziness.

Emily guided her back down, and kept an arm around her. "Okay, give yourself a few minutes here." The brunette happened to have a paper cup in their bathroom, so she filled it up with water from the tap before handing it to her wife, who clutched it tightly in shaky hands. "Drink slowly."

After she had finished the cup, JJ handed it back to Emily. "Thank you, Em."

"Of course, my love. Do you want to try standing up?" she asked, reaching out both hands to help her up. JJ grabbed them and within seconds, she was standing on two feet. "Do you feel steady?"

JJ nodded. "Can we finish this?"

Emily nodded. "If you feel like you can."

Emily wrapped an arm around JJ and guided her back to the bed. Once they were both settled, Emily pressed resume on her recorder app. "Do you want to pick up where you left off?" Emily grabbed both of her wife's hands again to make sure she stayed in the present.

"On that particular night, I decided to fight her. I don't know what made me do it. I, um…I tried grabbing the knife from her, but she just pushed the handle deeper." It occurred to Emily that this might be the reason that JJ was never open to using toys in their sex life.

The brunette was barely succeeding in keeping an objective tone of voice. "What happened after that?"

"She decided to punish me, as if _raping_ me with a knife handle wasn't punishment enough." JJ laughed a humorless laugh before shaking her head. "When she did this, I would usually cry. I'm a crier, you know that. I don't handle pain well, never have. The deeper she cut into my stomach, the more defiant my gaze became. She didn't stop until I whimpered a little. I fought too hard, she cut too deep. We both knew I needed stiches."

Emily wanted desperately to comfort her wife, but she needed JJ to finish telling her what happened, so she settled for a caress of her cheek. "So, you went to the hospital?"

JJ nodded. "She drove, and the entire way, she angrily lectured me on a bullshit story about the knife slipping as I was cutting vegetables."

"Did she express any concern for you whatsoever?" JJ knew Emily was asking this question for the record and not because she believed Erin cared about her at all.

"No," JJ said. "She kept saying how it was all my fault, this wouldn't have happened if I would have behaved myself."

Emily couldn't help herself. "You know that's not true, correct?"

JJ nodded. "I do. I didn't at the time though."

"Can I ask you a few more questions, for the record?"

"Sure," JJ replied, taking a hand out of one of her wife's in order to wipe a tear.

"We're almost done," Emily assured. "Just give me one more minute," she promised. JJ nodded. "Okay, so which hospital did you go to?"

JJ sniffed. "Georgetown."

"You didn't say her name once through the entire testimony. I understand why, but can you say it once?"

"Erin Driver."

Emily nodded. "Thank you. One more thing—how old were you and Erin when these events occurred?"

"I was sixteen. She was twenty."

Emily stopped the recording. "What do you need right now?"

"I don't know." JJ simultaneously wanted to launch herself into her wife's arms and run away.

"Can I hug you?" Emily asked gently.

JJ could see that Emily really needed to hold her. JJ realized then how much she needed it too. There was a negligible amount of time between the blonde's nod and the hug. "I'm so proud of you, Jennifer," Emily whispered into her wife's ear.

"Thank you," JJ choked out.

Emily pulled back slightly in order to make eye contact. "We're gonna get her, I promise."

At that moment, Emily's phone rang. She picked it up. "Prentiss."

"Hey, Prentiss, sorry to bother you so late." It was Rossi. "I wanted to let you know that we have Erin here at Quantico. She was at some bar and I chased her down."

"That was fast," Emily observed.

"Well, no one messes with my family and gets away with it. How's JJ?" he asked.

Emily looked over at her wife, who was looking at her expectantly. "I just recorded a testimony of what happened on a particular night that left a scar on her abdomen. She's doing okay, considering."

Emily heard chatter on the background before Rossi spoke again. "Penelope wants you to know that she's going to find everything she can on Erin. We sent Derek home because he's been working all day. He'll be back tomorrow morning, but Aaron and I are going to start working her. I have a friend in the CIA. He's going to help us with the interrogation."

"Wow," Emily said. "What are you gonna—you know what, I don't actually want to know. Do whatever is necessary."

"That was the plan. Try to get some sleep tonight, Emily."

"I can lie and tell you that I will, but I think you'd be able to tell." Emily heard Rossi's gentle, fatherly laugh on the other end. "Should Jen and I come in tomorrow?"

"If I figure out a good angle, I might be able to get you in the interrogation room, but I want to keep that monster away from JJ for as long as possible," Rossi replied protectively.

"Ok, Dave. I'll talk to you guys in the morning. Thank you for everything."

"No problem, Emily. You should thank my lovely Chief Strauss, who has assigned B team to any cases that come through the unit in the next four weeks."

"I definitely will, Dave. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, bella."

"So…?" JJ asked after Emily had hung up.

"They have her." Emily got into the bed, suggesting to JJ that she do the same. "Are you up for a little field trip tomorrow?"

"To where?" JJ asked, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose.

"Georgetown. I want to try to get a hold of your hospital record for that night. There might be some helpful stuff there. It would also be convenient to get in touch with whoever treated you in the ER. I can go by myself if you're not up for it."

"No, I need to get out of the house anyway."

"Okay," Emily replied. "Try to get some sleep," she said, pulling her wife close. "I love you."

Instead of replying with three words, JJ decided to say something else. "You know, I never take it for granted. Your love."

Emily pressed a loving kiss to her wife's hair. "I know. Neither do I."

"Emily?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Thank you. For teaching me that what Erin did to me was not okay. If I hadn't met you, I would probably still believe I deserved it."

Emily moved her hand slowly up and down JJ's back. "You deserve so much more than even I could ever give you. I sometimes feel like I don't do enough to help you heal."

JJ lifted her head in order to shake it. "You saved my life, Emily. More than once. You save me every day."

 **AN: This might actually be the most intense chapter I have ever written, so sorry! Please leave a review and let me know what you think.**


	5. Chapter 5

Strength and Healing

Chapter 5

 **AN: Here is chapter 5, the next morning. Again, no flashback. For now, I want to tell the story of the present. Hope you're all okay with that. And thank you all for continuing to review and read my story. It means a lot!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Derek Morgan was preparing himself to murder Erin Driver. He had never met a woman so sadistic in his entire life. In fact, up until last night, he believed that only men could reach this level of evil. Obviously, he was wrong. He didn't know exactly what this woman had done to one of his best friends, but he knew he had to find out.

As he strode out of the interrogation room, he slammed the door. He angrily stalked to Hotch and Rossi who were having a conversation a few feet away. "How do we break this bitch?" Morgan slammed his fist against his own desk in the bullpen.

"Not by yelling at her, Morgan," Hotch reprimanded. "She isn't easily intimidated."

"Emily and JJ are on their way in," Rossi added.

"No." Morgan ran a hand over his bald head. "We can't let JJ get near her. You don't know what will happen."

"You're right," Hotch acknowledged. "But what won't happen is more of this."

The BAU had been interrogating Erin for almost twelve hours, and by this point, they knew they were wasting valuable time. The elevator dinged and out walked Emily and JJ, hand-in-hand.

"Hotch, man, are you sure this is a good idea?" Morgan questioned his unit chief in a whisper.

"I'm not sure, Morgan, but we won't let JJ go in there alone. We need to make a plan."

Morgan walked up to his friends and immediately wrapped his arms around JJ. The blonde tensed at the touch initially. She hadn't been touched at all by a man in a long time. She felt kind of engulfed in the hug, but she hid her discomfort, knowing her friend just wanted to offer her some support, which she needed. "Hey, Derek," JJ greeted, wrapping on arm around him and leaving the hand connected to the other arm in Emily's. "Thank you for helping us with this."

"Of course, Jayje," he assured. "We're all here for you."

Morgan released JJ and then hugged Emily. "How are you doing?" he asked, already knowing that the brunette was the only one angrier than he was.

"As is expected," was her reply as she returned her friend's hug.

Hotch approached then, with Rossi right behind him. "Have you spoke to the ER doctor that treated JJ that night yet?"

Emily shook her head. "We don't know who it is, so we're going to go talk to the doctor that treated Jennifer last year during her lunch break, which is in about an hour."

"Okay," Hotch replied. "We won't keep you longer than that. We need to find a way of intimidating Erin into talking. She told us that you punched her, Emily, and she has the black eye to prove it."

"She was harassing me, it was self-defense," the brunette explained, while wrapping an arm around her wife. She needed support right now, professionalism be damned.

JJ, as usual, melted into her wife's touch. "Em's not going to get in trouble for that, is she?" she asked with some fear in her voice.

"No," Rossi replied gently, wanting to stop her fear in its tracks. "It might make it harder to convict her though."

"Regardless," interrupted Hotch, "we have less than seventy-two hours to get a confession or find some evidence. We don't know what we are going to get from the hospital."

"Where are Spence and Penelope?" JJ asked, realizing her friends were not in sight.

"They're in Garcia's lair. Spence is trying to help her find something," Morgan explained.

"Do you need me to talk to Erin?" JJ question, leaning closer to Emily. There was nothing she wanted to do less.

"No, JJ," Morgan assured her. "You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable doing."

"It might be helpful though," Hotch added.

"I…I don't know." She looked at her wife questioningly.

"It's up to you, sweetheart. I'm here with you either way," Emily promised with a soft kiss to JJ's cheek.

"Hotch?"

"JJ, I won't force you to do this, but if you can convince Erin that she's lost, that regardless of what she does at this point, she will be punished for it, that she might get a plea deal if she confesses—there is a chance she will say something to you that incriminates her."

"She's always been very condescending with me," JJ explained, gaining confidence. "She probably won't be able to turn the verbal abuse off. Looking back on it, it might be a compulsion."

"Okay, JJ, how about you go in there and try to talk to her? You can leave whenever you need to."

JJ nodded. "Sounds good. She's just in there, right?" JJ gestured to the door to one of the interrogation rooms.

She got a nod from the other agents standing with her, and then began to walk towards the door. She saw Emily try to follow her out of the corner of her eye, and then she saw Hotch holding her back and heard him explain to her why she needed to this alone.

"Can I just talk to her first?" JJ heard Emily ask.

JJ stopped walking and turned around. Emily walked up to her at a brisk pace and wrapped her arms around her. "Are you okay, Jen?"

JJ nodded. "I'm fine. I might not be later, but I can compartmentalize for now," she explained.

"I'm going to be right out here watching," Emily vowed, gently pulling away from JJ until the only thing connecting them were their hands. "We're all here. She can't hurt you." JJ almost laughed at the irony. She had given this speech to victims countless times. No. JJ wasn't a victim. She was a survivor. Emily continued, "But if you get scared, just say the word, and I'm in there immediately, okay?

"Okay, Em." JJ nodded again. "I'm good. Just get her to confess."

"And if you can't," Emily reassured, "it's okay. We knew this wouldn't be easy. We'll go get those hospital records."

"Em, if I don't go now, I'm going to change my mind."

"Okay," Emily said, releasing her wife's hands and walking to the observation window. "I'll be right here."

The other agents made their way to the window. "Morgan," Hotch said, "go get Reid. He'll be able to remember everything they say."

Morgan walked towards Garcia's lair. Then, Hotch nodded to JJ. She walked in.

The first thing she heard was a laugh. It sent chills through her. JJ took a deep breath. "Hi, Erin," she greeted curtly, before sitting in the chair across from her.

"I haven't seen you in a long time," Erin said with a sly smile. "How's life?"

 _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._ "My life is great. I am loved by so many amazing people. It's crazy how wrong you were."

Erin plastered on a confused face. "Wrong about what?"

"Erin, don't try to play this game with me. You've lost, why don't you just surrender?"

The redhead wasn't planning on giving in so easily. "Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about. What game?"

"The game where you try to make my life miserable and then pretend to have no idea what I'm talking about."

"Miserable? Why would I do that, Jayje? Our relationship ended due to unfortunate circumstances, sure, but I didn't drop that knife, JJ, you did, and then you made up some crazy story about how I cut you because you wouldn't let me fuck you. C'mon, Jayje, you know we never even had sex. I was waiting for you to turn eighteen. Maybe you just got impatient."

The thing that frustrated JJ the most is Erin genuinely looked like she thought she was telling the truth. To everyone except her, of course. JJ had become very familiar with her ex's micro-expressions so she could prepare for whatever the sadistic woman was planning on doing to her. "You're delusional, Erin."

"I'm sorry if you thought I was ever trying to hurt you, baby. I would never. I loved you." Morgan had un-cuffed her so she could drink some water, and when he stormed out in a rage, he didn't cuff her back to the table. Taking advantage of this, Erin reached forward to brush a strand of hair behind JJ's ear. She had seen Emily do this as a gesture of comfort, so she knew the effect it would have the younger woman if she was the perpetrator.

To JJ's credit, she didn't flinch away. She kept her head still, bore her eyes into Erin's, and allowed Erin to touch her. In less than a second, she observed that Erin's hand was cold, as it always had been, and she also recognized the smile on her face as one as a successful manipulator; she had seen it many times. The reason JJ knew she did this in less than a second is that in less than a second, Emily had barged into the room, jerked JJ's chair out of Erin's reach, and then had knocked the redhead's chair over.

Emily blocked Erin from getting up. She whispered to her with complete control. "Don't you ever lie a hand on my wife again."

Erin would never admit it, but she was afraid of the brunette. She wouldn't have ever imagined that anyone could care so much for someone like JJ. She was fun to play with, obviously, but she was never love-worthy. She was ordinary and pathetic, insecure and trusting—a perfect toy. And the redhead was not going to give her toy up without a fight.

Emily yanked Erin up by her arm, and handcuffed her to the table, leaving her on the floor without a means to get up. "If you move without the express permission of one of these agents, I will shoot you."

Emily then wordlessly reached out to JJ slowly, offering a hand if she wanted it. JJ hesitantly accepted her wife's hand. Emily then led JJ out of the interrogation room. Emily didn't, but JJ looked back and her gaze met Erin's. She smirked wickedly at her.

A chorus of "I'm so sorry, JJ" met her ears instantly.

"It's okay, guys. Is any of that useful?" she sniffed with a small amount of hope.

Hotch shrugged. "I'm not sure. I wasn't expecting her to keep to her story."

JJ nodded. "Can we leave now?"

Hotch nodded. "We'll figure out something. Right now, the hospital records are our best hope at a conviction?"

"We'll head there now, Hotch," Emily said, squeezing her wife's hand.

"I'll keep you guys posted."

"Thanks, Hotch," JJ said quietly, following her wife to the elevator.

When they got in the car, Emily turned to JJ. "I'm so sorry, baby. We should have made sure she was secured to the table. I never should have allowed that to happen. I can't believe she touched you. It's my fault, I'm so sorry." JJ wanted to reply, to tell her wife that it wasn't her fault, but her jaw felt extremely heavy and she found herself unable to respond.

Usually, in a situation like this, the brunette's first move would be to brush a piece of her wife's hair behind her ear. As she lifted an arm, she reminded herself that it wasn't a good idea.

JJ knew why her wife hesitated to touch her, but she really needed the comfort right now. "It's okay. Do it."

"Are you sure, my love?" Emily asked skeptically.

JJ nodded. "I trust you. Please."

As Emily slowly raised her arm again, JJ closed her eyes lightly. She recognized Emily's touch instantly. Her fingers were always warm and soft, and they moved with an intentional gentleness that could not be mistaken. "Thank you," she whispered, slowly opening her eyes.

"Of course," Emily smiled. Emily's smile was also unmistakable. "Are you ready to talk to Dr. Chung?"

JJ nodded, so Emily turned the car on, and before long, they'd arrived at the hospital. They walked into the emergency just in time. Emily saw Dr. Chung about to walk into the break room and raced ahead of JJ to meet her. "Dr. Chung?" she asked.

The doctor turned around. "Hi, Emily." She then saw JJ. "JJ, hello. Are you alright?" The doctor had exchanged emails with JJ and Emily over the course of the last year because she had become invested in JJ's case.

"I'm fine," she assured, "but we came here because we need your help."

"What do you need?" Dr. Chung seemed eager to help them.

"Do you happen to know where the hospital records are and can you access them?"

Dr. Chung was intrigued. "Yes," she replied. "How long ago is the record you're trying to find from?"

"Almost twenty years," JJ replied.

Dr. Chung thought for a moment. "Follow me." She led them into a room filled with boxes of records. "Is this for a case?" she asked.

"Not really," Emily started. "Nineteen years ago, Jennifer was treated here for a laceration to her lower abdomen. It would have been under suspicious circumstances. We're trying to find the name of the doctor who saw her."

Recognition settled into Dr. Chung's features and she grabbed a box from the shelves. Agent Jareau had always seemed familiar to her, and now she was almost sure why. She frantically searched for the file with JJ's name on it, before pulling it out and opening it.

She was right. "I was the attending physician."

 **AN: So, what did you think? Did you guess that it was Dr. Chung? Next chapter will be the conversation about what happened that night from Dr. Chung's point of view. Please leave a review. I'm addicted!**


	6. Chapter 6

Strength and Healing

Chapter 6

 **AN: Here is chapter 6. So just fair warning—I might not update until next weekend. I have so much going on (homework and job stuff), so read this slowly so it lasts. ;) I also just got a job, so I can't promise updates twice a week anymore. I'll update as often as I can, and I won't abandon the story—but if it takes me a long time, leave me a review and beg me (just kidding-kinda). I think I'm about to make you guys feel bad for Erin—which isn't uncommon with unsubs on Criminal Minds.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Wait. What?"

Dr. Chung gestured for JJ and Emily to follow her. "Come sit."

"Wait." JJ still needed clarification. "You took care of me that night?"

Dr. Chung nodded as JJ and Emily sat down across from her at a table in the records room. "When you came in here last year, I thought you looked familiar, but for some reason, I couldn't place you. God, JJ, I am so sorry. I-"

"What are you apologizing for?"

"For letting you walk out of here that night. I shouldn't have let you go. It's haunted me for nineteen years."

"You knew I didn't just drop that knife?"

"I was pretty sure," Dr. Chung admitted sadly. "But there was no proof. JJ, I need you to understand—if I thought there was anything I could have done, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I mean, you were only a child, and you looked so scared." The doctor took a deep breath. She was being unprofessional. "Why exactly are you both here today?"

Emily replied for the couple. She explained what was going on with Erin and the trial. Dr. Chung was more than happy to talk about what she experienced that night.

She opened the file and spoke to JJ. "It was a Friday night. I used to do the late night ER shift on Fridays. The woman—you said her name was Erin?—lead you into the ER. You were crying. That's when I saw the blood. I'm confused—she told the nurse she was your sister."

"She was probably just trying to cover her ass," Emily assumed. "What happened next?"

"Well, JJ, I led you into a room and examined the cut. It was pretty obvious it needed stitches, so I went ahead and sutured the wound after cleaning it."

"You took Erin outside to talk to her next," JJ continued.

Dr. Chung nodded.

"What did she tell you?" Emily questioned.

"She said you were cutting vegetables for a salad and the knife slipped. 'Clumsy kids', I believe is the phrase she used. I nodded and let her continue, but it seemed to be an unlikely story. The depth of the laceration made it obvious that the knife was pressed in, it wasn't a nick caused by a clumsy slip. It was intentional. I know that sometimes kids cut themselves, so I thought that might be a possibility, but then I saw the way Erin acted around you, and more telling—the way you acted around her. She kept touching your hair and it made you extremely uncomfortable. I can't even describe it. I just knew. And I'm so sorry I couldn't help you, JJ."

"You still saved me. More than once, apparently," JJ observed.

Dr. Chung smiled kindly and in a rare show of unprofessionalism, reached across the table to lay her hand on JJ's. "I don't know what happened in the eighteen years between that night and last year, but I do know that I'm sure you saved yourself."

JJ didn't know how to respond to that, so she just said, "You actually _can_ help us. Like we said earlier, we're going to trial, and we can use all the evidence we can get. Would you be willing to testify in court?"

Dr. Chung nodded. "I would be happy to. I think about that night every day, and like you both, I would like to get some closure. What are the chances of a conviction here?" Dr. Chung was a very intelligent woman, but her expertise lied more with aneurysms and vasculitis.

Emily sighed. "At best, thirty or forty percent? These types of cases usually result in a mistrial." The brunette wanted to be optimistic about the situation, but she was more of a realist, especially when it came to things like this.

"Well, I'm happy to do whatever I can to help you and this case. But," she looked at her watch, "I probably need to get back out there." Dr. Chung stood up and gave Emily a hug, which she returned.

She then stood in front of JJ. "I used to imagine what happened to that little girl. You always found a way out of the situation. You were always happy. But I never imagined you would become an FBI Agent and I never imagined you would find an Emily Prentiss."

JJ laughed. "Me neither," JJ agreed, hugging the kind doctor of her own volition.

As if on cue, Emily's phone rang. "Excuse me," she said, stepping out of the room.

"This is Prentiss."

"Gumdrop?"

"Hi, Penelope," Emily greeted, not being able to control the smile that appeared on her face. "Do you have something?"

"Do I ever," the tech genius responded. "So I did some research on she-who-shall-not-be-named, and I found something juicy."

"What?" Emily leaned against the wall, sighing deeply.

"An encrypted file."

Emily could almost hear the smirk in Garcia's voice. In the most serious of situations, Penelope always knew how to keep the stress at a bearable level. "Which contains?"

"An arrest record." The statement was matter-of-fact and _oh, so Penelope._

"You're killing me here with these three word statements, Pen," Emily begged. "Can we use it for the trial?"

"I think so! When Erin was about thirty, she was arrested for domestic abuse. She adopted a sixteen year old and said teen was often in the emergency room. She was never convicted, but it's something, right?"

Emily pinched the bridge of her nose. "Yeah, Pen, yeah, it's something."

The brunette could hear the tech analyst's frown. "Then, why do you sound so sad?"

"Pen, this means Erin is a serial abuser. Do you think she adopted that girl because she wanted to be her mother?"

There was a pause over the phone before a distinct "ew!" was heard from the eccentric woman.

"I have to tell Jennifer," Emily sighed. "That's not going to be fun."

"Well, do you have to? I mean, we can forget I found anything and—"

"I'm not going to lie to my wife, Penelope," Emily replied obviously. "I've tried that before—it doesn't work out well."

"Okay, then, kitten, do what you think is best. I am here for you both. And I will search for more dirt on this pile of dog poo! Garcia out!"

Emily sighed.

A few minutes later, Emily received a message from Garcia. She opened it and gasped when she read the contents. Emily groaned.… She was going to have to have to tell her wife this too.

Meanwhile, inside the records room, JJ was trying to convince Dr. Chung that she had nothing to be sorry for, and was getting a taste of what it often felt like to be Emily. "Please don't blame yourself. I left Erin the week after she caused my first trip ever to the ER. I dated two women after that that weren't the most considerate or respectful, but they were nothing like Erin."

"I don't understand why that means I shouldn't blame myself…."

"I left her because of you. No human that wasn't related to me had ever treated me that kindly. You talked to me like I mattered, and for the first time, I realized that maybe I didn't deserve to be threatened with a knife every day. You _did_ help me that night. So, please don't let it haunt you anymore—because the only person at fault for that night was Erin."

"Okay, JJ. If I had anything to do with you leaving, I'm glad. You deserve nothing but the best, which it seems you got," she observed as said "best" re-entered the room.

"Who called?" JJ asked.

"Penelope. She was updating me on what's going on at the BAU."

"Anything significant?"

Emily put her phone back into her pocket. "Yeah. We can talk about it in a bit. Dr. Chung," she addressed, changing the subject. "Thank you so much…for everything. But especially for delivering my wife to me in one piece on two separate occasions. I'd like to think after all this, that we're friends."

Dr. Chung nodded, knowing she could no longer see these two women as simply her patient and her patient's spouse. "In that case, please call me Jane."

Emily nodded. "Will do, Jane. Maybe after the trial is over, we can have you over for dinner."

JJ nodded, agreeing. "When I haven't just been attacked, I'm a pretty happy person," she joked at her own expense, proving her point.

"I'd like that. Alright, then, ladies. Just give me a call and let me know when and where I'm needed, okay?"

"We'll definitely do that," JJ promised as Jane led them out of the records room and into the main lobby of the ER.

They moved to leave but Jane stopped them. "Oh, and JJ?"

JJ turned. "Yeah?"

"You look good, like you've been taking care of yourself."

JJ nodded. "I have been."

"Good," Jane said before waving goodbye.

The two female agents left the hospital and got into Emily's car. Before Emily could open her mouth, JJ spoke. "So, what did Pen find?"

"There was another girl," Emily summarized simply.

"What? It wasn't just me?"

Emily nodded. "Erin is not only a sadist, she's a serial sex offender."

JJ shook her head. "No. I've never heard of a female sex offender. It's not true."

The brunette could tell her wife was spinning, so she reached out to cradle her face with her hands. "Jennifer, you know what the profile says."

"There were probably several girls," JJ replied almost robotically, on the verge of tears, as she pulled her face away from her wife's gentle touch. "So I wasn't even special…as a victim? I was just another toy?"

"Jennifer, please don't say that."

"But it's true!"

"Jennifer, what Erin thought or thinks of you means _nothing_. C'mon, baby, what happened to the woman who just told Dr. Chung that the only person to blame for that night was Erin?"

JJ ignored her wife. "Women aren't born sadists."

"Jennifer…"

"She was abused too." It wasn't a question.

Emily nodded. "Penelope texted me after she called me."

JJ's eyes were telling of the fact that she was not present, but lost in a world of vicious anxiety and fear. "She's not evil. She's…traumatized."

"Jennifer, you can't feel bad for her. She abused you for months."

"I could have turned into that. I could have hurt you, Emily, I could have!"

Emily, desperate to keep her voice soft, tried to reason with her wife. "Jennifer, sweetheart, Erin must have had a predisposition to violence. It doesn't work that way and you know it. Derek is an FBI Agent. You're an FBI Agent. You chose how to respond to your trauma and so did Erin."

"She's no different than I am. She's a human being. She's just in pain."

Emily ceased her attempt to convince JJ otherwise. There was no reasoning with the blonde when she got like this. JJ continued to ramble for a while. And then, abruptly, she stopped. "Emily?"

The brunette took a deep breath. "Yes, Jennifer?"

"I don't think I can go through with this trial."

 **AN: Uh, oh! Road bump! Major road bump. So, what did you think? What do you want to see happen?**


	7. Chapter 7

Strength and Healing

Chapter 7

 **AN: Here is chapter 7. I'm about to have winter break (after exams) so updates might be a little more frequent for the next few weeks. Thank you all for the follows, favorites, and as always, thank you all for the wonderful reviews! They really are my motivators and I appreciate them all so so much. I definitely take the things you say into account, so if you ever have any thoughts or suggestions, please feel free to share them. There are horizontal lines in this chapter, but they don't represent flashbacks. Only italics represent flashbacks. I want to warn that this is a heavy chapter and there really is no reprieve until the end, but this was a really important part of the story to tell.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

The two agents had driven the rest of the way home in complete silence.

JJ hadn't spoken in two days. Emily hadn't asked her to speak in one.

What Emily had done, however, is go to work without her wife both days. She had to be part of the team that got Erin to admit to something and as much as she wanted to be there for JJ, she couldn't afford to waste the time, and it wasn't like she was being very helpful lately. They had less then twelve hours to crack Erin, and because JJ hadn't officially decided to cancel the trial, Emily wanted to be prepared.

Hotch, Rossi, and Reid were taking their turn with Erin and Emily, Penelope, and Derek were eating lunch when the local news started its broadcast. None of the agents knew how the press had gotten word of the trial, but they did, and it was the top story.

"Shit," Emily grumbled.

"I know that's not a good thing, but is there a reason why it's really bad?" Penelope inquired.

Emily sighed and pulled out her phone. "Jen's mom doesn't know about the trial yet. We decided to wait to tell her until we had some concrete evidence."

"Well, maybe, she won't see it….?" Penelope hoped.

Emily shook her head. "Annie watches the news all day every day when she's not spending time with us." The brunette pressed speed dial 1. "I don't even know if Jen will pick up."

The phone rang five times without an answer on the other end. Emily was pretty sure her wife was in the shower or in the bed, where she took up residence when she was particularly upset. The phone abruptly stopped in the middle of a shrill ring and there was silence. A few seconds followed before Emily heard, "Hello?"

To say hearing her wife's voice was a relief would be an understatement. "Hey, sweetie," Emily greeted with a genuine smile in her voice. "How are you doing?"

The brunette heard a sniffle. "I'm okay. How are you guys?"

"We're doing okay over here. Listen, I called because I wanted to tell you that the story about the trial was on the news. I don't know if your mom saw it." There was silence on the other end of the line. "Jennifer? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I actually called her this morning and told her."

"Oh?" Emily couldn't hide the hurt in her voice. Why would JJ confide in Annie and not her?

"I called the press too."

Emily was shocked at this. "What? Why?"

"I thought the heat might put the pressure on Erin to confess," JJ tried to explain.

"No, no, Jennifer. Erin is not watching the news! God, baby, that was so stupid. Now, what's gonna happen when we have no evidence? People are going to think that you lied about the whole thing." The level of frustration brewing inside Emily Prentiss was rising. "Why would you do something like that? Why? How could you be so _stupid_?!"

"I…" JJ couldn't see why what she did was wrong. "I was just trying to-"

"You're trying to sabotage the trial." The tone in Emily's voice was accusatory.

"No, I'm not. I just feel so useless."

"Stop lying to me, dammit!" Emily couldn't recall a time when she was ever angrier at JJ than she was right now.

This was a side of Emily JJ had never experienced. "I swear I'm not lying, Emily, please-"

"I have to go, Jen. I'll be home in a little while. Bye." The tone in Emily's voice was terrifyingly calm. JJ tried to say something, to apologize again, but the line went dead.

The brunette slammed the phone on the table in front of her before shoving the entire bag of food she had brought for herself off the table with the type of force she used to kick down unsubs' doors.

"Whoa, what happened?" Derek and Penelope had witnessed Emily's half of the conversation and were becoming seriously concerned. Neither of them had ever heard Emily speak to JJ that way. Even when she was frustrated, she maintained her composure so as not to scare the blonde who was so easily frightened by anger.

Emily looked up. "What? Nothing, everything's fine," she replied curtly. "We don't have much time," she said, changing the subject. "We need a plan B."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "You mean, a plan double Z?"

"God, this is hopeless." Emily slammed her fist down on the table hard enough that it shook. "We might as well just give up."

Derek rose from his seat and walked over to Emily. "You need to go home."

"What?"

"You're too close to this anyway. We have the evidence from Dr. Chung and if we can find another witness to something, we don't even need Erin to testify."

"I'll start looking and I will find something, Emily," Penelope added. "But I've never seen you like this. You never give up. I agree with Derek. Go home to your wife."

"I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't? You get in your car and you drive it home…."

Emily sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "I can't deal with her right now. She's being entirely irrational. And besides, she has her mom. She doesn't need me. I just make it worse."

Derek grabbed Emily by her shoulders. "Of course she's being irrational! She's scared. C'mon, Prentiss, take it from me. She _needs you._ Stop. Feeling. Sorry. For yourself. And go. Be. With JJ."

Emily wasn't convinced but she nodded anyway, and her friends seemed to believe her. She grabbed her bag and headed to the elevator.

* * *

Meanwhile, at home, JJ was trying her best not to let what Emily had said get to her. Only one other person had ever called her stupid, and it wasn't a person she wanted to compare to her wife. Emily wasn't like Erin, JJ tried to convince herself, she just wasn't. She was completely safe with her.

The ring of the doorbell caused JJ to all but jump out of her skin. She walked to the door and looked out the peep hole. She recognized the face, but didn't believe it could actually be who she thought it was. Should she open the door with Emily not home? She clearly wasn't thinking straight, so it probably wasn't a good idea. But again, she wasn't thinking straight, so she did it anyway.

"Hi, JJ."

"Um…." JJ closed the door slightly so it was only her head sticking out in order to protect herself. "Where did you get my address?"

The blonde woman on the other side of the door sighed and tried out a friendly smile. "I knew you always wanted to live in Dupont Circle. I asked around, finally found someone who knew you…and your wife, apparently."

JJ swallowed hard. "Why are you here?"

"I saw the news broadcast this morning. I want to help."

JJ sighed, surprising herself by not being afraid of this woman anymore. The profiler felt no threat coming from her, and to be honest, of the three, she was the only one JJ thought might ever change. But she had to maintain a position of strength over her. "What makes you think you can help me, Brittany? Don't you think you've done enough?"

* * *

Emily turned the corner into the subdivision slowly. She wanted to stretch out the time she had away from JJ as much as she could. How was she going to get through this? How were _they_ going to get through this? As she pulled up, she noticed the door half open and a blonde woman standing on the porch talking to JJ. The brunette groaned. She was not in the mood to deal with roofers or politicians.

As she got closer to the door (JJ didn't notice), she became more aware of the conversation. It took less than five seconds for Emily to realize that JJ knew who this woman was, and about another five seconds for her to know exactly who she was.

Emily strode to the door and placed herself in between her wife and Brittany. She might have been angry, but JJ's safety was always her first priority. Any more run-ins with her assaulters and JJ might never return to her. The brunette reached behind her to grab JJ's hand; she didn't know if she was hurt or afraid. Emily couldn't help but gasp out loud when she felt JJ flinch away from her. This was a problem she had the handle after she got Brittany away from her wife. She turned back to the source of the other problem. "Do you want to go to prison too? Because I can make that happen."

JJ stepped out of the house entirely to challenge Emily. "Em, please, I want to hear her out." The former media liaison didn't think she'd be afraid of Emily when she saw her, but it was her posture that had changed that. Sure, the anger for now was directed at Brittany, but the moment she was gone, JJ couldn't shake the fear that Emily would take out her frustration on her.

Emily turned around to face JJ. "Of course you do. You give _everyone_ second, third, fourth chances, even when they clearly don't deserve it." JJ flinched at every word as Emily angrily pointed at Brittany. "Jennifer, this woman _raped_ you…repeatedly. You want to _hear her out_? You should want to _knock her out_."

JJ was fighting tears. "She said she could help. I just thought since I've ruined everything—"

"You thought you'd ruin it some more?" Emily didn't trust the judgement of any of the woman standing there right now, including herself. "You know what? Just please go upstairs. I can't…I just can't deal with you anymore."

JJ kept her gaze locked with her wife long enough to see her lower lip tremble before she darted in the house and up the stairs, collapsing into sobs on her bed.

Emily turned back around. "You said you could _help_? Have you seen what you've done to my wife? You think that's _helping_?"

"Her reaction to _you_ touching her was not my fault, Emily. You are turning into exactly what she fears most and that has nothing to do with me."

Emily grimaced at the words. She couldn't let Brittany know they had affected her, so she quickly collected herself. "Don't you dare tell me anything about my relationship with my wife. You're the one who abused her for months. I have never been anything but loving and patient with her."

"Based on what I just saw, I couldn't testify to that."

Emily didn't respond.

"But what I could testify to," Brittany continued when Emily remained silent, "is what Erin Driver did to her."

Emily didn't acknowledge the statement aloud, but listened intently to Brittany's words.

"Look, I know what I did to JJ was wrong. I was twenty and I was stupid. At the time, I thought it was okay. She was asleep or drunk every time; I didn't think I was hurting her. She never told me I was."

Emily raised an eyebrow. "And the fact that she wouldn't let you touch her while she was awake never gave it away?"

"That's where my stupidity came in." Emily didn't want to believe it, but it really seemed like Brittany was telling the truth. "What it did give away was that whatever Erin did to her really affected her. I know it won't make up for what I did to her, but I want to do something."

"Are you sure it's not because the statute of limitations is up on _your_ crime?"

"I honestly didn't know it was. Please, Emily, just let me give you your phone number just in case."

Emily sighed dramatically before she rummaged in her purse, producing a pen and a piece of paper and handing it to Brittany. The blonde scribbled her number down and handed the paper and pen back to Emily. "Thank you."

"I don't give second chances, Brittany. I will talk to Jen about it when she is in a better state of mind and if she is okay with you testifying, I'll consider it. But I don't in any way forgive you for what you did. You are one of the four people I hate most in the world, and right now only one of them is serving a sentence. Don't tempt me to find something to charge you with."

Brittany nodded. "I hope you can help her with whatever is bothering her right now. The people I talked to said you were great together. I can see how much you love her, Emily and I'm glad she found someone who can take care of her."

Emily gave her a respectful nod before walking into the house and setting her stuff down.

"Jen!" She called. "Can we talk?" She began to ascend the stairs. Emily knew they needed to have a conversation about what had happened that day.

The door to their bedroom was locked. "Jennifer? Sweetheart? Can I come in please?" Emily was still angry at JJ for what she had done that day, but her first priority right now was to make sure she hadn't scared JJ beyond repair.

"Are you mad?" questioned a weak, sad voice from inside the room. It broke Emily's heart, and all lasting traces of anger vanished.

"Oh, my love, I'm just worried. Can we talk?"

Emily heard her wife move and in a few seconds, the door was opened. The sight of JJ's red, puffy eyes broke Emily's already broken heart. Emily walked in a closed the door behind her. They were the only ones who lived in the house, but it often made JJ feel more secure to have the bedroom door closed.

"Can I hug you?" Emily asked tentatively.

"You're not mad at me?" JJ clarified.

"I'm a little frustrated," Emily admitted, "but I promise you're safe with me. I am so sorry for making you afraid of me. I know I swore I would never do that; I don't know what happened." Brittany's words lingered inside Emily's mind. _You are turning into exactly what she fears most…_

It was JJ who through her arms around Emily. She didn't hear the conversation between her wife and her ex, but somehow she knew exactly what Emily needed to hear.

"I'm not afraid of you."

Emily pulled back slightly. "You sure?"

JJ nodded. "I'm kind of just afraid in general."

Emily tightened her hold on JJ, pressing the softest of kisses to her head. "Me too, baby. Me too."

 **AN: I'd like to apologize for this chapter. I hated writing Emily like this, but I thought it was important to portray her as a real person. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	8. Chapter 8

Strength and Healing

Chapter 8

 **AN: Here is chapter 8. Sorry about the long delay; I'm just now getting over an awful cold. I will try to have the next chapter up before Christmas, but if not, it will be up soon after. Again, thank you all for your support. The next few chapters are going to pretty crazy, but stick with me. Happier times await the Prentisses.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

When Emily pulled away, she noticed the tears steadily falling down her wife's cheeks. She wiped them away gingerly, sighing in relief when JJ didn't flinch at her touch. "I really am so, so sorry."

"I know," JJ acknowledged, with a sniffle and a nod.

"I also know that my apology doesn't make it okay," Emily continued. "I want to earn your trust again."

JJ nodded. "You already have," she assured. "I can see it in your eyes. It won't happen again."

"Something like _that_ won't ever happen again," Emily promised. "But I can't promise I won't ever lose my cool or get frustrated."

"I don't need you to promise me that," JJ said, taking her wife's hand and leading them towards their bed so they could have a proper conversation. "You're allowed to be human, Em."

Emily nodded, taking a seat next to her wife on their bed. "Thank you. I think I needed to hear that." The brunette took a chance again, reaching out to tuck a piece of JJ's long hair behind her right ear. "But you're also allowed to be hurt by the things I said to you today. There is no excuse for what I said."

"You know what I think?" JJ asked, catching Emily's hand at her cheek and lying her hand over it.

"What?"

JJ intertwined their fingers and brought their hands down to rest in her lap. "I think we're both trying too hard. Everything you do is an attempt to walk on eggshells around my PTSD and everything I do is an attempt to hide the fact that I'm hurting from you. We're both trying so hard to protect each other that we're blind to the fact that our efforts have been counterproductive."

Emily nodded in agreement. "We definitely need to establish an open line of communication between us. No secrets. In the long run, it'll work better for both of us." The brunette sighed. "Do you want to talk about what was going through your head yesterday when you called the press?"

"I honestly wasn't trying to sabotage the trial. I was desperate, and I thought my media liaison skills hadn't been damaged, but apparently, they were. I'm sorry. Did Erin find out?"

"She didn't," Emily assured.

"I understand why you were angry because of that and I understand why you were angry because of Brittany. I make excuses for everyone, which is, of course, the reason I didn't leave Erin until she sent me to the hospital."

"I have to say though," Emily began, looking to the positive side of things, "that quality is one of the things I love most about you. I mean, I don't like the fact that you have the tendency to let people take advantage of you and get away with it. I just really admire the fact that you want to see the best in everyone, and the potential for change in everyone. It's why you always appeal to the emotions of unsubs during rescues and you were so quick to forgive me today. It works for you sometimes and sometimes it doesn't, but you never stop trying. I think there's something really admiral about that." Emily began to finger a strand of JJ's hair as she continued speaking. "After all the awful things I've said to you today, it's important to me that you know I see the good parts in the way you give people multiple chances too. Your problem is you don't ever give up on people, and I don't want to be the person who tells you to abandon all hope, I really don't, but sometimes, it's better to give your attention to more worthy causes. I think Brittany is a worthy cause."

JJ's head snapped up. "Really? You think Brittany testifying is a good idea?"

Emily released the tendril that was wrapped around her finger so the force of JJ's head movement didn't rip the root out of her head. "If you're comfortable with it, I think it's the best option we have as far as witnesses, apart from Dr. Chung."

"I think I am. Comfortable with it, I mean. I really think she's being genuine with her offer. You talked to her longer than I did. What do you think?"

"Well," Emily thought, "she doesn't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't think she's a danger to you anymore. If I thought that, she would be six feet under already."

"Do you think what we have so far is enough to charge Erin with something?" JJ looked at the bedside clock. "We have less than two hours."

Emily nodded. "Let me call Hotch and see what's going on in Quantico. Can you hand me my phone please?"

JJ reached for Emily's phone and passed it off to her. "Thanks, sweetheart," the brunette said before dialing Hotch's number and putting the phone on speaker so JJ could hear.

"This is Hotchner."

"Hey, Hotch, it's Emily."

"Hi, Emily." Emily heard a pause. "Look, we only have ninety minutes to charge Erin with abuse and I don't know if we have enough evidence here."

"What about another girlfriend?"

"Another girlfriend? What do you mean? I thought all of JJ's partners before you were abusive."

"Well, yes, that's true," Emily clarified. "But JJ's second girlfriend, Brittany Foster, showed up at our house this afternoon, claiming she's a credible witness."

"She saw the news broadcast," Hotch concluded. "Do you think she'd be valuable on the stand?"

"I do, actually," Emily replied to her boss. "And it might be enough to charge Erin."

"I trust your judgement, Prentiss. We'll keep her here tonight and send her to a more permanent facility tomorrow after I call the DA."

"Alright, Hotch. Sounds good. We'll see you tomorrow I guess."

"Goodnight, Prentiss."

"Night, Hotch."

Emily placed her phone on the bedside table closest to her before turning back to her wife, who had heard the conversation between Emily and Hotch. It was apparent that JJ was not present. This happened once in a while; JJ wouldn't quite flash back, but she'd feel out of place in her own body. "What's going on in that beautiful mind of yours?" Emily asked, settling back in the bed next to her.

"It's been a really long few days," JJ commented, sounding somewhat absent. "I knew the anniversary would be hard, but I never imagined this. I feel numb, like I'm shutting down. I don't want to shut down, Emily."

The brunette didn't know what to say. It wasn't often that Emily Prentiss was rendered speechless. "I don't know what to do for you, sweetheart. I wish I did," she stammered after a moment. "Tell me what I can do to help you."

JJ didn't miss a beat before she replied. "Help me feel. Please."

Emily raised an eyebrow. Was JJ reverting back to the time when asking for sex was done only in vague phrases and euphemisms or was she really just that desperate?

The blonde took Emily's silent question as a refusal, so she turned to the one thing Emily promised she would never make her do. "Please, Emily."

Emily didn't let her wife continue. "I'm not saying no. It's just…you had a panic attack last time we tried…and I don't even know if you're in a state to consent. I don't want to take that kind of a risk."

JJ got up and darted into the bathroom. She washed her face with cold water and even lightly slapped herself a few times. She wanted to leave no doubt in Emily's mind that she was clear-headed and completely present.

She padded back into the bedroom, determined. "Emily."

As soon as the women's eyes connected, the brunette melted. "Okay. Come here. This requires a conversation."

Emily hated the ceremony that had to precede every sexual act the two did together, but what she hated more was the good chance of JJ having a traumatic experience if they didn't go through the song, the dance, and the ceremony. Both women hoped that one day, this wouldn't be necessary, but for now, it was something they both needed to accept and embrace.

JJ took the few steps required to get to their bed and then sat down next to Emily. "So," the brunette began, intertwining her fingers with her wife's to be sure they maintained a physical connection, "I know you think you need this to bring yourself back to the present—not that there needs to be some big reason for us to have sex usually—but are you sure you're present enough? I mean, I don't want to shoot you back to a year ago. That would be the worst possible scenario and I want to be sure it won't happen."

JJ nodded, understanding her wife's concerns. "I'm here. And I really need this."

"Okay. I'll help you feel, as long as what you're feeling is good. I know you're one of those people who'd rather hurt than be numb—I'm like that too. But we can't use sex for that. It's got to be a force of good for us. Which means—"

"Which means I need to be honest with you if I need to stop," JJ finished for Emily. JJ was used to this speech. She'd gotten in dozens of times when her and Emily had just started their physical relationship and had received it at least that much over the last few months since their fifth wedding anniversary. And though she was tired of the fact that she had to hear it every time, she appreciated the fact that Emily always took the time to remind her of what she was entitled to in their relationship.

Both women stood up and silently removed their clothing. They had come to the conclusion long ago that it was much easier (and faster) if they got naked before the kissing and fondling started and it actually allowed them to take their time with each other more.

Emily stepped to JJ, wrapping her arms around her and resting her forehead against her wife's. "I love you."

Those three words were something that JJ could never get tired of hearing. The blonde pressed a soft kiss to her wife's lips. "I love you more."

Emily laughed lightly against her wife's lips. "Not possible."

"I'm gonna let you win," JJ conceded, "because I need your mouth to do something else right now."

Both women laughed before they slowly connected themselves in every place they could. JJ finally pulled back for air, and while they allowed themselves to breathe, Emily and JJ backed themselves up towards the bed. Emily, as usual, made sure she landed on top. She intertwined their fingers and squeezed gently. "You feeling anything yet?"

Breathless, JJ simply nodded with a small smile. Emily gave some more attention to her wife's soft lips before trailing her mouth down her wife's body slowly, making sure every spot received an appropriate amount of love. JJ was quiet, as she usually was, but her softly closed eyelids and blushed cheeks gave away everything Emily needed to know in order to continue.

Emily stopped her trail down at the large horizontal scar about two-thirds of the way down her wife's torso, as she did every time. Per JJ's request, Emily never moved lower than that particular scar, and thus, had never completed her mission to kiss each one of her wife's scars.

It was the sound of JJ's voice that caused Emily to pause her kissing. "Emily?"

Emily looked up slowly, giving her wife a reassuring smile when she seemed hesitant to continue. "It's okay, my love. Ask for what you need."

"Um," JJ stammered, "do you think that, um…?" The rosiness of her cheeks had darkened greatly to something of a bright maroon. "Well, do you maybe want to…kiss the rest of my scars tonight?"

Emily's lips spread into a light smile instantly. As much as JJ's hesitance to ask for what she needed concerned her, the brunette also recognized the beauty in her wife's innocence and graceful purity. "Of course, sweetheart. If that's what you need, that's what you'll get."

"I just…" JJ paused. "I don't want you to feel like you have to…if you don't want to."

Emily reached up to take hold of her wife's hand and JJ eagerly gave it over to the brunette. "I would never do anything that I don't want to do. And I really, really, want to do this."

Sufficiently appeased, the blonde woman relaxed back into the security of her bed, preparing to feel—in a physical form—her wife's deep love.

Later that evening, once they had come to the conclusion that both women could in fact feel, JJ and Emily felt completely relaxed for the first time in almost a week. They fell asleep before midnight, something both women would have seen as a miracle.

Emily woke up the next morning to the sound of her phone ringing. She turned to her wife, who was starting to stir, and then, sitting, picked up the phone. "This is Prentiss."

JJ, waking up, heard nothing but frantic talking on the other end and her wife's angry breathing in response to whatever the person on the phone—was it Morgan?—was telling her.

"Wait. What? Please say that again." The look on Emily's face could only be described as a look of someone who was completely blindsided.

"Okay," Emily eventually breathed out deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose, which JJ knew she only did when she was frustrated. "Let me talk to Jen about all this and we'll see if she even wants to see it."

Another pause. More talking. "Thank you for calling, Morgan. I'm glad I'm hearing this from you, not that there's a good person to hear this news from."

More talking. "Yeah, we'll check in with you later, Derek. Bye."

The brunette, not knowing that JJ had heard her entire portion of the conversation, turned to her with a sigh, but jumped a little when the blonde's gaze met hers.

"Talk to me about what?"

Emily opened her mouth to respond, but no sound came out. For the second time in less than twenty-four hours, the articulate profiler was speechless.

 **AN: Another cliff hanger for you all! Let me know what you think of it all….**


	9. Chapter 9

Strength and Healing

Chapter 9

 **AN: Here is chapter 9, the bottom of the cliff I hung you all off last week. I have a feeling some of you will be unhappy with this, but please stick with me. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. The chapter picks up in the BAU right after Emily left to go home to JJ.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

After Emily left at Garcia and Morgan's insistence, the members of the Behavioral Analysis Unit continued to frantically attempt to find evidence so they could charge Erin. Garcia continued to look into the young girl that Erin had adopted, Reid and Rossi tried in vain to get in touch with her stepfather (who was also her abuser and had recently been put in prison for other sex crimes), and Hotch and Morgan were interrogating her all day.

Garcia ran into Morgan during one of her rushes to fill the team in.

"Whoa, there, baby girl, where are you going so fast?"

"I'm trying to find Hotch."

"Did you find something?" Morgan asked hopefully.

Garcia sighed dramatically. "I don't know. I feel like I lost my mojo or something. I'm finding things about this girl, but nothing that proves that she-who-shall-not-be-named abused her. Definitely nothing about sexual assault. Oh, hotstuff, I don't know what I'm doing anymore." She sighed again, this time dejectedly.

Morgan grabbed Garcia's hand and led her to her lair, sitting her down in her chair. "Alright, let's talk about what you found out."

"I'm not a profiler, Derek. I can't do this." All five BAU members who were working on this case were second-guessing themselves, but only Penelope allowed herself to voice her doubts.

Morgan seated himself on the desk, facing his on-again, off-again girlfriend. "C'mon, baby girl, we have to think positive about this. If we do this together, we can figure something out. Now, tell me what you know." Morgan spoke to the woman who he was sure was the love of his life gently, but with a hint of force so Penelope would get herself together in order for them to be able to talk. "Let's start with her name."

Penelope began to type, bringing up the information she was perusing earlier. "Her name is Amanda Gordon. She was emancipated at sixteen, but she lived with Erin from the ages of twelve to sixteen. She would be in her late twenties now, but it's like she disappeared. She's completely dropped off the map.

Morgan began taking down notes. He would leave no part of this girl's life unexamined. "And she was in the foster system her whole life?"

"Since she was six. Her father was never in her life and her mother and stepfather died in a murder suicide. She was passed around from home to home after that."

"Alright, that's a good start," Morgan assured. He gestured for Penelope to bring up the rest of the information she had on Amanda, and he read it thoroughly before continuing. "Now, let's look at victimology. What do Amanda and JJ have in common?"

Penelope looked very uncomfortable. "Oh, no. I don't want to do this. I don't want to talk about JJ as a victim, Derek. When I was shot, and you guys were—I just, I can't hurt my Jayje like that."

Derek hopped off the desk and knelt down in front of Penelope. "We're doing this to _help_ JJ, Penelope." Then, without warning, Derek planted a firm kiss on Penelope's lips. "We have to do this."

Penelope nodded, slightly dazed. "Um…" she began as Morgan returned to his spot on the desk, "So, Amanda never knew her father. JJ's father abandoned her too, right?"

Morgan nodded. "I think that's a good place to start, Penelope. It makes sense."

"Cause Erin never knew her father? It was her stepfather who abused her, right?" Penelope asked.

"Yes," Morgan replied. "So, Erin goes after victims who are missing a parental figure…."

"Because she sees her victims as herself," Penelope concluded.

"Yes!" Morgan was excited: there was a break in the case. They had a motive. "See, and you say you're not a profiler!" Morgan wanted to encourage his baby girl because she seemed to be on the right track.

"Is that why she adopted Amanda? I'm a little confused about that."

"Well, when I tried to talk to her about it, she denied everything, except the actual adoption. I mean, she did say Amanda became emancipated at sixteen because she wanted to live with a new boyfriend."

Penelope began to nervously sway her chair from side to side. "So, why do you think she did it?"

"I think it has to do with betrayal."

Rossi, who had overheard the end of the conversation, walked in then.

"Hi, Rossi, we're talking about the girl Erin adopted," Penelope greeted.

"Keep talking," Rossi invited. "I just came in to check on your progress with that."

Penelope picked up where the conversation left off. "So, why do you think Erin adopting Amanda had something to do with betrayal?"

"Well," Morgan began, "There is a sort of sacredness in the bond between mother and child. When Erin's stepfather abused her, and her mother let it go on, it severed that bond. There is no worse betrayal than a mother who will not put her child first, and Erin feels this betrayal deeply. She adopted Amanda to make her feel that betrayal as well. A lot of abusers who've been abused target victims that are like them in some way."

"JJ wasn't abused as a child though," Rossi observed, leaning against the desk next to Morgan. "Where does she fit in?"

"I think a part of it is that she was convenient. A young, vulnerable lesbian, searching for someone to love her. After her sister killed herself, Annie was her only friend." Each member of the BAU knew JJ remarkably well, but Emily had given them a crash course on her wife's life in the past few days. "She was definitely lonely, insecure. She was sixteen, but she had the self-consciousness of a twelve-year-old girl. Not to mention, her father abandoned her, just like Erin's."

"This is all interesting stuff," Garcia pointed out, "not to mention, awful, but at least it makes a little more sense. How is this going to be helpful for evidence? This stuff is all circumstantial. We need concrete stuff to charge her."

"We have the doctor's testimony, the records, the cut. I think we can make this work," Rossi assured the woman. "I'm the most famous profiler in the country. I'm biased, of course, when it comes to JJ, but I think I'll be seen as credible because of my experience. I can testify to what we've just talked about. Behavioral profiling can be very helpful in criminal trials."

Morgan nodded. "I think it'll work too. Which is good because we only have"-Morgan looked at his watch-"like ninety minutes before time's up."

With that, Hotch and Spencer walked into Garcia's lair. Each member of the team briefed each other on what they had found out. Hotch's phone rang at one point. He left to take the call.

Eventually, he returned. "Round table room," he announced, and walked out, allowing the rest of the team to follow him. Once they arrived and all sat, Hotch began. "I just got a call from Emily," he said.

"Are she and JJ okay?" Penelope asked, concerned because of Emily's outburst earlier that afternoon.

"Why wouldn't they be?" Hotch asked, slightly confused. "Emily called to tell me about evidence."

"Oh, I just wanted to be sure," Penelope muttered out, slightly embarrassed that she thought for a moment that her best friends wouldn't have been able to work out their issues in like five minutes flat.

Hotch nodded to Garcia, planning to put her worries on the back burner for now, since they only had a short time to charge Erin with sexual abuse. "Emily said one of JJ's ex-girlfriends, Brittany Foster, showed up to their house earlier this afternoon." Hotch pointed to the picture of Brittany that had been hung up on the white board as Spencer began talking.

"Brittany told Emily and JJ that basically, she was young and stupid during the time they 'dated', and she confessed to abusing JJ, and told them they should let her testify in the trial."

"Can we prosecute her too?" Morgan questioned, optimism evident in his voice.

"No," Spencer replied. "If you remember from what Emily told us the other day," he said, channeling his eidetic memory, "JJ was nineteen during their relationship (and so was Brittany), so Brittany could only be tried for sexual abuse or assault of an adult, and the statute of limitations is up—it's been more than fifteen years."

"She might still be helpful as a witness," Hotch explained.

"How?" Garcia asked.

"It's…complicated. Emily has shared limited information about JJ's relationship with Brittany. I don't think JJ wants us to know details. But what I can tell you is Brittany would have seen evidence of what Erin did to JJ psychologically, and that's where she's valuable."

The rest of the team accepted Hotch's answer. After a moment, Agent Anderson entered the round table room. "I'm sorry to bother you all," he said, "but there's a woman on the phone insisting she speaks to Agent Hotchner. She says she has information pertinent to Agent Jareau's case…?"

Hotch instantly turned around and exited the room, making his way into the bullpen. The other five agents in the room, Anderson included, eyed each other confoundedly before sprinting off in the same direction as their boss.

"Who do you think wants to talk to boss man?" Garcia questioned in a whisper to Morgan as they moved quickly through the bullpen.

Morgan just shrugged.

Rossi, Reid, Morgan, Garcia, and Anderson caught up with Hotch just as he picked up the phone on Anderson's desk.

"This is Hotchner."

"Agent Hotchner, I…um…saw the news broadcast earlier about Erin Driver," a shy, meek voice spoke into the phone.

"An agent tells me you have information about the case?" Hotch inquired.

"Yes," the voice responded, slightly more confident. "My name is Amanda Gordon. I used to be her daughter."

"Amanda," he said, making sure each member of the team knew he was talking to one of Erin's victims as he put the phone on speaker. "Hello. Thank you for calling."

"You know who I am?" the voice questioned softly, reverting back to its former state.

"Yes, I do, Amanda," Hotch replied. "And I know that your adoptive mother hurt you."

"I…um…I want to help," Amanda said after a long pause. "Can I help?"

"Actually, Amanda, I think you are just what we need to make a solid case. And now we can find justice for you too."

"Okay," was her reply. It was obvious that the conversation made her uncomfortable. "What do I do?"

"I'll call you when we need you. Is that alright?" Hotch asked.

"Sure," he heard on the other end.

"Is this the number I should call to reach you, Amanda?"

"Yes," Amanda replied. "Thank you."

"No. Thank you," Hotch said. "I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

After he hung up the phone, he turned to his team (and Anderson, who was intrigued by the whole situation). "Turns out JJ's enormous blunder was an enormous stroke of brilliance." He shook his head with a proud laugh. "We got her."

"Should I call JJ and Emily to let them know?" Spencer asked. He hadn't talked to JJ in days and was very worried about his best friend.

"Let's wait until tomorrow, Pretty Boy," Morgan suggested. "It's almost midnight. They're probably sleeping."

"What we should do, is move Erin out of the interrogation room and into an actual cell," Hotch said. "Then, tomorrow, we'll get her sent somewhere else. That's what I told Emily we'd do."

"Can I do the honors?" Morgan asked, already walking towards the interrogation room.

"I'll join," Rossi said, following the younger profiler.

Once they arrived to the room, Morgan practically slammed it open. "Erin Driver, you're going to be charged with the sexual abuse of Jennifer Jareau and Amanda Gordon. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law…." Morgan continued to read Erin her rights as Rossi un-cuffed her to the table and then handcuffed her wrists together behind her back. As Rossi led her out of the room, Morgan picked up the pen and paper that had been left for her in case she decided to confess. It was blank.

Rossi practically threw her into the cell, before slamming it shut and locking it. Morgan threw the paper and pen in, through a particularly large space in the metal cage-door. "Here's some paper in case you decide to make things easier on yourself and confess.

"Goodnight, Erin," Rossi snarled, walking away with Morgan right behind him.

Once alone, Erin sighed, picking up the paper and pen. She looked down at her feet, noticing the laces on her sneakers had become untied. She began to write.

* * *

Emily didn't know how to tell JJ this. There were no signs, nothing that would have clued them in to what had happened that night.

"Emily, I'm scared. Is everything okay? Is it my mom?" JJ felt betrayed by the world. Every time something good happened, every time they got over a hill, as Emily had said, a mountain would appear in its place. JJ was able to reconnect to her wife last night. What seemed like an egregious fight was only miscommunication and insecurity. And now, something awful had happened. She could see it in Emily's eyes.

"Your mom is fine, Jen," Emily replied, but she didn't sound relieved or even reassuring. If it wasn't Annie, who was it? Was the team okay? "It's Erin."

"What? Did she…did she escape?" JJ could hardly bear the thought of Erin on the loose, probably coming right for her.

"No," Emily replied. "She didn't escape."

"Then, what is it? You're really freaking me out." JJ's intent in telling Emily this was to make her say something comforting. That's usually what Emily did if there was bad news. She'd tell her the good news first. _She's okay, but your mom's been in an accident_ or _It was only a graze, but Morgan was hit in the field._ There was none of that here. "What happened, Emily?"

"Jen…."

"I can handle it, Emily! Please, just tell me."

Emily swallowed hard. "Erin's dead, Jennifer."

 **AN: Okay, okay, I think I need to explain myself. It was important to me that I make these stories realistic, and the truth is not every rape trial ends with the rapist going to prison for a long, long time. In fact, like I said in the story, most trials like this result in a mistrial. I know you guys wanted to see her punished, but just like in real life, it doesn't always work out that way. I hope you all can understand why I did it and aren't too mad at me. I will explain what happened in the next chapter, I promise. I love you guys and really appreciate you all!**

 **-Gabby**


	10. Chapter 10

Strength and Healing

Chapter 10

 **AN: Here is chapter 10, something of a resolution to the Erin situation. I was extremely happy to see that you all seem to be supporting me with this plot choice. Here you will find out exactly what happened and how the whole team is dealing with it. The entire chapter is basically a flashback, and it ends where I left off in Chapter 8. Now that we've caught up, it's time to move forward in the next chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

That night, the members of the BAU slept peacefully for the first time in a while. Knowing Erin was locked up securely in Quantico was a relief that not one of them could begin to describe. Morgan and Hotch had agreed to come in earlier than usual-along with Penelope, who had stayed the night at Morgan's—in order to prepare Erin to be transferred to a nearby women's prison. Local news anchors had followed the three agents to the doors of the FBI building, only to have them slammed in their face. None of the agents were going to answer any questions about Erin's indictment until she was out of their hair.

The three of them walked through security and into the building, heading towards the holding cell area, adjacent to the interrogation rooms. They could hold five suspected perps at a time in those cells, but right now, Erin was the only resident.

It was strange for JJ's friends and colleagues to be so involved in this case, and for the first time in their careers, they were understanding why they had to be objective in their work. The anger and sadness that learning the details of what had happened to their confident and poised media liaison/profiler had also motivated them, however, and now that they were on the road home, the euphoria was palpable.

Morgan's thoughts over the past few days had covered many topics. To be truthful, it had occurred to him that maybe Erin was a reason why some people saw homosexuals as sexual deviants. It was a talking point on the news last night as the local stations covered the Erin Driver case. It was a notion he had quickly sent flying out of his mind. He wasn't even sure that Erin was gay; she was probably just abusing women because she was also female. And even if Erin was a homosexual female sadist, it was thoughts like this that caused the hate and the violence befallen on JJ at Jackson Shaffer's hands. People who believed that Erin Driver or Carl Buford made up the homosexual demographic were simply ignorant, and had never had the honor of knowing people like JJ and Emily; they didn't come better than those girls. It was all ignorance, and ignorance may as well be wickedness, for they similarly impact the world.

Hotch, for his part, had remained relatively stoic throughout the case, as usual. He had allowed himself to express his joy after receiving the call from Amanda, but afterwards, he resumed his quiet strength in order to remain a somewhat objective leader of his team. He couldn't help the satisfied smile that played on his lips this morning though. As he walked through the hallways of the BAU, followed by two of his extraordinarily talented agents, Aaron Hotchner was proud.

Garcia hadn't yet had a face-to-face interaction with Erin and she wasn't looking forward to it. Penelope wasn't exactly intimidating. In fact, she pictured herself making eye contact with the redhead and immediately turning around, making a beeline for her lair, a fearful scream escaping her throat. Sleeping with Morgan the previous night had provided her with confidence. The team was better when they were together. And as long as she had her hot chocolate by her side, they could accomplish anything.

Rossi was home with Strauss. And the abuser of one of the people who he loved most in the world was about to go to prison for what he hoped would be a long, long time. Not much else mattered to one of the BAU's founders.

Spencer, in fact, was the only BAU Agent who did not sleep that night. Despite his contributions and analyses, the young genius couldn't shake the feeling that something about this situation wasn't right: the profile was incorrect, JJ was in danger, Amanda's situation was more complicated than the profile would have them believe….The possible mistakes ran through his head, repeated, reverberated inside his brilliant mind like a drum. No. Like a clock. Tick…tick…tick…boom.

And at home, sleeping peacefully in their bed, were the BAU's female profilers. And like their friends, they were blissfully unaware of what was going on in that cell in Quantico.

As Morgan, Hotch, and Garcia approached the holding cell, there was an eerie quiet settling around them. The first thing they noticed was the empty bed. Garcia gasped, fearful that somehow, the manipulator had escaped. Hotch immediately noticed that not only was the bed empty of a person, it was empty of sheets as well.

Morgan saw Erin first. Less than a second after, Penelope and Hotch followed his line of sight, and the woman screeched, louder than anything either of the men had ever heard from her. Hearing the commotion and the blood-curdling scream, some of the B-Team agents, who were preparing to leave for a case across the country, staggered into the lobby area of the section of the building containing the holding cells. These were the toughest, most stoic people in the country, and they were all crying, or gasping, or vomiting. Except for Morgan and Hotch. The darker man turned to the five additional agents that had joined them, three men (Anderson, Peters, and White) and two women (Benson and Lang). Without emotion, he asked, "When was the last time someone checked on Erin Driver?"

Lang, B-Team's media liaison, spoke up. "An hour ago. She looked like she was sleeping."

"You checked on her, Lang?" Hotch questioned.

The young woman nodded, obviously blindsided by the latest developments. "There was nothing to suspect….If I had any reason to think-"

Morgan interrupted. "This is not your fault, Julia. There was nothing in the profile that would predict this."

Hotch began doing what he did best, divvying up tasks. "Anderson, will you call the local PD and tell them what's happened?" The man who one day wanted to be the Bureau's next Aaron Hotchner nodded to his superior and left to perform the task he was asked to do. Hotch turned to the remaining members of the B-Team who were in the building. "Agent Lang, will you gather your team in the round table room to discuss your case once Kelly and Porter arrive? And Winters, will you collect the log of check-ins for Erin Driver last night and put it in my office? The rest of you can go."

Once only the original three agents remained, Hotch asked Garcia to go into her lair and see if there was video of Erin's death. He told her they'd meet her in there in a few minutes. The tech analyst eagerly left the scene in order to do what she did best.

Hotch reached into his pocket a produced the key to cell number one. He opened the door and turned to Morgan, who had collected gloves from a box in the lobby. "That's a hell of a noose," the unit chief commented, walking into the cell with Morgan on his heels.

"It's made of her shoelaces and the bedsheets," Morgan observed, standing on the bed to get a good angle for pictures. Both men took pictures of Erin's lifeless body before Morgan untied the bedsheets which were attached to a nail on the ceiling where a fan once was. He gingerly lowered the body down onto the bed so they could confirm her cause of death.

Hotch released her from the homemade noose and checked for a pulse, not that he expected to find one. He felt for an obvious break before nodding to Morgan. "Her neck is broken."

"Suicide," Morgan said, as if testing the word on his lips, attempting to put a piece into the puzzle that it belonged to, but so obviously didn't fit. It was an extra piece. It didn't fit anywhere; the puzzle was finished and had already been put up for display. "JJ," the man whispered, "can't catch a break."

That's when he noticed the folded up piece of paper on the bed. "Jennifer" was written in elegant calligraphy. "Suicide note?" He went to open it to confirm his hypothesis, but Hotch stopped him.

"This is for JJ to read, not us, Morgan," Hotch chastised.

"But it's evidence," the profiler argued.

"JJ is a profiler, Derek. If she thinks it's something we need to see, she'll let us know." Hotch pocketed the note.

Just then, some men from the DC police department arrived, including Detective George Elliott, the man who the team hatefully referred to as Detective Asshole. He had been detective of the local PD for a long time. He had been there during JJ's abduction and during her first case back after her abduction, the case in which JJ and Emily almost took home six-year-old twins. Detective Asshole had possessed the nerve to ask JJ if she was going to run away and get herself abducted again. "Hello again, boys," the detective greeted. "We can take it from here."

Not allowing the man to take over the case just yet, Hotch summarized his and Morgan's findings, leaving out the note.

Afterwards, Detective Asshole sighed dramatically with a small smirk. "You know, this Agent JJ of yours seems to be more of a hindrance than a help to you all. She causes lots of drama; she's made a habit of crying rape. Like a woman can rape another woman. Please. It's not even sex."

There had been times in his life where Morgan had to resist hitting a person who made him angry, but he couldn't recall it ever being harder than it was at that moment. "You listen here, pinhead, we all know that we don't like each other. You don't like us because there are women on our team, because JJ and Emily are together, whatever, but what you really don't like is that Agent Jareau was a better agent the day after her abduction than you could ever be. I'm not even going to dignify your ridiculous claims with a response. Agent Hotchner and I are going to talk to our tech analyst. Show yourself out when you're done."

As Hotch followed Morgan out of the holding cell area, he made eye contact with Elliott. "Just shut up and do your job."

The men arrived in Garcia's lair just as she was standing up. "Oh! My furry friends. I was about to come tell you there is no video of Erin killing herself because she smashed the camera about twenty minutes after Agent Lang checked on her." Neither man responded. "We have to call JJ and Emily now, don't we?"

Morgan nodded. "I'll go call Emily's cell," he offered.

Hotch nodded. "I'll let Amanda and Brittany know that we won't be needing them for the trial."

"Oh! And Dr. Chung too, Hotch. And will you also call JJ's mom? She shouldn't hear this from the news," Garcia suggested.

"You're right, Garcia. Speaking of the news, do you think you can rally the press?"

"Should I tell them the truth?" she asked.

Hotch nodded. "Let me brief you on what's going on first and then I'll start making calls. You still okay to call Emily and JJ, Morgan?"

"Yeah, Hotch," he replied. He wanted to be the one to share the news. If Penelope did it, Emily wouldn't be able to tell what her friend was saying through her tears. And if Hotch did it, he would try to leave out all traces of emotion, which would in turn cause Emily to compartmentalize immediately. Morgan hoped that he would be the happy medium his best friends' deserved.

Once the other two left, he took a deep breath and called Emily's cell number. "This is Prentiss."

"Prentiss, it's Morgan. Look, man, I don't even know how to say this, but I'm just gonna. Erin's dead, Emily. She killed herself this morning."

"Wait. What? Please say that again."

The tone in his best friend's voice broke his heart. "Erin committed suicide. She used her shoelaces and bedsheets to make a noose. I'm so sorry, Emily. We were all banking on putting her away, and I can't even imagine how JJ will react. She wrote a suicide note. It's addressed to JJ. I have it if she wants to read it."

"Okay," Morgan heard Emily force out after a few moments of silence. "Let me talk to Jen about all this and we'll see if she even wants to see it."

"Alright, Emily. I'm so sorry about all this. This is not the call I was expecting to make this morning."

"Thank you for calling, Morgan. I'm glad I'm hearing this from you, not that there's a good person to hear this news from."

"We're all sending you guys our love. Let us know if you need anything."

"Yeah, we'll check in with you later, Derek. Bye."

The line went dead after a moment and Derek sighed. He had woken up this morning excited for what the day would bring. Now, he just wanted to cry. He shook his head. He needed to be strong for his girls. He decided to do something useful and call Reid and Rossi. They needed to know too. But he couldn't help feeling guilty that like with him, this news would ruin the cathartic relief that had been allowing them to rest for the first time in days. Both men took the news remarkably well. Spencer made Derek promise to call him in a few hours and Rossi said he was on his way to Quantico.

Morgan couldn't tell if he was happy. It was good to know that Erin would never hurt anyone ever again, but the justice seemed to be too swift, too merciful. Just like Carl Buford, JJ's molester would be prematurely sent to hell. Not that he believed in hell. But just for a moment, he allowed himself to wish. To hope that there was more punishment for the kinds of people who would get sexual gratification from causing an unbelievable amount of pain to a teenager who simply wanted to be loved.

 **AN: Okay, we will start moving forward in the next chapter. It should be up by the weekend. Please drop me a review and let me know what you think and what you want to happen. Thanks guys!**

 **-Gabby**


	11. Chapter 11

Strength and Healing

Chapter 11

 **AN: Here is chapter 11, moving along in the story. Thank you all again for your continued support! I got a couple of reviews asking for some JJ/Morgan bonding, and I couldn't believe the concept hadn't occurred to me. (This is why your reviews are important to me—you all are truly my co-writers) There are flashbacks in this chapter (yay!). I really enjoyed writing it and I'm excited for you to see it. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

 _"Can we talk about last night?"_

 _It was a question JJ had become used to. Anytime JJ and Emily had attempted to become more physical than a simple kiss, JJ's anxiety would set in, and inevitably, the next day would feature a conversation between the two about what had gone down. This particular event occurred a few weeks into the women's relationship._

 _"Um. Sure. I guess." JJ hated this part. It made it so she only ever wanted to hug her girlfriend. Anything else came with a set of consequences that were not worth it._

 _"You told me on our first date that you had had sex three times? I'm getting the impression that isn't true." Emily didn't want to dive in like that, but JJ only lasted in these conversations for like five minutes, understandably so, so Emily needed to skip the pleasantries._

 _JJ sat down on the couch with a sigh, gingerly taking the mug of coffee her girlfriend offered her. "Three women," the blonde clarified. "Not three times."_

 _"Why did you lie?" Emily wasn't angry, but if she was going to be the person to teach JJ that she wasn't the toy her other girlfriends had treated her as, she needed to learn as much of the truth as she could._

 _"I let three different women abuse me, Emily," JJ explained, shame evident in her voice. "I thought three times made me seem less weak."_

 _Emily, as usual, was shocked. Every time JJ uttered a self-deprecating word-which was often-it absolutely blew the brunette away. Emily could not imagine how someone as amazing as JJ was made to believe those things. "You're not weak. Not at all. Jennifer, you are unbelievably strong." Emily didn't know what else to say, or if her words would be a comfort at all. At this point, she knew it had to be her actions, and not her words, that would eventually allow JJ to trust again._

* * *

 _Ding._

It had been three hours since Derek had called her. And now the shrill call of the doorbell announced his arrival. Morgan had texted Emily and asked if it was okay if he and Hotch came over to deliver Erin's note and discuss the legal implications of Erin's suicide. Emily had said yes, hoping the stimulation would bring her wife out of the catatonic state she had been stuck in since Emily had uttered the words "Erin's dead" three hours earlier.

JJ jumped at the sound; it seemingly woke her up. Emily hated it, but she realized when her wife entered these states of unbearable numbness, sometimes fear was the only thing that snapped her out of it. Emily gently placed her hand on JJ's thigh for a moment, making sure her wake-up call had not triggered a panic attack, and then stood up to open the door.

Emily was greeted by two stern agents, both of whom entered her house wordlessly before the brunette led them into the living room, where JJ had managed to stand up. Hotch and Emily watched as JJ and Derek made anxious eye-contact. Both profilers saw hesitation in the blonde's eyes before she threw herself into Morgan's arms. The hug didn't last long, but all four of them were surprised that it happened. JJ pulled back first, looking at Hotch and Emily for a moment before speaking her first words in three hours.

"Derek, can I talk to you alone for a little while?"

The man nodded silently, gesturing for the blonde to lead him wherever she wanted to go. JJ made a beeline to the backyard. It was warm for autumn, almost eighty degrees, but it was pleasantly windy, and the smells of the outdoors always calmed JJ down. This conversation was too long put off.

Inside, Emily turned to Hotch. "That took longer than I expected."

Hotch nodded. "I'm glad they have each other."

Understandably, Emily wasn't in the mood for small talk. "So, what happens now?"

"Well, there's no doubt it was suicide. The problem is, because of the close nature of the case, the Bureau is investigating the possibility that she was coerced into it."

Emily hadn't been involved much in the interrogation process, so she needed to know. "Was she?"

"We got a little rough with her, maybe, but no. The reality of the life she brought on herself must have crashed in on her. I don't know of many women who were convicted of sexual abuse, and to be honest, she probably knew what would have happened to her in prison."

"How long do you think the investigation will take?" Emily wondered. She knew the quicker it was over, the more likely it was that JJ would be able to move past it.

"A few weeks, maybe. Not long. There's nothing to find," Hotch assured.

Just then, Emily's phone rang. "It's my mother-in-law," she told Hotch. "I've been ignoring her all morning. I better pick up."

Hotch nodded and made his way into the kitchen to give Emily some privacy.

"Hey, Annie."

* * *

" _Thank you." JJ quickly wiped a tear away and hid a trembling chin by taking a shaky sip of her coffee. "I appreciate you saying that to me."_

" _I say it because it's true, sweetheart," Emily desperately tried to convince her girlfriend._

" _I don't know if it is," JJ admitted tearfully, giving up on wiping them away, "but…thanks."_

 _Emily decided to take over JJ's attempt at wiping away her tears. But instead of angrily swiping her fingers across JJ's face, she took her time, wiping each individual tear away with deliberate motions, never breaking eye contact._

 _Soon, the blonde's tears stopped, a direct result of Emily's actions. No insecurity could win a battle against the fierceness of Emily Prentiss's love._

 _It was in that moment, pondering the strength in her girlfriend's softness, that JJ first realized that vulnerability was the thing about people that made them truly strong. There was a strength in love, a strength in tears…._

* * *

JJ and Morgan were quiet for a while. Neither agent knew how to begin this necessary conversation. The silence wasn't unwelcome though. Both of them had experienced the loudness that exists inside your mind when you are filled with shame. For the most part, both had figured out how to quiet the loudness, but even still, a true quiet moment was a rare occurrence, and they were both grateful for it.

Morgan spoke first. "JJ, I…really had no idea."

The blonde knew what her friend was referring to. "Until I met Emily, no one did."

"What does your mom know?" Derek asked, remembering something Annie Jareau had said to him during the Jackson Shaffer trial.

" _I don't know what will happen to Jenny if another one gets away with it."_

JJ nodded. "Everything. Not in detail, obviously, but after some of the things I said in my vows to Emily, mom was a little suspicious. My mother is the poster child for the 'moms know everything' cliché."

Derek nodded, not saying anything else.

This time, it was JJ's turn to break the silence. "Can I ask you a question, Derek?"

"Of course."

"When Carl Buford was murdered in prison, how did it make you feel?"

This was the question Derek was expecting. "I was a little disappointed that his sentence would be so short. I _really_ wanted to believe in hell. But mostly I was relieved that he was no longer in the world."

"I kinda feel like that too." JJ looked down.

"I feel like there's more to that statement," Derek observed.

"You don't need to be a profiler to figure that out," JJ laughed, knowing she was an open book, and it was obvious she wouldn't have asked that question if she wasn't expecting a more complicated answer.

"So what else is there?" Derek asked, prompting his friend.

"I don't know. I just—don't tell Emily this—but I kind of feel bad for her. I mean, she was abused as a child. I can just see the trail she took from there to the cell in Quantico. I can see myself traveling down that path too."

"You feel survivor's guilt because the woman who ruined your life is dead?" Morgan didn't mean to sound judgmental, but he couldn't help being a little angry. He began to fear that maybe this was something that Erin had brainwashed her to do, along with allowing her to hurt her for all those years.

"I know it's crazy, Derek, and that's why I can't really talk to Emily about it."

"I think she knows," Derek said. "Isn't that what started the fight you guys had?"

JJ nodded. "Now that I know you don't see where I'm coming from, I know I'm crazy." The blonde couldn't help but to laugh at herself."

"JJ, our situations are different," Derek explained. "Buford was never abused. He was simply a monster. But you have to look at it this way. More often than not, the unsubs we take down aren't just evil for the sake of being evil. Even so, when they have a gun to an innocent person's head, we take the shot. Not because the person who we shoot isn't a human being, but because the people they killed were also human beings. The system isn't perfect, but we do the best we can, and sometimes we fail. That doesn't make the lives we saved worthless. Sometimes unfair things happen. You and I know that better than most other people."

Derek stepped to JJ and hesitantly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, knowing she might react with fear to the touch. When she didn't, the man continued. "You know as well as I do that Erin couldn't be saved. She was past the point of any redemption."

JJ reached up to wipe an unsolicited tear, but she stopped herself. She was sad, unbearably so, and there was absolutely no reason to hide it. It took a lot of strength to let her hand come back to rest on the railing of the deck in the Prentisses' back yard, but she possessed more strength than Hercules in that moment. The blonde nodded. "You're right, Derek."

Derek pressed a gentle kiss to his friend's head. "You know, she didn't have any family left," he told her. "Someone asked me if you wanted her ashes."

"Well, if I don't take them, where will they go?"

Derek shrugged. "I can find out for you."

"No, I want them. I'll scatter them somewhere." She sniffed. "For closure," the blonde clarified.

"Okay," Derek said. "I'll get them to you," he promised.

There was a knock on the back door. It was Emily. JJ waved her out.

"Hey," she said. "Jen, you're mom called. I told her you weren't up to talking, but you might be tomorrow. Is that okay?"

JJ nodded. "Thanks, Em," she said.

"Of course," Emily replied, exiting the house completely, moving to stand next to her wife, who was just being released from Derek's grasp.

Just as Derek had done minutes earlier, Emily slowly wrapped an arm around her wife, relieved when the stiff, cold form she had been attempting to comfort earlier was no longer possessing JJ's body.

"Are you and Hotch done?" Morgan asked, sensing the two needed some time alone.

Emily nodded, leaning in to press the side of her head to the top of JJ's.

"Alright, well we should get going then," Morgan said. He turned to walk back in the house before he remembered the original reason why he came. He reached into his coat pocket and produced a piece of folded printer paper and then handed it to JJ. "Hotch and I will show ourselves out. You guys enjoy the sun."

"Thank you, Derek," she said, knowing he was aware the thanks was for more than the note.

"You got it, Jayje," he smiled, then he turned to both women. "Once the investigation is over, we'll be cleared to fly again. Hotch said you guys can choose whether or not you want to come back yet. Just wanted to let you know." With that, Morgan disappeared inside the house.

"What investigation?" JJ asked immediately.

Emily led them to the swing that had once belonged to Annie. The redhead had given them the old porch swing as a wedding gift after Emily had vocally admired it for years. "When something like this happens, it's procedure to investigate whether the suicide was coerced. I talked to Hotch about it. It wasn't."

JJ nodded, leaning into the warmth of her wife, who eagerly wrapped a loving arm around her.

That sat in comfortable silence for a moment. "You don't have to read the note, you know," Emily assured.

"I want to," JJ said. "Can I read it out loud?"

"If you want to." Emily sat up slightly from her lounged position but kept a supportive arm around JJ.

JJ unfolded the paper with Erin's handwriting on it. "It's not long," she explained.

Emily didn't reply, but waited patiently for JJ to speak…or not.

After a few seconds, the blonde began to read.

 _Jennifer,_

 _I don't even know how to begin. First, I want you to know that I am doing this for you. You were right. I lost. I never had any chance of winning, not since I was nine-years-old. But you…never let yourself believe your life was over. What's happened in your life is a thousand times worse than what's happened in mine._

 _I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. And I am not asking for it. What I am asking is for you to find Amanda. Please make sure she's taking after you and not after me._

 _You are not worthless. Oh, God, please don't believe all that shit I used to tell you. You are so amazing, Jennifer. And I was too stupid, too far gone to see that. Please believe what Emily tells you. She's right._

 _You won._

 _I finally understand the difference between a victim and a survivor._

 _Erin_

JJ managed to get the letter out before breaking down into tears. Emily took the letter out of her wife's hands, laying it down beside her, before wrapping JJ in her arms and carrying her back into their house. Emily laid JJ down before crawling into the bed behind her and holding her close. Soon, JJ's sobs transformed into small sniffles. "That's not what I was expecting," she confided eventually.

"Me neither," Emily agreed, softly smoothing her wife's hair back. "I'm really proud of you."

JJ just squeezed her wife's hand in thanks.

"I want to scatter her ashes," JJ said suddenly. "By the creek I used to tell you about. Where we used to go together. It was the only place Erin was ever truly at peace. I want her to stay there. At peace…."

 **AN: There's chapter 11! Please let me know what you think and what you want to see happen!**


	12. Chapter 12

Strength and Healing

Chapter 12

 **AN: Here is chapter 12! Thank you all for your continued support with this story. It means so much to me. I think JJ, Amanda, and their spouses take lots of good steps to move past what has happened to them. Hope you enjoy it!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Amanda, this is Agent Jennifer Jareau from the BAU." JJ had decided to give Amanda a call and ask if she wanted to join her in scattering Erin's ashes by the creek at which the redhead had somehow found a level of peace.

"JJ? You're JJ?" JJ could tell that Amanda had heard her name spoken often in her time living with Erin. The blonde shook the thoughts of what Erin had told Amanda about her out of her mind.

"Yes," the blonde replied, and then paused, not knowing if she needed a better segway into the next portion of their conversation.

Emily had gone to take a shower after JJ had asked her to give her a few minutes to call Amanda. The past few days had seen JJ pass through the stages of grief. She wasn't grieving Erin per se (knowing for certain that the woman would never again lay a hand on her offered her a level of security that she didn't even know beforehand that she was lacking), but rather the life Erin never got to live. JJ had spent time in denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, and was hoping the activity she planned to do today would help her reach acceptance. Of course, as JJ had learned many years before after the death of her sister, the stages of grief did not exist linearly, but rather as a roller coaster that went backwards, forwards, sideways, and even spun upside down and in circles.

"So, I wanted to ask you something." JJ had always been an eloquent speaker, stemming from her years on her high school's debate team, mock trial, and even a couple of plays (where she discovered her love for theatre). Of course, her participation in many of these activities were attempts on Annie's part to get her daughter excited about life again. Sometimes, it almost seemed to work.

Today seemed to be an exception to the rule of JJ's eloquence. It had started by her asking Emily if she could bring her those "shoes with the long legs", which Emily had quickly determined were her boots. JJ's head was not present that morning, but as she determined her purpose that day, her words were exiting her mouth a little more smoothly. Still, her transition into asking Amanda to come with her to scatter Erin's ashes was a little awkward.

"Um, Erin's ashes have been released to me, and I was planning on scattering them by a creek today. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me…."

"The creek in the park?"

"You know it?" JJ asked. It made sense. Amanda lived with Erin for several years, much longer than JJ was with her.

"Yeah. Erin used to take me there all the time, after she would…um…hurt me." The young woman paused. "Sure, I'll join you. Is it okay if I bring my husband?"

"Um, yeah. Of course. I was planning on bringing my wife."

"Okay, cool." When she had first picked up the phone, Amanda sounded unsure and unconfident. She was beginning to be comfortable talking to JJ though, and hoped they would become friends. "Brian and I will meet you there in like two hours?"

"Sounds good, Amanda. See you there. Bye."

"By, JJ."

Emily exited the bathroom wrapped in a towel at the same time JJ hung up the phone. "Were you talking to Amanda?" She released the towel holding her dark hair up and gave her head a small shake.

JJ nodded. "She and her husband are gonna meet us by the creek." The blonde sighed. "All I had to say is that I wanted to scatter Erin's ashes by a creek and she knew exactly the place I was talking about." The former media liaison shook her head slowly. "I don't know why, but that bothers me somehow."

"Well, the creek obviously had some significance to her. A lot of people find solace in nature. I know you do," Emily explained, rummaging in their closet to find appropriate clothing for a small hike into the woods.

"She said Erin would take her there after abusing her. She did the same with me." JJ took her turn in the closet and grabbed a T-Shirt and some yoga pants before laying them on her bed, next to which were "the shoes with the long legs", her hiking boots. "You know she apologized to me a few times? I always thought she was manipulating me, but now I think she actually meant it."

Emily, who was about to drop her towel, stopped for a moment and walked to her wife, who was sitting on their bed next to the clothes she had picked out. "You'll never know for sure, Jen," she reminded, pressing her lips to the skin of her wife's shoulder.

"I know," JJ said, leaning her head into Emily's damp hair. "I'll be able to accept that eventually. There are just so many things I wish I could ask her."

Emily nodded slightly. "Me too, baby. Me too," she sighed.

"We should probably finish getting dressed," JJ suggested. "We have to be there at 1."

Emily stood up and dropped her towel, beginning to move back to her side of the bed.

"You're so beautiful," JJ breathed. It was something she thought about often, but every once in a while the blonde was overcome with love and appreciation for everything her wife was.

Emily smiled softly. "Ditto," she stated pulling her underwear over her hips.

"I really mean it, baby," JJ persisted. "I am so lucky to have you in my life. You're more supportive than I ever could have dreamed. It seems like you get more amazing each time something awful happens." JJ chuckled slightly at the irony as she pulled the T-shirt over her head. "Why do you think that is?"

One of the things Emily loved so much about JJ was the way she never stopped asking questions. The brunette's wife was an answer seeker, and it had made the older profiler improve her answer-finding skills. "Well," she hypothesized, finishing the last hook of her bra and moving on to pants, "people always talk about what a hindrance it must be to take care of you the way I do. The truth is," the brunette explained, pulling a shirt over her head and then heading into the bathroom to brush her hair, JJ on her heels, "it's not a hindrance. Not even close. Being married to you is a privilege. I have the privilege of taking care of you and helping you heal from all that's happened." When both women had finished clothing and hair brushing, Emily stepped to her wife, wrapping her arms around her to add punctuation to her point. "I get to hold you and reassure you of how much I love you." The brunette continued, demonstrating each action as she spoke it. "I get to run my fingers through your wet hair and brush it, something I know brings you comfort. Comforting you when you need it makes me so happy, my love. I get to hold your hand while we walk through the park. I get to stand by your side through every struggle. We get to love each other. Tom and Sasha Lewis and Laura Rogers and Annabelle Sorrento weren't so lucky."

"I think I needed to hear that," JJ admitted after the two absorbed Emily's words in silence.

"I'll remind you whenever you need me to, Jennifer," the brunette promised with a soft kiss to her wife's lips. "You ready to do this?"

JJ nodded. "Thank you for coming with me."

"You don't have to thank me for that. You know I want to be there. But let me know if you need a moment alone with Amanda."

"I will," JJ said with a grateful smile.

"Do you want to pick up brunch on the way? I know you haven't eaten anything today," Emily pointed out, grabbing her cell phone and placing in inside one of her boots.

"It still amazes me that you know that just by looking at me," JJ laughed.

Emily laughed lightly with a shrug. "Magic." The brunette walked down the stairs behind JJ and reached into the cupboard where they had stored Erin's ashes in the last few days. "You still didn't answer my question," Emily observed.

JJ appreciated her wife's concern for the little things but it really wasn't a good time. "Can we worry about food after I scatter the ashes of the woman who abused me for months and left a gash in my stomach please?"

"Alright, point taken," Emily conceded. "Are you ready to go?"

JJ sighed. "Yeah, we should probably go now before I change my mind."

Emily placed the box of ashes on the counter and closed the short distance between herself and JJ, wrapping two strong arms around her waist and resting their foreheads together. "You don't have to do this."

"I kind of feel like I do."

"Why?" It was important to Emily for JJ to talk about these things. It was partially the inability to deal with past trauma that had caused Erin to spiral out of control and though Emily couldn't see any chance of JJ turning into Erin, it was still important for her wife to know there was an open channel of communication between them and JJ could tell her anything.

"She did what she did because she couldn't find peace. She thought hurting people like she had been hurt would bring her peace, but it didn't. I know she was peaceful at the creek. It was where she felt safe. Most unsubs we deal with aren't simply sadists. Everyone has a story. And everyone's story deserves a dignified end."

It was for this reason that JJ was generally opposed to the death penalty and it was for this reason that JJ took it upon herself to see Erin's dignified end through. Emily admired her wife's unconditional empathy, but didn't share it every time. Most of it was that Emily was incapable of seeing someone who did what Erin did to her wife, the person she saw as the most amazing in the whole world, as anything other than evil. The brunette would never try to convince JJ of this though. In fact, Emily wished she were more like JJ.

Because of this, there was only one response that the brunette deemed appropriate. "I love you."

JJ smiled. "I love you too, baby."

When they arrived at the creek, Amanda and her husband were already waiting for them. Emily and Brian shook hands and Amanda and JJ shared a hug. Soon, the two women walked together to the base of the creek with the box of ashes. Emily and Brian stayed behind the give their wives space.

"I appreciate your wife letting Mandy do this with her. I think it's something she needs," Brian thanked after a few minutes of silence.

Emily smiled by way of saying "you're welcome." "Did you know? Before the news got out, I mean."

Brian nodded. "We never really talk about it though."

Emily nodded in response. "We didn't for a long time. But after what happened last year, it was important to."

Emily didn't need to explain "what happened". Anyone in the DC area with a TV knew what happened to JJ at Shaffer's hands.

"I think Mandy doesn't like talking about it because she doesn't want to inconvenience me. I don't think she understands that I want to help her. I want her to talk to me. Being there for her is important to me, but I don't think she understands that."

"Jen and I were having a conversation about that earlier," Emily said, watching her wife release the ashes into the air.

"A part of it for her is that what happened to her happened a long time ago, so she thinks she should be over it by now."

"I think Jennifer feels that way sometimes too."

"She just had such an awful childhood that she finds it hard to believe that someone could actually love her," Brian explained.

"I think everyone has trust issues on some level, but survivors have an especially hard time. Jen has really struggled to let herself feel anything other than sadness and fear. She's really shown me what strength is. Healing takes some real strength. She's taught me so much. I'm so lucky to be married to her. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her," Emily spoke of her wife reverently.

Brian agreed. "Mandy too. Our wives are pretty amazing."

Emily smiled. "They really are."

The spouses of Erin's victims stood together watching the women they love for a few more minutes in silence. "You know, I think they could really help each other," Emily suggested.

Brian nodded. "Do you guys maybe want to get together and do something a little more fun than this?" he asked as JJ and Amanda made their way back up the small hill, JJ carrying the empty box.

Emily nodded as the women approached. "Definitely. We have Amanda's number. We'll call you in a few weeks after everything settles down some."

"Sounds good," Brian replied, taking a step forward to embrace his wife.

Emily did the same, wrapping herself tightly around JJ. "You okay, sweetie?"

JJ nodded into Emily's shoulder, dropping the box so she could hug her wife more tightly. "Thank you."

Emily couldn't help the small tear that escaped the prison of her right eye, and in a rare moment of vulnerability, allowed herself to be strong like JJ. "Ditto," she replied.

Next to the agents, Amanda and Brian were having a similar exchange. Soon, they separated enough to return from the woods. Both couples walked through the park hand-in-hand, just what Emily had told JJ she was grateful for. Once they reached the parking lot, hugs were exchanged and promises were made to remain in contact.

Emily and JJ got in their car. "Okay. Now, food has to happen."

JJ knew it was time for her to eat something. Food was always the first thing to go when the blonde was anxious about something pertaining to her abuse. To be honest, she was actually hungry, which told her she had found peace at the creek she had named "Peace Creek" with Amanda, after promising to meet up there sometimes together. "Do you want to cook something together?"

Emily and JJ used to cook together all the time before the Shaffer case. For some reason, afterwards, JJ kind of lost her love for cooking. It was probably partially because smells were the things that were most likely to trigger JJ and the smells of food while it is cooking are particularly intense. Emily probably had the same train of thought as JJ because she also recognized JJ's question as a sign that she had found some closure. "What do you want to make?"

JJ shrugged as Emily put the key in the ignition. "What do we have in the house?"

Emily put the car into drive and began to back out of the parking spot. "Let's go find out."

A few minutes into their drive, JJ's phone rang. It was an unknown number.

"Who is it?" Emily asked.

"I have no idea," JJ replied, making the decision to answer the phone anyway, something she rarely did. "Hello?"

 **AN: I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you all liked it too. What did you think? Who do you think called JJ? I'm really interested in your guesses.**


	13. Chapter 13

Strength and Healing

Chapter 13

 **AN: Here is chapter 13! This is me attempting to tie up the Erin storyline in a neat little bow, knowing it's impossible. There are also some revelations about JJ's abduction in here. I definitely want to trigger warn here because there's some graphic stuff in this chapter. Please remember that I am trying to be realistic while still keeping a mood of optimism. JJ releases some really toxic stuff in this chapter. There may be mistakes because I edited it quickly.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

JJ had just received a call from an unknown number and in a moment of social bravery, answered her phone. The person on the other end was not one she was expecting, but it wasn't an unwelcome call. In fact, JJ vividly remembered asking the woman to call her at any time if she was needed.

"Hi, Agent Jareau?"

"Yes, this is she…."

"This is Sarah Vaughn." There was a pause on the other end before the woman continued. "I don't even know how to word this. Your team rescued me from my uncle in Nashville last spring?"

This was all the information JJ needed to hear in order to recognize the one surviving victim from the Joseph Moore case. "Hi, Sarah! It's good to hear from you. How are you doing?"

Emily, sitting next to JJ in the driver's seat, raised an eyebrow as she pressed her foot gently on the brake pedal and came to a smooth stop in front of a red light.

JJ considered putting the phone on speaker to spare Emily the confusion, especially because the brunette was not aware that Sarah Vaughn had been given JJ's card, but thought better of it because JJ didn't know what Sarah had called about and she deserved a confidential conversation if that's what she wanted.

"I'm doing pretty well. Jason and I actually just moved in D.C. for school. We kind of grabbed Liam and escaped the family we have left. We're getting married in the fall. What about you? We saw what happened with your ex in the news."

JJ couldn't help the sigh that escaped her. It frustrated her that random strangers she saw on the street knew an extremely personal part of her life story, even though she was the one who originally leaked the story to the press. "I've been a little overwhelmed with the whole situation, but I think considering what happened, I've been doing pretty well. Emily's been great."

At the sound of her name, Emily perked once again, and JJ lifted a pointer finger in response, making sure her wife knew that she was planning on explaining once she got off the phone. The brunette didn't think her wife was friends with a Sarah; their team pretty much comprised of all their friends.

"I'm glad to hear that, Agent Jareau."

"Oh, please call me JJ, Sarah. There's definitely no need for formalities between us."

It was then that Emily remembered a twenty-something named Sarah Vaughn that she and her wife had rescued from her sexual predator and serial killer of an uncle. Joseph Moore had kidnapped and murdered five women using the glass of liquor bottles and their contents to teach them a lesson about the harmful effects of alcohol after he was triggered by the collision that killed his teen daughters, Maggie and Melanie. "Sarah Vaughn?" Emily mouthed to her wife to confirm. JJ nodded while listening to Sarah's response.

"Well, JJ, I called because I'm organizing a support group for sexual abuse survivors and their significant others. We have our first meeting next month and I wanted to invite you and Emily to attend."

"Oh?" This wasn't what JJ was expecting, but in her surprise she realized what a good idea it was. There definitely wasn't a handbook on dating a survivor and something like this would have been helpful for her and Emily at the beginning of their relationship, and it would probably be just as helpful now. "Yeah, I'd be interested. Let me talk to Emily and get back to you." It looked like Emily and Brian hit it off and it occurred to JJ that it could do Emily some good to interact with some spouses of survivors. Thinking of Brian caused JJ to ask the following question. "Is it okay if I ask some new friends to come too?"

"Of course!" was Sarah's enthusiastic response. "I'm trying to advertise while still keeping it on the down low for confidentiality's sake, so if you know anyone who might be interested, please let them know."

"I definitely will," JJ promised as Emily pulled into their driveway.

"Awesome. Thanks so much, JJ. I appreciate it."

JJ followed Emily into the house while ending the conversation. "No problem. Call or text me to let me know the details when you get the chance. And we'll be in town for at least another week before we start traveling with the team again."

The two said their goodbyes and JJ hung up the phone as Emily opened the refrigerator. "We have stuff for breakfast for dinner," she offered.

JJ nodded. "Sounds good," she said, placing her cellphone into her boot like a pocket.

"So, where are we going with some new friends if I'm okay with it?" Emily asked, summarizing what she had heard from JJ's end of the conversation.

JJ strode into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl from a cupboard to make pancakes. "Sarah moved her family to D.C.," she began, taking the box of pancake mix Emily offered her. "And she's starting a support group for survivors and their significant others. She called to invite us."

"That's actually a really good idea," Emily praised. "I've never heard of a support group including spouses, but it's important."

"You would know," JJ smiled, cracking an egg into the bowl of pancake mix. "So you wanna go?"

"Sure! And I'm guessing the new friends were Amanda and Brian," she supplied.

"Yeah, well, Amanda and I could see you and Brian hitting it off up there. I think this would be good for all of us."

"I'm definitely in," Emily confirmed, wrapping her arms around JJ from behind and pressing her lips to her wife's cheek.

JJ giggled. "You want these eggs, babe?" she asked, handing the carton off to Emily.

"Thank you," Emily said, kissing her wife once more and then moving on to the task of making food.

After the two women had eaten, JJ made her way up the stairs at Emily's insistence. The brunette could tell her wife needed a few minutes alone. She would probably take another shower. After a few minutes, Emily walked up the stairs to discover she was right.

The shower was no longer running, but Emily could feel the steam in their bedroom. The door was slightly open, so without thinking, Emily just opened it all the way.

JJ was naked from the waist up and in her surprise, her arms jumped to cover her bare chest.

The sharp movement startled Emily as well. "Oh…God…I'm sorry. I guess I should have knocked."

JJ shook her head. "No, you're fine." The response didn't correlate well to JJ's actions, as her arms hadn't budged and she still resembled a deer about to be hit by a car.

"Why are you still covering yourself?" Emily asked softly. "It's just me."

It was then that JJ realized that she hadn't dropped her arms, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. "I don't know. I guess I'm still jumpy from all that's happened this week."

Emily visibly softened at JJ's unintentional lie. "Wanna talk about it?" she prompted, attempting to get JJ to dive into the crux of the issue. The blonde just shrugged. Emily stepped closer to her wife slowly, prepared for a frightened reaction. When JJ was upset for any reason, it made her more prone to PTSD-related reactions. The brunette placed both hands on her wife's arms, smiling softly when the blonde's tense form relaxed slightly under her loving touch. Emily then gingerly wrapped her hands around both of JJ's wrists-the lowest part of her arms she could reach) and slowly pulled them away from her chest. JJ didn't fight the movement at all, but rather embodied a stance of defeat. Emily's determined eyes remained fixed on her wife's sad ones. "This isn't jumpiness, my love. It's shame. What's going on?"

The blonde knew her wife was right. She always was. JJ, per usual, had a question to ask, one she had been pondering for a year. "Do you think there will ever be a time when what happened to me doesn't affect every day of my life?"

Emily sighed, immediately squeezing both of JJ's hands and then released, grabbing the T-Shirt that was in the bathroom and handing it to her, allowing her to become more comfortable. "That question doesn't have a simple answer, sweetheart."

JJ nodded. "I wish it did," she confided as Emily walked back into the bedroom to change as well.

"I do, too," the brunette agreed, pulling on a tank top. "Recovery comes with time," she reminded, "and it's only been a year since your abduction." Emily stuck her head into the bathroom where JJ was brushing her teeth. "Bring the brush and a hair band in here."

JJ did just that and handed the items over, knowing Emily wanted them to comfort her. "That reminds me. With everything that happened with Erin this week, it kind of stole the thunder of the anniversary of my abduction."

Emily nodded, taking a few locks of JJ's hair into her hand and brushing it, being sure that the motion didn't pull on her head at all. "Do you feel like we should talk about it to give that aspect of your insecurity and discomfort some attention?"

Unable to nod, JJ was relegated to speech. "Yeah," she whispered, unsure how to proceed.

"Anything specific you want to talk about?" Emily asked, finishing removing the knots from her wife's hair.

JJ shrugged slightly, grimacing when the movement pulled on her hair. JJ released the drying tendril that she was currently brushing and gently massaged JJ's scalp where her hair had been tugged. JJ sighed. "I don't really remember you guys rescuing me. Well, I remember part of it. I remember you and Derek asking me where Shaffer had gone. I remember you untying me and wrapping me in the blanket. I was crying and you were trying to comfort me. I remember you talking to Shaffer. After that, it all goes blank."

Emily put down the brush and replaced it with the fingers of her right hand. "You were in shock," she reminded, proving a reason for JJ's being unable to recall the event. The brunette didn't want to have this conversation, but JJ deserved answers. And to be honest, Emily probably needed to talk about it. "What's the first thing you remember?"

"I remember you talking to the nurses and they finally let you come in. Although I don't remember how long you weren't with me for it to be 'finally.' And then they moved me to an exam room because I was stable? I remember Dr. Chung coming in and me begging her to let you stay. And then I remember everything after that." JJ recited the events slowly, with a confused inflection in her voice.

Emily stilled her fingers for a moment, just long enough for her to lean forward and press her lips to the wet hair of her wife's head. "Well," she began, swallowing thickly, "the medics arrived and tried to get you on a gurney, but you wouldn't let any of them touch you."

Emily let her fingers travel the length of JJ's hair one more time before moving to ret her back against the headboard of their bed, allowing JJ to rest in between her legs; both women sat facing forward. "They were all men?" JJ assumed.

The blonde felt, rather than saw, her wife nod in response. "I volunteered to carry you out of the house. You let me do that. After I laid you on the gurney, I had to hold you down so the EMTs could sedate you."

"I didn't know they did that."

Emily linked the fingers of one hand with the fingers of one of JJ's, squeezing lightly. "You had lost a lot of blood and you were in shock. They had to begin treatment immediately. I hated having to hold you down like that, God, you were so scared, but your life was at stake."

JJ lifted her head, making eye contact with Emily from below, and could see she was crying. "My angel, you don't have to feel guilty for that." Emily leaned down to kiss her wife's nose as JJ wiped away her tears. "What happened after I got to the hospital?"

Emily sniffed. "I rode in the ambulance with you, but once we got to the ER, they wouldn't let me past the waiting room. What I know happened is this: you got two blood transfusions, some IV fluids, and lots of morphine. They managed to stop the bleeding. I didn't get an update for over an hour."

JJ squeezed Emily's hand. She couldn't imagine how long that hour was. "I'm surprised I was awake by the time I was moved to the exam room."

"They needed to wake you up so they could talk to you," Emily explained.

"How much blood did I lose?" the blonde asked after a moment.

"I'm not totally sure," Emily confessed. "They couldn't even tell where it all came from because it was everywhere."

"I'm sorry," the blonde whispered.

Emily maneuvered her wife's body so she was facing her. "What on Earth are you apologizing for?"

"For a lot of things," JJ admitted, "but mostly for kicking you out when they did the rape kit. I know how much that must have hurt."

Emily shook her head. "I understand why you did it. And I don't blame you for it."

JJ was looking down, refusing to make eye contact now. "Look, there's something you don't know."

Emily couldn't possibly imagine what this secret might be. "Well, you know you call tell me anything." The brunette made an attempt to lift JJ's chin, but the blonde wouldn't budge.

"I really don't want to see your face when I tell you this," she begged. "Don't make me look at you."

Emily dropped her hand, instead placing it on her wife's thigh. "Jennifer, whatever this is—"

JJ interrupted. "Please stop. This is the only thing I have ever purposefully kept from you, but I need to tell you because the guilt will kill me if I don't."

"Is this what's been eating at you all year?" Emily asked. She needed to know.

JJ nodded.

"I need to say this first. Whatever it is you've been hiding will not change how I feel about what happened to you in that basement."

JJ shook her head. Logically, she knew it shouldn't. What had happened was common and really didn't mean anything. But irrationally, she couldn't see how it wouldn't change how Emily saw her abduction.

Both women were silent for a few moments. And then JJ whispered.

"I came."

Emily wasn't sure if she had heard right. "What?"

Tears began to fall steadily from JJ's eyes. "When Shaffer raped me, I had an orgasm."

For at least a minute, Emily didn't know how to react. She knew her hand tightened around her wife's thigh and she hoped it translated as an act of comfort. Suddenly, words that her wife had spoken over the past year had a double meaning to her.

 _"I just… I need you to know….Remember when I asked you what it was like to have sex with a man? I was just curious. I never actually…wanted to-"_

 _"If I had an STD, you wouldn't be…mad or anything?"_

 _"It…wasn't…consensual."_

This was one of the reasons JJ just couldn't accept what had happened wasn't her fault. Emily felt awful. Her wife had been alone in this guilt and Emily had no idea. She knew that there was always something more to her shame, something Emily just couldn't reach, and now that she knew what it was, she had no idea how to make it better for JJ.

She soon realized that JJ was rambling, apologizing profusely over and over for something that wasn't even her fault. "I'm so sorry, Emily. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop it…." Emily didn't know how to get JJ to take a deep breath and think about what she was saying. So she did what she usually did when she needed to calm her wife down immediately. She occupied her lips with something else. It took JJ a moment to respond to the kiss, but when she did, she did so with fervor. Emily had to pull back because it was getting out of hand. "I need you to think about this for a minute."

JJ was confused. Emily didn't seem angry, but she wasn't immediately comforting either, and this gray reaction wasn't something she was used to. The blonde nodded anyway.

"How often to you hear that from survivors?"

JJ knew where this was going now. "A lot," she whispered.

"And why do you think that is?" Emily asked, releasing her grip on JJ's thigh slightly.

"Because it happens often…." The blonde conceded.

Emily continued the little scenario because she knew it would get her point across. "And what do you usually tell those women?"

JJ sighed. "That sometimes our bodies react when our brains don't want us to and we have no control over it."

Emily nodded. "It doesn't mean anything, my love. It happens. You have to know that." Emily paused. "That's why you were so nervous when Davis was going to claim it was consensual? You were afraid he was going to use that against you and I would find out?"

JJ nodded.

"It was obvious by your injuries and your psychological trauma that what happened to you was violent, brutal, and not in any way something you wanted to happen. That's the absolute truth and it is a true to me now as it was an hour ago."

JJ blushed. "I never saw any of the pictures. I looked that bad?"

"That statement was not meant to make you self-conscious, my love," Emily said, picking up the brush again and beckoning JJ to turn around. The brunette began to braid her wife's hair as she spoke. "Every part of you has always been breathtaking. And I love everything about you, sweetheart." When Emily was done braiding JJ's hair, she placed a light kiss to the nape of her neck. "It feels like midnight," she observed, looking at the clock and seeing it was only nine p.m.

JJ turned around and through her tear-streaked face, Emily could tell a large weight had been lifted off her shoulders. The brunette caressed her wife's face with gentle fingers, wiping tears away in the process. "You look lighter," she observed.

JJ nodded. "This week has been very cathartic," she said.

"I can imagine," Emily agreed, fingering the bottom of JJ's braid, which had been draped over her shoulder. "My beautiful, strong girl," she cooed, "no more guilt, no more secrets. Everything you think is a big deal…simply isn't. If you'd just tell me these things, you would know that."

JJ nodded slowly. "You're right. There's enough that's too complicated about our life. I shouldn't make it more complicated than it needs to be."

"There's no need for you to get yourself so worked up…over anything. We can always work through it, I promise. I love you so much and that will never change," Emily vowed solemnly, leaning in to press her lips to her wife's. They kissed languidly for a few minutes, the stress of the day melting away in their connection. Suddenly, the brunette had an idea. She pulled away quickly, leaving JJ slightly confused. "What do you say we go see if there's any ice cream in the freezer?"

JJ's eyes lit up. Though the credit was usually given to Penelope, Emily was just as talented at keeping the intensity at a bearable level. Having a wife that was so easily overwhelmed had forced her to become a pro.

"Yeah, I think that's what the solution to this problem was missing," JJ agreed, chasing her wife down the stairs and into the kitchen.

 **AN: I had to end with some fluff. Tell me: were you surprised about the things that happened in this chapter or were they things you would expect? I hope I wrote JJ and Emily believably in this chapter. Sometimes their intense conversations seem unnatural to me. You guys still seem to like them though. I hope I answered some questions that you guys had about what happened in this chapter. I had the questions too, which is why I wrote this chapter. Let me know what you think of it all and what you would like to see happen.**

 **-Gabby**


	14. Chapter 14

Strength and Healing

Chapter 14

 **AN: I'm posting chapter 14 early because I feel like it, haha. I really appreciate the positive feedback last chapter. It means a lot to me. I wrote in a previous chapter Amanda telling JJ that the Moore case was in spring, but I need to correct that and say it was in winter. Also, I want to take a minute to say that I have not forgotten about my one-shot series. I have a bunch of prompts, but I haven't felt inspired to write one, but I will when my muse arrives. The purpose of the flashback in this chapter is to delve into JJ's thoughts right after her abduction. Because of that, there are some graphic descriptions.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

 _Step. Wince. Step. Wince. Step. Wince._

 _Squat. Wince. Sit. Wince._

 _Stand. Wince._

 _Step. Wince. Step. Wince. Step. Wince._

 _And so went the circle of Jennifer Jareau's life. Well, at least for the past several days. And if that wasn't bad enough, what followed was an anguished whisper of the word "baby", filled with pity, filled with concern._

 _JJ would have none of it. It's not that a reminder of her wife's love wasn't always welcome, but the fear that laced Emily's voice with the utterance of the term of endearment, the fear that despite the efforts of copious amounts of Motrin, Ibuprofen, and Tylenol on rotation paired with desperate words of comfort and reassurance, the blonde woman was still in an unbearable amount of distress-hearing Emily's fears and knowing they were founded…well, that was not welcome._

 _And let's not even start with the guilt. Each whispered question, declaration of love, phrase of pity, reminded JJ that the distress her wife was in was her fault. JJ did that to Emily. And whatever logical argument that the profiler could muster about how nothing that JJ consciously did caused her wife to lie awake in anguish every night paled in comparison to the fact that JJ knew that if she hadn't been abducted, Emily would be reading peacefully at that very moment. But she wasn't. Nope. Instead, Emily was helping her broken wife use the bathroom. When sitting in any place, JJ needed a controlled, guided landing to keep ribs from rattling and stitches from ripping and angry bruises from worsening._

 _While Emily attempted to fill up the painful silence with optimistic small talk and the occasional praise of a job well done-Really? JJ could still pee!-the blonde was already too humiliated by what had been done to her to add salt to her wounds by validating the situation with a mere verbal recognition that she had, indeed, used the bathroom a pleasing four times that day._

 _It wasn't often that JJ kept secrets from Emily. In fact, it wasn't often that JJ kept secrets from anyone. The blonde had come out to her mother at thirteen, she had disclosed to Emily in the only way that she could that she was an abuse survivor on their first date, and had even confided in Hotch about her sister's suicide the day she realized that her boss noticed her acting oddly in response to suicide cases. It wasn't even all that difficult for her really; the blonde naturally an honest person—no shame, no regrets, no secrets. It was a pretty easy motto for someone who believed she had nothing to be ashamed of. Now, knowing there were things about her abduction and response to it that she was keeping from Emily dug the dagger inside her deeper and deeper each time she heard the words "I love you" from that sweet, angelic voice._

 _To the brunette's credit, her enthusiasm never curbed; each time JJ overcame a hurdle, even one as simple as sitting up without screaming, Emily didn't miss a beat before acknowledging it. It was imperative to her that her wife never forgot that a feat as simple as bringing a spoonful of cereal to her lips, chewing it, and swallowing it without vomiting was worthy of a celebration._

 _JJ didn't want to be celebrated. In fact, the first two weeks after her abduction was the only time in the blonde's life that she ever truly understood why her sister believed death would be less painful. It was the thought of Emily losing her after she had just saved her that kept JJ going second after second. Hour after hour. Day after day._

 _Stand. Wince. Step. Wince. Squat. Wince. Sit. Wince. Breathe. Wince._

 _There was nothing that didn't hurt._

* * *

One would think the sensation of shooting up in your bed in response to a nightmare wouldn't be shocking anymore. One would also think that a person's response to a nightmare would become less severe. One would be incorrect.

Case and point: JJ was thrust from a nightmare at two twenty-seven a.m. on November twenty-eighth, days after Thanksgiving, a holiday JJ had decided to not celebrate in the immediate aftermath of Erin's suicide. It had been just hours since JJ had tearfully confessed to Emily information about her most recent rape that she believed to be self-incriminating in some way. Emily, a pro, had been expecting the shame-induced nightmare. It happened sometimes.

Though the strangled scream that escaped JJ's lips each time she was launched out of a nightmare never failed to pull Emily's heart into her stomach, her reaction to the sound each time was calculated, robotic almost. It was a situation she had known how to respond to for almost ten years. Each nightmare required the same key element: patience.

The main difference between nightmares was the immediate proactive plan that needed to initiate. Depending on the information Emily had become aware of in the last few seconds, the brunette had to decide whether to begin comfort with words or with touch. JJ had the potential to react with fear to both equally. Emily had to decide which one was less risky on any given night.

That night, November twenty-eighth, Emily decided physical contact was her best bet. Any touch when JJ was triggered had to begin slowly and be maneuvered gently while being firm enough to bring the blonde back to reality. It was a delicate balance, with possible disastrous consequences. And tonight especially, patience would mean the difference between failure and success.

With a methodic movement, Emily sat up parallel to her wife's form, meanwhile reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. The blonde shuddered. "Emily. I'm sorry."

It was time for words. "Baby."

JJ flinched slightly. There it was again. That _tone._ "I know I shouldn't be sorry," invaded the atmosphere of the Prentisses' bedroom. JJ, unlike her wife, did not have patience for her nightmares. "I'm okay." And though it was delivered with a whisper, the declaration was sincere. JJ knew where she was, she was awake, and she wasn't having a panic attack. A promising start.

Emily moved nominally closer to JJ, moving her arm to wrap fully around her wife. "I knew this would happen," the blonde spat, frustrated with herself.

The older profiler moved to sit behind JJ, curling her damp braid up to separate it from her sweaty skin. "We can't always prevent it though," Emily whispered softly. "I understand why you're frustrated. So am I. But remember what I said—no more shame." Of course the woman knew it was easier said than done, but she hoped to verbal encouragement would assist her wife in understanding she was guilty of nothing.

"Stay right here," she gently commanded before padding into the bathroom to retrieve some small towels. The brunette wet each with cold water before ringing them to get rid of the excess moisture. She reentered the bedroom with towels in hand.

JJ knew what was happening. It was the same routine each time. The blonde took a wet towel from her wife and wrapped it around her neck. Emily motioned for her to lie down and the next towel occupied the space of the blonde's forehead. Emily brushed JJ's hair out of the way so her hairline wouldn't get too wet. The younger woman always got hot after a nightmare, but Emily knew it wouldn't take a lot of cold water to cool her off too much. JJ sighed. "Thanks," she whispered.

Emily nodded. "Of course." The brunette laid on her side next to her wife, propping her head up on her hand. "Do you want to talk about it?" she offered, linking her fingers with the fingers of JJ's right hand resting on her abdomen.

"It was about Shaffer." The blonde swallowed. "You know how he injected me with some paralytic type drug before…?" She trailed off. Emily nodded with a light squeeze of JJ's hand. "Well, I was dreaming that it didn't wear off. You came to rescue me and all I had to do was come to you. You weren't even ten meters away, but I couldn't get there. I couldn't get to you. And you couldn't get to me." Her voice broke and she made a desperate attempt to wipe her tears away.

Emily didn't hesitate to gently move her hand away. "Shhh, that's my job," she cooed, brushing away each individual tear, which proved difficult when they came faster. "It was only a dream. I got to you and you're safe now."

"I had absolutely no control over my own body," JJ sobbed, and Emily knew she was no longer referring to her nightmare.

For the next few minutes, JJ didn't speak. The only sounds in the room were JJ attempting to calm herself down interspersed with Emily's reassurance that she could cry for as long as she needed to, that she had total control over their present situation.

Finally, JJ provided verbal validation to the thoughts that had been haunting her. "I can't imagine how confused all those survivors must be." Emily wasn't exactly sure what her wife was referring too—what did she mean she couldn't imagine? "I mean," she continued, somehow understanding Emily needed some explanation, "I have all this training and understanding about how sexual assault works and the reasons behind it and people's reaction to it and recovery and all of that." Suddenly, the blonde became more lucid than before and her words, though fraught with emotion, were clear and to the point. "And I still had a hard time stopping myself from believing that because my body reacted, what Shaffer did to me was technically consensual. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I didn't have that education….In the past, when survivors who'd had similar experiences would tell me confidentially that they had climaxed during their assault and then ask if they could still send their rapist to prison, I didn't understand it. Of course they could. It was still rape, obviously. It seemed like a no-brainer to me." JJ, whose eyes had been closed lightly during her statement, looked up to make eye contact with Emily who was listening intently. JJ shook her head. "It isn't a no-brainer," the blonde whispered tearfully. "Not by a long shot."

Emily smiled sadly in response, communicating to JJ that she had followed her train of thought as best she could. Emily knew she would never truly understand. It was still her duty as someone who loved JJ to listen. "I know it's not," she replied eventually. "And that's okay. We'll talk. We'll heal. We'll get there." The brunette wiped one last remaining tear from her wife's cheek gingerly. "That's just what we do." There was no question in Emily's voice, no hesitation. Only a level of absolute sincerity and truth.

JJ sniffed, using her free hand to take the almost dry towel off her forehead and then sitting up, removed the one around her neck. "One step forward, two steps back, huh?"

Emily shook her head, retrieving the two towels from her wife's hands and throwing them in the corner to be placed in the laundry later. "That's not true," the brunette disagreed. "I think the last twenty-four hours has encompassed the most progress you've ever made in your healing journey. Erin's ashes, befriending Amanda, deciding to go to Sarah Vaughn's support group, releasing toxic shame, and this conversation—all steps forward. Every step is a step forward, my love," Emily declared, cradling her wife's face lovingly between both her hands. "The only step back is no step at all."

 **A/N: I love making myself cry at midnight! I'm almost at 100 reviews for this story and it would mean so much to me if I could get them with this chapter. It's very, very important plot wise, so it would be a great milestone for the Prentisses as well as me! Haha—I love you guys and appreciate each one of you and all your support and feedback.**

 **-Gabby**


	15. Chapter 15

Strength and Healing

Chapter 15

 **AN: It's been two weeks! I am so, so sorry about that! I'm hoping it won't happen again. *fingers crossed* Thank you for being patient! By the way, I got my 100** **th** **review from Sam. Thank you to everyone who's reviewed and read, especially those who've been with me from the beginning. I look forward to each one of your reviews. Alright, on with chapter 15! Not much happens in this chapter, but I wanted to give everyone a glimpse of how JJ and Emily's relationship has changed in past few weeks and how JJ has found some peace with herself.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

December found the Prentisses living their lives "normally", meaning it went by without many hiccups. JJ and Emily made a permanent return to the BAU, and after being cleared of any abuse against Erin which might have caused her to kill herself, the team began travelling again halfway through the month. The BAU had been back in commission for less than two weeks and had already solved three high profile cases in Tulsa, New Orleans, and Orlando—each case ended favorably, or as well as a serial murder case could. The unsub in New Orleans even turned himself in. And now that Christmas had come and gone (JJ and Emily had a simple dinner with Annie) it was time for everyone to set their sights on the New Year.

One Saturday in late December, JJ walked down the stairs in her house with a pep in her step. It had been some time since she and her mom had been able to spend some quality time together and the proposition she had received that morning had come along to change it. Emily was in the kitchen, currently attempting to get a stuck pancake out of the frying pan she was working with.

"You need some help, Em?" the blonde offered, striding into the kitchen.

"Nah, it's a lost cause," the woman conceded, finishing scraping off what she could and placing the pan in the sink and turning on the faucet.

Emily sighed and turned to her wife, placing a quick kiss on her lips. "You slept late," she observed in a whisper into JJ's lips, the stove clock telling her it was almost two in the afternoon.

"Yeah, well, I'm just grateful I _can_ now," the blonde admitted, pulling away after a moment. In the month since the events leading up to and following Erin's death, the younger profiler had found herself existing at a level of peace that she had not experienced since before her abduction. It felt good, but also odd because it was not something JJ was used to at all. It was almost difficult for the blonde to live comfortably after carrying around unnecessary chains of guilt for all that time. But the discomfort of comfort was something that JJ was okay with acclimating to slowly. She took the lightness with stride and gratitude, no longer believing she had anything to feel guilty for—Emily had always been good for clarification and comfort in that regard.

"Me too," the brunette agreed, also feeling grateful that the past month had been the easiest—for lack of a better word—month that she and her wife had been met with in over a year. November would always be a difficult month for them: JJ's abduction one year and everything Erin the next. But December, though placed at the end of the year, would always signify new beginnings to the two women. One month with zero nightmares. Emily couldn't recall the last time that had happened.

"What time did you wake up?" JJ asked, worried that Emily had been nervous about something.

"About nine, I think," Emily replied, placing the plate of surviving pancakes on the kitchen table. "I was hungry, so I just got up. I already ate. These are for you."

"You don't have to make me breakfast…er, lunch," the blonde corrected herself.

"Doesn't mean I can't," Emily stated with a loving smile. "We had run out of blueberries so I went to the store too."

"Oh," JJ responded, sitting down in a chair and gesturing for Emily to do the same, which she did after handing her wife a fork. "You have any run-ins today?"

Emily shook her head, knowing JJ was referring to the fact that the last time Emily had made an early morning blueberry run, it had become the catalyst for a new fiasco with Erin. "That's not even funny," she chastised, but not being able to wipe the smile completely from her face at JJ's attempt to make light of a dark situation.

"I'm just trying to not be so heavy all the time," JJ explained.

"But it's okay to be heavy if that's what you're feeling," Emily reminded.

"Okay, it is definitely too early for an Emily speech," JJ laughed lightly and then sobered. "I am one hundred percent okay right now. I promise."

Emily nodded, sufficiently appeased, and JJ took the moment to take a bite of her breakfast. "I still don't know how you make pancakes taste this good," JJ uttered in awe after a rather satisfied moan.

Emily laughed with a shrug. "I guess I just…have a magic touch," she boasted, wiggling her fingers.

JJ chuckled and then swallowed. "Very funny."

Emily heard the microwave alarm go off and so she got up and retrieved the item before setting it in front of JJ. The blonde eyed her wife. "You made blueberry syrup too?"

Emily huffed over-exaggeratedly. "What, I can't spoil my wife?"

JJ picked up the gravy boat and poured the gooey syrup over her entire plate of food. "I guess it's okaaaaaay." The blonde smiled goofily before laughing lightly and taking another bite of food and giving Emily a thumbs up.

"Hey, can I go out with my mom later?" JJ asked after a few minutes.

"Of course," Emily said, taking a sip of her decaf coffee. "You don't have to ask for permission, you know that right?"

JJ nodded. Habit.

"Where are you guys going? Just curious."

"One of her friends from the community center gave her two tickets to the local production of the musical RENT for Christmas. She asked if we wanted to go. I told her that you wouldn't be interested, but it would be fun if she and I went together."

Emily thought for a moment. "RENT….Is that the one about all the gay performance artists?" She laughed.

JJ shook her head. "They're not all gay and they're not all performance artists," she chuckled.

Emily shrugged. "Whatever you say." JJ smacked her playfully. "Totally go and have fun without me. Morgan actually asked if I wanted to go get drinks with him later, 'just us bros', so it's convenient for me too." Emily winked.

"I'm glad we worked all that out," JJ said, still laughing.

The two cleaned off the table together. Afterwards, JJ pulled Emily to her for a hug. It was a sudden movement so it threw the brunette for a moment, but pretty quickly she wrapped her arms tightly around JJ.

"Thank you," the blonde whispered into the crook of Emily's neck.

Emily just hummed in response and squeezed JJ to her slightly tighter, and held her until JJ loosened her grip and backed away slightly. "I missed this," the blonde sighed.

"Missed what?" Emily asked, genuinely wondering, and the two women walked into their living room and cuddled together on the couch.

"Playing with each other like that. The gentle teasing and all of it. You've been so careful with me," JJ explained with a kiss to the skin of Emily's shoulder, "that we kind of lost the light aspects of our relationship."

"I'm always going to be careful," Emily reminded, running the fingers of her right hand through her hair. "I would never risk your comfort. Ever."

"I know that," JJ confirmed, lifting her head from Emily's shoulder so she could meet her wife's determined gaze. "I'm just saying you loosened up a little this morning—afternoon—and I just see the significance of that. Being able to have sex again, that was important, don't get me wrong, but this—this tells me I've made some real progress with reclaiming the type of relationship we had before….That we've made some real progress with it. Am I making any sense?"

Emily nodded with a small smile, using her left hand to trace circles with her pointer finger on JJ's waist where her tank top was rising up. "It makes a lot of sense. And I agree completely."

Comforted by this, JJ buried her face into the crook of Emily's neck once again and reached for her right hand, placing it on the back of her head, communicating clearly what she wanted.

Emily giggled before granting JJ her wish and leaning down to whisper in her ear. "I'll be sure to tease you more often."

The combination of the words and the touch caused an involuntary shiver to run through the blonde's body. The brunette laughed at JJ's reaction, proud of herself.

JJ was a little embarrassed about how easily Emily did this too her and the brunette's self-satisfied laugh was no help. "Stoooooop," she whined.

Emily could tell the word was insincere, so she reminded her wife, "You know I listen to stop, so don't say it unless you mean it." The smirk in her voice was evident. "Do you mean it?" Emily asked seductively, stilling the movement of her hands.

JJ's breath hitched in her throat. "God, no," she breathed. Emily hadn't been like this in such a long time that JJ barely knew how to react, so she attached her lips firmly to Emily's neck, hoping to spur her on. JJ knew instantly that it worked because Emily's began to move her hands along the blonde's body once more, her right hand remaining curled in JJ's hair, squeezing and releasing alternately.

The blonde took advantage of their position relative to each other and moved herself to be fully on top of Emily before crashing her lips roughly to the brunette's. It wasn't often that JJ took charge, especially so early on in the sex/kissing session, but JJ wanted very much to allow Emily to simply let go for once.

Once Emily realized what her wife was up to, she gasped. The brunette pulled away. "You want to do this on the couch?" she asked breathily.

JJ smirked before diving back in, kissing Emily with everything she had, only pulling away when she began to feel light-headed from oxygen deprivation. Kissing Emily was literally JJ's favorite thing to do and it occurred to her that she didn't do it enough. The brunette took advantage of JJ's moment of thought to turn them around so she was on top. Of course, there wasn't enough room on the couch for thus maneuver so they ended up on the floor. Neither women seemed to notice.

JJ ran her hands along the muscles of Emily's bare back under her shirt, deciding that it needed to come off. Before long, both women were naked and neither minded that they were on the floor. Emily still took a second to grab a pillow and place it under JJ's head; if nothing else, it brought the blonde's face closer to the brunette's. It was then that they paused for a moment.

"I love you," JJ whispered.

"I love you too," Emily whispered back, knowing the words were not enough to express how she was feeling, so she thrust one of her hands below the pillow JJ's head was resting on and pushed it up far enough for Emily to barely have to bend to meet her wife's kiss-bruised lips.

After almost an hour of frenzied foreplay, both women reached in between the other's legs at the same time. It was rare that JJ and Emily were in the mindset to pleasure each other at the same time—Emily especially preferred to be able to put all of her energy towards her wife—but it just felt right today.

It didn't take long-both women were unbearably ready for this-for JJ to make a point of whispering "together" to her soul mate, making sure that she kept a constant rhythm inside her wife.

Emily did her best to nod, and as the two locked eyes, they both came with a silent cry.

It took a few minutes for either of them to be able to talk, both of them using their remaining energy to hold each other.

It was Emily who spoke first, having a good view of the clock on the television from her position on the floor. "We should probably get ready to go out."

JJ laughed, pulling herself closer to Emily. "Not yet."

 **AN: Chapter done! Yay! I hope I've made a triumphant return. Please leave me a review!**


	16. Chapter 16

Strength and Healing

Chapter 16

 **AN: Sorry once again for the long wait! Life's been pretty hectic, but I promise I won't abandon this story. Just be patient with me! On with chapter 16! I just want to add a little advertisement here. The musical that Annie and JJ go to see, RENT, is one of my very favorites. It's a beautiful story with some breathtaking music.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Jen, your mom is here!"

"Coming!" JJ called back down the stairs.

The sound of footsteps could be heard immediately and it wasn't long before JJ appeared. "Mommy!" she squealed with a light laugh before launching herself into Annie's arms.

Annie laughed and returned her daughter's hug before saying, "My goodness, darling, we saw each other a few days ago for Christmas. You're acting like it's been years!"

JJ giggled. "Well, it _has_ been years since we've seen a musical together." The blonde pulled out of the hug and turned to her wife. "Is Derek picking you up or is he meeting you somewhere?"

"He's gonna pick me up because he wants me to get drunk," Emily laughed, rolling her eyes.

"Well, as long as you stay safe, do whatever makes you happy," Annie reminded, JJ agreeing with a vigorous nod. "Jenny, we should probably get going if we want to make it to the theatre on time."

JJ nodded in understanding before placing a kiss to her wife's lips. "See you later, Em. Have fun. I love you."

Emily kissed her once more. "Ditto."

Both Jareau women waved goodbye to Emily once more before heading out into the cold December night. Once they got in the car, Annie dug in. "So, how are you?"

"Same as I was on Christmas," JJ replied. "Very, very okay," she stressed before laughing. "Jesus, you're worse than Emily."

"I'm your mother. Of course I am." Annie winked at her daughter playfully before pulling out of the driveway.

"So, what's going on with you, Mom?" JJ asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Not much," she replied. "Been spending a lot of time with the girls at the community center." Annie referred to her friends as 'the girls'.

"It was really nice of Susan to give you these tickets," JJ commented.

"Well, you know," Annie said nonchalantly, fidgeting slightly as she stopped at a red light, "most women of my generation aren't too keen on seeing a musical like RENT."

JJ was confused for a moment. "Wait a minute, what's wrong with-?" JJ cut herself off. "Mom, is Susan a _homophobe_?"

"What? No! Of course not!" Annie defended herself. "I mean, she voted for Obama—twice."

"Yes, mom, because every Democrat loves gay people." JJ was frustrated.

Annie began driving again as she continued her defense. "C'mon, darling, you have to know I would never be friends with someone like that. Especially not after everything that's happened." Annie was slightly offended that JJ would even think for a moment that she would spend time with someone who in any way wished ill will on her only child.

JJ sighed. "Does she know you have a gay daughter?"

Annie nodded. "Of course."

"Okay," JJ nodded.

"She did know immediately though. As soon as I introduced myself as Annie Jareau, she asked if you were my daughter."

"Cause my name was all over the news."

As Annie stopped once again, she turned to look at JJ. "For what it's worth, I would have told her."

"I know, Mom. I'm sorry. I just…after last year…I'm just a little paranoid about it now."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, my sweet girl. And if it makes you feel any better, Susan gave me the tickets because she doesn't like musicals at all…and the drugs. But she did not once mention not liking the fact that some of the characters aren't straight."

"That's good. I was gonna make you invite her to our house for dinner, so we could set her straight, no pun intended."

Both women laughed, and just light that, the light mood in the car was restored.

* * *

Meanwhile, Emily and Morgan arrived at the bar the BAU frequented.

After they sat and ordered drinks and snacks, Morgan asked, "So, what are things like on the home front?"

"Pretty good," Emily replied, not being able to stop the smile that graced her usually stubborn features.

Morgan knew that smile. "You got laid recently, didn't you?"

Emily blushed scarlet, which was uncharacteristic for her. She didn't normally get embarrassed about this kind of conversation. All she could do was nod.

"Well, I'm happy for both of you," Morgan beamed. "You guys deserve to move past everything that's happened in the last year."

Emily thought for a moment. "I think…I think Erin needed to die."

"Huh?"

"It's just…those first twelve months, there was something holding Jen back from healing. I didn't know what it was and to be honest, even now, I don't think I know everything, but over the past few weeks, she's really opened up about what happened in that basement. And I think Erin's suicide was the catalyst for that."

"Well, if good can come from death…."

"Yeah." Emily sighed. "This month has been crazy though. So much has happened. And we're going to the first meeting of Sarah Vaughn's support group tomorrow night. We wanted to invite you and Penelope."

"Maybe next month, Prentiss. You feel it out first and let us know."

Emily could tell that Derek wasn't ready, and that was okay, so she changed the subject. "JJ hasn't been woken up by any nightmares since right after Thanksgiving. Now that she's really dealing with her issues, I guess her brain doesn't need to deal with them while she's unconscious. Things are looking up on the home front."

As Emily finished, their drinks arrived. Derek raised his glass. "To the Prentisses, and the future that awaits them."

* * *

Across town, JJ and Annie exited the theatre, JJ still frantically wiping away tears. "That musical never fails to make me cry." She laughed at herself lightly.

"Theatre creates a very intense catharsis, doesn't it?" Annie pondered, linking her arm with her daughter as they began the trek to where Annie's car was parked.

JJ nodded. "I needed that," the blonde admitted, still wiping stray tears.

"Long day?" Annie asked.

"Not really," JJ shrugged. "Intense day."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Annie asked, making it pretty clear that 'no' was a completely valid and possible response.

"Emily and I had sex—spontaneous sex—for the first time in over a year today." The statement was delivered while JJ stared at the ground. She had progressed very much from where she was when she first met Emily when it came to sex, but conversations about it still made her uncomfortable.

"That's…significant. But I don't see how it's bad…." Annie often had a hard time getting into her daughter's head. In so many ways, they were like identical twins, but in just as many ways they were complete opposites.

"It's not bad. Not at all. It's really great actually," JJ explained, still sniffling a little. "It's just really overwhelming. And it came as a result of lots of other overwhelming stuff."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I think Emily's possessed you, Mom." JJ yelled rather softly, "Get out of my mother!" into Annie's ear and both women laughed.

After a few more seconds of laughing, JJ sobered. "After what happened with Erin, Em and I had a pretty intense conversation about Shaffer and what happened during and after my abduction. I told her some pretty important stuff I'd been hiding. I mean, she doesn't know all the details. Should she?"

Annie unlinked her arm from her daughter's before wrapping it tightly around her shoulders. "Honey, your experience is yours alone, and what you share of it is completely up to you. Now, I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me, and I'm willing to bet that Emily feels the same way. I'm not saying you need to tell her everything. And I don't think she wants you to, especially if you don't want to. I just think she worries that you're hiding something because you're ashamed."

"You're right, Mom," JJ admitted. "Thanks."

"I'm always right," the redhead smirked. "And you're very welcome," she said as they walked into the parking garage. "Now, what do you say we get some food and then I bring you home to your wife?"

JJ smiled and nodded.

* * *

"You really won't have any more than two beers?" Morgan pressed.

"I cannot get drunk, Derek, you know that!" Emily was frustrated that her partner and friend did not seem to understand why she couldn't return home inebriated.

"C'mon, Prentiss, you _just_ told me that JJ is fine. You know she'd want you to let loose a little."

"I'm sorry, Derek, I still think it's too soon to know for sure that this isn't a one-step-forward, two-steps-back, kind of deal. What would you do if it were Penelope?"

Morgan nodded. "You're right, Princess. I'm sorry."

Emily's phone buzzed. "It's totally fine. I just have to make sure I can be completely there for Jennifer if something happens," she explained as she opened her text message.

"JJ?" Morgan asked.

Emily nodded. "She said they had a fun time and a good chat and now they're on their way home."

"Do you wanna go?" Morgan asked.

Emily shook her head. "I'll stay for another half hour or so."

Derek laughed. "Ooh! You _are_ letting loose!"

Emily playfully punched her friend. "Shut up, Derek."

 **AN: I hope there was an appropriate amount of fluff and other stuff! Let me know what you think! Next chapter will be the support group meeting.**


	17. Chapter 17

Strength and Healing

Chapter 17

 **AN: Here is chapter 17! It's the support group meeting, with an intense flashback. Next chapter, I will skip through some time. Hope you all enjoy! Also, there is going to be some crazy stuff happening on Criminal Minds in the next few weeks, so let's make sure we all get along and stick together, okay? Okay!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

 _"Can I ask you a question, Em?" JJ asked, breaking the peaceful silence that had settled around them._

 _"Sure." The brunette was concerned about the tone of her wife's voice. She seemed perfectly fine a minute ago, the umpteenth time Emily had asked her if she was okay. Because it was their fifth wedding anniversary and JJ and Emily and just had sex for the first time since the blonde's abduction, the profiler had appropriate reason to be worried. "You okay?"_

 _JJ nodded her head the best she could while maintaining its position on her wife's shoulder. "Yeah, I'm okay."_

 _The woman tried to calm herself so she didn't get JJ any more worked up than she already was. Both women tended to overreact to the other's concerns. "So, what's up?" Emily asked, strategically moving some hair out of JJ's face so she could see her soulful eyes—the blonde's real messengers of truth._

 _"Um…I was wondering…"_

 _Emily braced herself inwardly. 'Um, I was wondering' was a classic JJ attempt to downplay a concern that she wanted to treat as unimportant so as not to alarm her wife. And if that didn't tell Emily enough, the younger woman stopped herself after the utterance of the phrase, obviously trying to alter her word choice to cater to Emily's worries._

 _The brunette, noticing JJ's line of sight had dropped, gingerly lifted her wife's chin so that both worrying pairs of eyes met naturally. "What's going on, Jennifer?" she asked softly, but firmly to make sure JJ focused on her thoughts._

 _JJ took a rather large breath in, preparing for a jumbled rant consisting of panicked rambling. "I'm sorry, I don't wanna ruin tonight, but—"_

 _Emily began to think she had an idea of what path they were going down, and a preemptive strike was in order. "Jen, sweetheart, stop."_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _The brunette wiped a tear that threatened to fall. "Stop," she stressed gently. Emily sat up, bringing JJ with her and wrapping blankets around both of them. Emily sat cross-legged on the bed and gestured for her wife to follow suit. The brunette took both of JJ's hands and held them in her lap, completing their usual position for talks like these. "I need you to stop apologizing and tell me what's freaking you out. Do you think you can do that?"_

 _JJ nodded shakily. "I'm so—" She cut herself off and sighed. "There's a question that I haven't been able to get out of my head for a long time, and you can answer it now, so I wanted to ask it, but it's stupid and it's awkward and it's gonna ruin everything."_

 _"Baby, if it will bring you some peace, it's not stupid." Emily squeezed both of JJ's hands tightly. "C'mon, talk to me. I promise you're not gonna ruin_ anything. _"_

 _"But I came so far and this is going to set me back…."_

 _Emily shook her head. "Not if we can address a fear that you have. We're not getting anywhere doing this back and forth, my love. Please, baby, just ask the question." Emily didn't have any idea of what the question could be. Well, that wasn't completely true—JJ's concerns often followed a particular trend—but the blonde's question could encompass one of so many sex-related issues and the anticipation was driving Emily crazy. As always, all she wanted to do was help her wife, but JJ, also as usual, was making it difficult. Though Emily wanted her wife to respond immediately, she was willing to wait to hear her voice forever, so she waited patiently as JJ battled with herself._

 _"I—promise you won't get mad."_

 _Emily released JJ's hands so she could cradle her face. "I can't promise that what you say won't upset me. But I can promise what matters. I promise that I will not get angry_ at you _—you haven't done anything wrong." She released her wife's face after a moment, pausing to wipe a few tears. "It's okay."_

 _JJ knew all the things her wife was telling her already. But knowing and believing were two completely different things. "Okay." The blonde licked her dry lips, stalling for as long as possible. "I wanted to ask…" Emily nodded in encouragement, reclaiming her wife's hands in hers. "Do I…" Her voice cracked. "Do I_ feel _any different?"_

 _"I…" Emily stammered. "I'm not quite sure I understand your question."_

 _Though she had not relaxed completely, Emily's calm response had quelled JJ's fears somewhat, mostly because Emily's eyes gave away the fact that she did actually understand JJ's question and was just offering a chance to clarify or reword, hoping her understanding of the question was incorrect._

 _"I…can you tell? What happened to me, I mean…. Do I feel different?"_

* * *

JJ and Emily were the first to arrive to Sarah Vaughn's support group meeting the following afternoon.

"Agents, it good to see you," Sarah greeted reaching out a hand to shake.

JJ deflected the motion and opted to wrap her arms around the younger woman, who was a surprised but not unwelcoming recipient. "Please, nothing formal here. We're just Emily and Jennifer, okay?"

Sarah nodded and allowed herself to be enveloped in Emily's hug next. "Is Jason here?" the brunette asked. "Em talked to him on the phone a little bit the other day."

"Yeah," Sarah replied. "He went to pick up refreshments for all of us. Why don't you guys have a seat? We'll start in about ten minutes. Sound good?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome."

The two agents sat in two adjacent chairs and chatted leisurely as a few other couples entered the community center, including Amanda and Brain who waved politely.

"You nervous about this?" Emily asked after a few minutes.

JJ laughed. "Not as nervous as you."

Emily huffed. "I am not nervous!"

"Yeah, and I'm not the best shot on the team," JJ teased. "C'mon, sweetie, it's okay. You don't always have to be the strong one. You've never talked about being with a survivor to other people who understand before. It's understandably nerve-wracking. "

Emily nodded. "Okay, so maybe I'm feeling a little nervous…a little terrified…a little like I shouldn't be here."

"What?" JJ was shocked. They had talked this over multiple times over the past few weeks and Emily seemed to be completely, one hundred percent on-board. What had changed? "Why? This is as much for you as it is for me, Emily. If you don't want to be here, we can go."

"No, I mean…" Emily paused to form words in her mind. "I feel like I don't deserve a support group. You and the other survivors deserve a safe space to talk, but all I did was support you and love you. I haven't been through all that much."

JJ turned her chair around so it was completely facing her wife's. "Emily, the fact that you don't think what you've done for me isn't 'all that much' is one of the reasons I love you so much. Do you know how many rape survivors' partners leave them? Like…a lot. What you have done is no small thing. And you deserve a safe space to talk about it too. I'm sure other people here will have the same concerns, so I'm going to ask that we stay for the first meeting. After that, if you're still uncomfortable, we can talk about not coming back, okay?"

Emily nodded and shook her head, getting herself together. "That was a pretty good pep talk," she observed, lightening the mood in preparation for what would surely be an intense evening.

"Well, I had a pretty good teacher," JJ smiled, rubbing the pad of her thumb over her wife's cheek.

Emily placed her hand over JJ's for a moment before they intertwined their fingers and straightened out their chairs, placing the joined hands in Emily's lap.

* * *

 _Emily didn't respond, not because she didn't know the answer to JJ's question, but because her word choice was very important here. She knew she needed a little more information to adequately handle the situation, like where in JJ's mind the question came from._

 _JJ spoke before Emily could, thinking she needed to be more specific. "Like…do I feel like someone else has touched me?"_

" _Why…why would you think that?"_

" _Because someone else_ has _touched me? Because I may physically look or feel different? Because of my scars…? Because of everything…."_

 _Emily picked a place to start and dove in. "Okay, so the simple answer is no. Absolutely not."_

 _JJ opened her mouth to interrupt but Emily cut her off. She knew her wife would try to argue with her answer. "Let me explain. I need you, for a moment, to ignore the physical component of this question, okay?" Emily waited for a hesitant nod and then continued. "On a purely spiritual, emotional-whatever you want to call it—level, I_ am _the only person who has ever touched you. Can we agree on that?"_

 _JJ didn't want to agree because she didn't completely buy Emily's argument, but she knew rationally that if they were discussing any other person's situation, the blonde would agree wholeheartedly, and it didn't seem right to have different standards for herself, so she nodded, just barely. Emily accepted the affirmation._

" _Okay," Emily breathed, momentarily releasing JJ's hands to readjust herself into a position where it was easier to maintain as much contact as possible with the blonde—she made sure their knees touched and their foreheads were inches apart. "So, let's talk about why the physical differences don't matter—because they don't._

" _What you have been through…I'm not going to say that it doesn't change things. But what it won't ever change is how you make me feel. You are my home…and nothing…and I mean_ nothing _could ever change that. You are my world, Jennifer. My soul mate, my best friend. And that is as true as it was a year ago, if not, maybe more so. Being with you gets better every time. And I think that's because our bond has gotten stronger over the years. Your scars do not define you. This-" Emily placed their joined hands over JJ's heart "—is what defines you. This. Is who you are. Why I love you. Your heart, your mind, your strength, your passion. Yes, your exquisite face and delicious body initially attracted me to you, but…." Both women chuckled tearfully for a moment. "Being your friend those first two years, I got to fall in love with the most loving, generous person on this planet. Your body—just a plus. And I happen to think you are extraordinarily beautiful and perfect from your head to your toes. And that includes each one of your scars. Which is why I will make it my mission to kiss each physical scar whenever I can. Because those scars are a part of you. And I love_ every _part of you."_

 _JJ closed the distance between them so that their foreheads touched. "Do you follow me?" Emily asked softly after a moment._

" _I love you too." The blonde nodded. "And you're right. Technically, other people have touched me, and as much I hate that I can't change that, I can find peace in the fact that you're the only one who's ever touched my soul."_

* * *

"Hi, everybody! We're so happy you're all here. I thought we could start with introductions. Just tell us your first name and your partner's first name. I do ask that the survivors in the group do the introducing. Does that sound okay to everyone?"

Each member of the five additional couples nodded. "Alright. Awesome. So, I'll start. My name is Sarah and this is my fiancé, Jason. We've been together for about five years."

Sarah turned to the couple sitting to her right, and the man began talking. "Hi, everyone. I'm Adam and this is my husband, Stephen. We've been together for fourteen years, married for two."

"Thank you for being here, gentlemen. And who do we have next to you?"

"Hi, I'm Rebecca and this is my boyfriend, Gabe. We've been dating for three years."

Next in line were the Prentisses. "Hi there. I'm Jennifer and this is my wife, Emily. We've been together for almost ten years."

"Hey, I'm Peter and this is my wife, Lauren. We've been together for eleven years."

Last was the couple sitting on the other side of Jason and Sarah, Amanda and Brian. "Hello everyone. My name is Amanda, or you can call me Mandy. This is my husband, Brian. We've been together for a little over five years."

"Thank you all for being here," Sarah greeted. "This is really important to me and Jason and we have lots of plans for this group. Right now, we plan on meeting on the last Sunday of every month at four o'clock. Does that sound good to everyone?"

A chorus of yeses and nods were sent Sarah's way. "Awesome. So, I'm gonna go ahead and ask Jason to pick it up from here."

"So, I want to talk about clichés for a moment here. As I'm looking around the room at all of your beautiful faces, I see the faces of survivors everywhere. We have different types of couples, different types of survivors—people we wouldn't expect. I'm a social worker, so I see the reality of the situation, but a lot of people in the world don't believe that men get assaulted or that a woman can be assaulted by another woman. Obviously, the proof to the contrary is in this room today. I don't know the specifics of any of your situations. I've been able to speak with Jennifer and Emily briefly as well as Peter and Lauren, and I want to say to each of you here today that I'm proud of you. And I believe you. You are all very brave to be here today, and we're all going to be brave together and help each other, okay?"

Once each couple had responded, Jason continued. "So, in the spirit of doing just that, we're going to establish some ground rules to make sure everyone feels comfortable and safe in this space. Does anyone have a rule to share that would be necessary for us?"

As the rules were set and everyone spoke a little about themselves, Emily suddenly realized that she did in fact belong there. This was a room filled with people of different genders, races, ages, sexualities, what have you, but they were united in the fact that they had all been affected in some way by a powerful, effective, and devastating form of violence. Though they were all different, they were also all the same. And JJ and Emily went home that day confident in the knowledge that they'd be back on the last Sunday of January.

 **AN: So that was a packed chapter! Please let me know what you thought. Reviews are slowing down a little and I hope I'm not losing anybody. Let me know if you want me to change something or if you have any ideas. Thanks guys!**


	18. Chapter 18

Strength and Healing

Chapter 18

 **AN: Here is chapter 18! We're moving into the next major plotline here. Hope you like this chapter and keep reviewing, following, favoriting. Thank you for all the amazing reviews I got on the last chapter—please keep it up. I got two suggestions from a guest, one I'm using in this chapter and one I'll use soon, so if you have any ideas, please let me know because I will use them the best I can. Here goes!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

JJ's birthday was Valentine's Day, something most people who knew her had teased her about since she was a teenager. It fit her so well—the unapologetic sap born on the sappiest day of the year. Not that Emily wasn't soft in that regard, she just preferred to reserve that aspect of herself for her wife. JJ, however, gave all her love to the world, though her sappiness was always at its highest level when she was with Emily.

Late February marked the year anniversary of the first time JJ had attempted to rejoin the BAU in solving cases after her abduction, and being the sentimental person she was, the date weighed heavily on her mind.

Though it marked her thirty-sixth birthday, February fourteenth was a day like any other. Well, for the most part. It began with Emily's romantic gesture of breakfast in bed—blueberry pancakes, as usual.

When Emily walked into their bedroom, JJ was still asleep so the older woman placed the tray of food on the bedside table before gently climbing onto the bed and wrapping her arms around her wife. The blonde unconsciously moved closer to Emily, and with a small sigh returned to her previous sleeping state.

The brunette chuckled lightly. "Jennifer," she cooed gently after a moment. The blonde shifted slightly but became still again after a few seconds. "It's almost noon, sweetie, are you hungry?"

JJ's eyes snapped open. Yes. Yes, she was hungry. It had been a while since she had eaten because her early birthday present to herself was all day nap time with Emily. Not that Emily hadn't enjoyed it as well….

"Well, hello there, my lovely," Emily laughed. "I made you breakfast, birthday girl."

"Pancakes?" she asked, cuddling closer to her wife.

The brunette giggled. "Always."

JJ lifted her head just barely enough to kiss Emily. "Thank you, baby."

"Mhm." Emily reached for the tray of food as JJ sat up reluctantly. "Happy birthday…and Valentine's Day," the brunette spoke lovingly as she handing JJ her food.

"Happy Valentine's Day to you," JJ replied. "Is this all for me?"

Emily nodded. "I ate before I brought this up."

"Have you been up for long?" JJ asked, digging into her food.

"Just long enough to make breakfast," Emily reassured her worrying wife. Both women had a tendency to worry about the other's sleep patterns, but not without reason. "Is it good?"

JJ nodded. "As always."

The two sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes…until Emily's phone rang. She groaned. "It's Hotch."

JJ put her tray on the floor next the bed and sat up straighter. "You have to answer it, Em," she observed.

"I know," Emily sighed.

Both women knew they had a case. If he was calling to wish JJ a happy birthday, he would have called on the blonde's phone.

"This is Prentiss."

"Hey, Prentiss. Listen, I'm sorry to bother you guys today but we have a pretty urgent case in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. We need to get there ASAP so we're going to brief on the jet. How soon can you guys be here?"

Emily looked at her wife apologetically. Whenever they were getting to a point of normalness, something came to get in the way. JJ's birthday was a very important milestone, even more important than a normal day, which were already important in a day by day healing situation. At least, for the Prentisses, being interrupted on Valentine's Day for a case was the normal they had become used to. "Yeah, Hotch, we can be there in less than an hour."

"Thank you, Emily. Tell JJ happy birthday for me," Hotch said, knowing the woman on the other end of the phone was upset.

"I will, but you can tell her yourself in about an hour, Hotch. See you then."

Emily hung up and sighed. "I am so, so sorry, Jen. I wanted this day to be special for you."

JJ crawled onto her lap with a small smile. "Em, please don't feel bad. We can celebrate when we get back. Where are we going by the way?

"Oklahoma."

"How romantic," JJ said sarcastically. "The buckle of the bible belt."

"We'll live," Emily laughed, standing up to put on clothing and JJ followed suit after a moment.

"Someone really needs to tell serial killers to take off on my birthday."

* * *

 _"Do you guys have plans for tonight?"_

 _"Yeah, Penelope," Emily replied._

 _"You're not telling me everything, Prentiss!" Garcia wasn't a profiler but she could read her clan of superheroes better than everyone. "C'mon, spit it out. What are you hiding?"_

 _"I…I think…."_

 _"You think what?" Penelope twirled the chair in her lair as Emily leaned against her desk. The combo day of JJ's birthday and Valentine's Day had sent the brunette into a tizzy. They had been together for other birthdays but something felt different about this one to Emily, and when she realized what it was, she prepared herself to act._

 _"I'm pretty sure that I'm going to propose to Jennifer tonight."_

 _"Aah!" The reaction had split the bullpen. Anderson had barged in to make sure the two members of BAU's A-Team were alright. Once he had left, Emily had laughed at the eccentric women's reaction, though she was still a little embarrassed and more than a little nervous. "Emily, do you have a plan?_

 _"Yes, I have a plan, Penelope. It starts with Chinese takeout and ends with...stuff."_

 _Garcia laughed. "Chinese takeout because that's what you guys had you finally admitted your feelings for each other?"_

 _"Did Jen tell you that?" Emily was a little confused because JJ was not one to willingly share details like that._

 _"I got it out of her." The tech analyst shrugged._

 _Emily shook her head. "You're crazy, Garcie."_

 _"Which is why you love me."_

 _Emily teasingly threw her a kiss. "Okay, I got to go pick up the ring. If Jen asks where I went, tell her I'm on a consult. Wish me luck!"_

 _JJ suspected Emily was up to no good. Firstly, she was jumpy that morning—Emily wasn't a jumpy person, nor was she usually a nervous person. Then, around lunchtime she left on a consult by herself to an undisclosed location. Emily never left the BAU without JJ before telling her exactly where she was going and when she'd be back. It was all a part of her mission to keep JJ feeling secure in their relationship, a mission Emily took very seriously. It all smelled very fishy to the blonde._

 _So, when Emily took the carton of Lo Mein out of her hands and led her into the bedroom (which had been forbidden to her all day), JJ began to freak out a little. Emily remained calm in all situations, calculated, objective. It worked for her during cases. But the brunette's hand, clasped tightly around her girlfriend's, was shaky and sweaty and JJ didn't like the uncertainty. The brunette's steadfastness balanced out JJ's flighty emotions perfectly and both of them falling victim to their emotions at the same time created an extreme, yet beautiful, atmosphere._

 _"Emily?" JJ was the first to speak. Not allowing herself to truly believe what was happening was real, she searched Emily's eyes for an answer. The brunette just smiled in return as the two entered the bedroom. There were tea lights (for safety's sake) placed around the dimly lit room, as well as a heart made of roses on the bed. "Emily." This time it wasn't a question, but a recognition of the beauty of the moment and the love in the room._

 _"Jennifer," the brunette uttered in response, as if testing the word on her tongue, letting the sound settle in the air, checking to make sure the blonde's name was hers to say._

 _Emily took both of her girlfriend's hands and rested their foreheads together. "I love you," she whispered, fearing the effect her emotions would have on her voice if she added any volume to the statement._

 _JJ nodded against Emily's head, absorbing the words, trying her hardest to believe they were the truth. Today it wasn't hard to do, which the blonde was thankful for. "I love you too," the woman whispered in return._

 _The two absorbed the power in their silence for several minutes, reveling in their connection, knowing that no words were needed. Until they were. "Jen, can you sit down? There are some things I want to tell you if that's okay."_

 _JJ's heart instantly began pounding in her chest. Was this really happening? The blonde sat amongst the roses, careful not the deserve them, and then nodded to her girlfriend, knowing she was waiting for permission to continue._

 _"February fourteenth has become my favorite day," the brunette began. "Celebrating you twofold—that's pretty great. But I feel like more than that, today has been about celebrating us. And that's a lot to celebrate." JJ nodded in agreement, struggling to keep herself together. Emily's speech was important and JJ was determined to listen. "Five years ago, I walked into the bullpen for the first time. A new job. No. A new life. The day I met you was the day my life truly began. It sounds dramatic, but it's true." It didn't sound dramatic to JJ. She agreed whole-heartedly. "Being your friend was amazing, but being your girlfriend has been incredible. I can't imagine what being your wife will be like." The word 'wife' coming from Emily's lips awoke a dormant fire in her. Wife. She would be Emily's wife. JJ could hardly handle the intensity. "Before I get to that, though, I just want to say one more thing. Both of us have been through things that have made it hard to acknowledge our feelings. It's why it took us so long in the beginning. And you especially have been through so much." Emily couldn't help the tear that trailed down her face at the thought. JJ quickly wiped it away. "Which is why I am making it my mission to convince you that you are worthy of an unfathomable amount of love. I want to give you that amount of love. I don't know if I can, but I promise to spend my whole life trying." Emily squeezed JJ's hands once more before releasing them to take the small ring box from her pocket and knelt. It felt a little silly for her to be taking on such a masculine role, but she knew JJ would never feel comfortable proposing—she didn't believe anyone would ever say yes to her. This was a duty Emily was honored to perform. "Jennifer Jareau, I love you more and more every day. My love for you reaches beyond all the stars and all the galaxies in this universe. Would you do me the extraordinary honor of becoming my wife?"_

 _There it was again. That word._ Wife _. JJ's emotional response to that word made her answer abundantly clear. Though she wasn't exactly sure_ how _to answer. As she looked down at her future wife waiting expectantly, she knew she needed to remember how to say the word "yes."_

 _What eventually escaped her lips was a barely audible, "of course," before the blonde threw herself into her girlfriend's arms and held on for dear life. There was no doubt about it. She was home._

* * *

"Any chance we could be done with case by tonight?" A frustrated Morgan wondered as he entered the jet with Garcia on his heels.

Rossi was also upset. He had his first chance to spend time with Strauss in a while and now she was in the BAU building running paper work and he was about to fly to Oklahoma.

Hotch and Reid were welcoming the distraction from the lonely day.

As Morgan and Garcia sat down, Hotch began to speak about the case. "Okay, so we have three dead little girls in Oklahoma. Garcia, can you brief?"

"Okay, crime fighters, it's a bad one. Missy Landers, eight-years-old. Emma Sue Wright, nine-years-old. Tiffany Pitts, six-years-old. All wards of the state. Found dead less than twelve hours after they went missing."

Emily sighed. Hotch was right. This was going to be a bad one.

 **AN: Important case! Tell me what you thought!**


	19. Chapter 19

Strength and Healing

Chapter 19

 **AN: Here is chapter 19, the continuation of the case. Thank you all for the continuing support. Got a couple of new follows and favorites. Glad you guys have hopped on the bandwagon! ;) Hope you enjoy it!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"What do we know about this guy's M.O?" JJ asked after a moment. Besides the actual arrest, the initial victimology and profiling was always the hardest for her and she wanted to get the necessary conversation out of the way.

Morgan decided to begin the chorus of observations. "The victims are all pre-pubescent girls, ages six, eight, and nine."

"But there are no signs of sexual assault on any of the girls. The same gender and age range would point to some sort of sexual motivation here," JJ thought aloud.

"Maybe it's the kill that gets him off?" Spencer wondered, looking at the file in front of him. "Manual strangulation usually indicates rage though….But there's no overkill, so it could just be the most convenient way to kill his victims. I don't think we have enough information here to make an accurate assessment. We'll have to talk to the M.E."

Hotch nodded in agreement. "Let's continue with victimology."

Emily added, "They're all in the foster care system—a hunting ground that's very low risk to him. There won't be grieving families giving motivation to law enforcement to find him."

Rossi agreed. "Our guy is probably power hungry, and he's giving himself the illusion of power by killing these kids. But these kids are already much weaker than him—not only are they kids, they're kids without families. This guy is fooling himself. He's trying to convince himself he's not a coward."

As they felt the jet lift off, Hotch gave assignments. "Dave, you and Reid work victimology at the station. Get Garcia working on connections—home placements, social workers, etc. Morgan, you and I will go check out the disposal sites. Prentiss, JJ, will you talk to the M.E.?"

When they landed in Oklahoma, JJ and Emily were the last to exit the jet. Sensing an uneasiness around her wife, Emily held her back for a moment to talk. "What's going on?"

"Um… crazy serial killer? Three little girls? Didn't even last a whole day? Ring any bells?"

Emily was slightly amused by JJ's genuine confusion. "No. I mean, what's going on with you?"

The blonde sighed, realizing what Emily was referring to. "I don't know, I just have a really weird feeling about this guy. The last time I felt this way, I ended up in an unsub's basement. I guess I'm just a little on edge."

Emily nodded in understanding, reaching out to give her wife's arm a comforting squeeze. "I'm gonna let Hotch know, if for no other reason than to keep you comfortable enough to do your job effectively." It wasn't phrased like a question, but JJ knew she was free to ask her wife to keep this new information between the two of them. She opted to let her tell Hotch because it would be doing a great injustice to those three little girls if she wasn't completely on her game.

"Okay."

"I'm gonna ask if we can switch with Rossi and Spencer and stay at the station. Do you want to come with me?"

JJ shook her head. "I'm going to go use the bathroom if that's okay…."

Emily nodded to her wife enthusiastically and then the two women went their separate ways. JJ walked out of sight just as Emily caught up with Hotch.

JJ strode into the bathroom with a mission. She immediately turned on the sink and wet her face, taking deliberate deep breaths. She hadn't felt like this in months. It felt like the beginning stages of a panic attack, and fearing she couldn't bring herself out of this, JJ began to regret separating herself from Emily.

Because she had made much progress in the past year or so since her abduction, she knew every once in a while, she could stop a panic attack in its tracks with logic. It was a long shot, but it was worth it, considering the chain of events that would occur before Emily would come looking for her. "Let me just figure out what about this case is bothering me," she whispered to herself. The blonde had a pretty accurate intuition and she couldn't shake the feeling that this case was a lot more complicated than the team thought.

She thought and thought. What was bothering her? Finally, it hit her.

It was the victimology.

Though there was only a three year age range, Emma Sue Wright, Missy Landers, and Tiffany Pitts had striking physical differences. They were all Caucasian, as most people in the area were, but two were blonde and one was brunette. They each had a different eye color. They had different builds, different head shapes. This unsub was shaping up to be no preferential offender, but nothing about the profile suggested this. This was disheartening for JJ because it seemed the only path forward was a waiting game. And since it had only been a week since the first girl was found, she feared she wouldn't have to wait long.

JJ didn't know how right she was.

And it wasn't just these girls. It was all those kids in the foster care system. It was…Erin. And Amanda. And Tony and Francesca. And Ivana Melekov's daughter, who was sent to live with the father she'd never met—it was her only way out of the system.

Though within a few minutes, JJ had a partially formed theory, she knew it wasn't something she'd be able to put in words, especially to the police department. The blonde took out her phone and called Emily, knowing she was the only one who'd be able to follow her thought process right now.

She picked up after one ring. "Jen, you okay?"

"Where are you?" JJ asked, failing to keep her voice even.

"Are you still in the bathroom?" was the brunette's response. Her first priority was getting to her wife.

"Yeah," JJ replied.

"I'm on my way to you, Jennifer."

It didn't take but a few seconds before the blonde heard footsteps approaching and then the door opening. The brunette couldn't help the gasp that escaped her lips. JJ had taken a turn for the worse in the ten minutes since she'd seen her.

"Baby," she breathed.

The sound of her distressed wife brought JJ out of her fear-induced trance. The blonde knew that Emily's one-word statement was one of sympathy and concern, but it was also a question.

"This case," was all she could get out in way of response before she had to take a deep breath to center herself.

Emily took two large steps before she was standing next to JJ. She then wrapped her arms around her and guided her to the ground so she had no chance of falling. "Take your time, love."

"We don't have time, Emily," JJ stressed. "Another girl has probably been taken by now and I'm sitting here in the bathroom crying about the way _I_ feel."

"The rest of the team is working on the case. Garcia is looking for connections, Rossi and Spencer are on their way back from the M.E and Hotch and Derek are conferencing with local law enforcement. We're not wasting time doing this, sweetie." Emily took a moment to wipe a tear from JJ's chin before it had the chance to fall to the cold, hard tile floor of the bathroom. "I think the key to solving this case is in here." Emily gently tapped her wife's temple with her pointer finger before the dropping her hand and grasping her wife's, squeezing gently. "We're going to sit here and talk about what's going through your head until we figure it out."

"It's probably just because it's kids," JJ shook her head. "I'm overthinking it."

"I don't believe that," Emily countered, "and I don't think you do either. Talk to me."

"It's ridiculous." JJ laughed at herself. It was a bitter, humorless laugh. She was a fool to believe she could come back to this job. Every case she got through was not an indicator of her progress in healing, it was a harbinger of worse to come. "Emily, I can't stop thinking about…about…"

Emily knew this is where JJ's thoughts were going. "Is it Erin or Amanda? Or Anthony and Francesca? All of the above?"

JJ nodded. "His hunting ground—it's more than just convenience. That's what I can't get over. There's something significant there."

"I agree with you," Emily said. "So let's figure this out together." The brunette squeezed her wife's hand. "You're more important to this case than you think. The answer is in there, Jen. I think the only reason you panicked is that you don't trust your instincts."

"Well, I mean, not to get off topic, but if I did, you and I would definitely not be together. And if we were, we'd be sleeping in separate beds. Ignoring my instincts is the only way I've been able to be with you. Not so much anymore, but it's hard to break the habit."

Emily nodded. "I get it. But you are perfectly safe here with me." The brunette stood up and locked the door of the bathroom. "No one will bother us. Just you and me, love." Emily sat down in front of JJ. "Tell me what you're thinking…."

"Did Rossi and Spence find anything out at the M.E?"

"That's one of the reasons I wanted to pick your brain about this. Rossi called to tell us they were on their way back and apparently there were traces of ketamine in the toxicology reports."

"Ketamine? The anesthetic?" Emily nodded. "This case gets weirder and weirder." JJ stood up and Emily followed quickly after, prepared to catch her if she fell.

"Whoa, are you okay? Slow down. Be careful."

"I'm okay now, Em. I just need to do my job and talk to the rest of the team."

Emily could tell that JJ was pushing herself farther than she should have been. "You don't have anything to prove, Jen," Emily reassured, reaching out to grab her wife's hand as she moved to unlock the bathroom door. "If you're having a problem getting back into field work, you'd be just as useful here at the station. No one thinks you shouldn't be here."

JJ turned around to face her wife. "I can't, I _won't_ …ride a desk the rest of my life. I just won't. Could you imagine Shaffer's reaction if he find out that I wasn't a field agent anymore? That would be letting them all win, Emily."

"No, it wouldn't. The only way the people who hurt you win is if they break you. You're not broken. You just have to bend a little. Adjust."

"That's easy for you to say! How would you feel pulling desk duty while I was knocking down doors and arresting serial killers? People who would happily add to the damage already done to me? How would you feel filling out preliminary profiles all day while I faced danger after danger? I can't _just_ bend, Emily! And neither could you!" JJ covered her face for a moment, taking a deep breath to calm herself. She didn't want to be angry at Emily. In fact, she knew her anger was misdirected. It was herself she was angry at, it was herself she was fighting with right now.

"I'm sorry," she whispered after a moment, dropping her hand. The brunette kept her distance and didn't speak, knowing there was something her wife needed to voice. "You'd be dealing with this so much better than I am. It's been almost a year and a half since what happened and I don't even trust myself enough to question a profile that I don't believe is accurate."

Emily took this as her cue. She used one hand to grasp one of JJ's tightly and the other to tenderly lift her chin so their eyes met. "I have no idea how I'd react in your situation. I don't even want to think about it. But you can't…compare yourself to other people. Don't think about where someone else would be in a year and a half, think about where you were then and where you are now. Everyone heals from trauma at different rates. And you _are_ progressing. You were clear-headed enough to recognize the start of a panic attack and call me. That says a lot, sweetheart."

"I just, I need to have my job. It's one of the only sources of stability I have right now. I have no idea where I'll be even a week from now. I thought I'd always have the BAU and everyone here. I don't want to give that up."

Emily nodded. "I understand that. And you don't have to. But just like everything else, you have to go slow if you don't want to regress."

"You're right," JJ conceded after a moment. "You're right about everything. I need to _slow down_ and allow myself to return to things as I'm comfortable. And I need to trust my thoughts about cases. I just don't want anyone to think I don't know what I'm doing."

"Then how about if you have a theory you feel uncomfortable sharing with the whole team, tell me. We'll work on it together and share it with everyone together."

JJ nodded gratefully. "I like that idea. Thanks."

Emily squeezed JJ's hand. "You got it. I promise that you're valuable to this team, in whichever way you feel comfortable being a part of it. And you definitely know what you're doing. Can I do anything else for you right now?"

JJ blushed. This is how it always went. JJ slipped into an abyss she felt had no escape. She started telling herself ridiculous things about how incapable of everything she was. She was too weak. Too jumpy. Too panicky. Too scared. Too scarred. Too different than she used to be. Too damaged. Too wounded to be objective. Then Emily would come along and take those statements and destroy them all. One by one, she'd rip each insecurity to pieces with the cutting power of gentleness and love. And within minutes, it was as if JJ never had those fears to begin with. "Um…can I have a hug?"

Emily didn't hesitate before extending her arms and inviting her wife into them."Come here, you."

They remained in the embrace for almost a minute. When JJ pulled away, she thought for a moment. "I think he's an angel of mercy."

Before Emily could reply, there was a knock at the door. It was Morgan and he said something that all but proved JJ's theory. "We need you girls out here. Another kid went missing—it's a boy."

 **AN: Let me know what you think! I wanted to show the progress of the case in this chapter as well as check in with how JJ is doing at work. I hope you liked it!**


	20. Chapter 20

Strength and Healing

Chapter 20

 **AN: Here is chapter 20; wrapping up the case. I want to give a special shoutout to USCutie15, whose stories are amazing and who reviewed every chapter of both stories in this series in two days! Thanks, new friend! I hope you all like this chapter. This is some of the most detailed profiling I've done for these stories and I'm pretty proud of it. Let me know if it seems realistic to you! This is really long and detailed, but it's one of my best chapters yet, I think. Let me know! (I also want to add that what has happened on CM in the last few weeks—won't say because of spoilers—will not affect this story in any way, so nobody worry)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

None of the team voiced it aloud, but it was understood by all that Garcia had joined the team in Broken Arrow for the case because Hotch felt guilty for taking them all away from home on Valentine's Day. Serial killers didn't take holidays off and though the unit chief accepted that, he didn't have to be happy about it.

This case was turning out to be a doozy too. It wasn't often that the original profile turned out to be completely incorrect and it was throwing the whole team off, except JJ, who had pretty much known all along that the unsub they were chasing was not a pedophile or sexual sadist in any way. In fact, his intent was to do the farthest thing from harming these children. In his twisted mind, he was trying to help them. That's what an angel of mercy did.

The latest victim being male transformed JJ's hypothesis into a solid theory, and with a thirty second explanation from the blonde, the rest of the team climbed on board. And JJ was back on her game.

The profilers of the BAU along with Garcia were currently crammed in a room in the local police station. They were so close to solving this case and possibly saving Johnny Hankins, a nine-year-old ward of the state who had been living in the same group home as Emma Sue Wright. But they all knew they were running out of time.

"It's been four hours since Johnny was taken, so if we have any chance to save him," Spencer pondered, "it's gonna have to be soon. By dinner time at the latest."

JJ put down her sandwich, no longer wanting it to be an appropriate time for her to eat it. If it wasn't yet lunch time, maybe dinner time wouldn't come so fast. "Our guy is definitely going to be a former foster kid," the blonde thought aloud, "but how do we narrow it down from there?"

"I would say he's a white guy," Morgan offered, "but almost everyone in this town is. That's a forgone conclusion."

"He's sophisticated and organized enough to get in and out of these group homes without being noticed, but has the physical strength to subdue an average child. That doesn't take much, but the manual strangulation definitely does." Emily searched for a summary of this statement. "That puts him in his late thirties to forties."

"He keeps the kids somewhere for a few hours before he kills them," Rossi said. "The bodies had all been moved. He's not homeless…or he at least has some sort of abandoned building available to him."

Garcia shook her head. "There are no abandoned buildings in the immediate vicinity of the group homes."

Hotch added, "Well, a former ward of the state who's never been adopted is probably not affluent. He's probably lived in the area his whole life."

This was enough for Garcia to begin typing furiously. After a moment, she spoke. "I got forty-two guys who match that description. I need more, you guys."

"What were your geographical parameters?" Reid asked Garcia after a moment, walking to the map which adorned pins at each of the abduction and disposal sites.

"I kept it broad. State of Oklahoma."

"We need to narrow it further," Spencer instructed, drawing a circle around the abduction and disposal sites. "Broken Arrow is a suburb of Tulsa. I doubt the unsub even has a vehicle. Maybe a bike. Look how close the disposal sites are to the abduction sites. He went on foot. Start the search in a twenty mile radius, with Broken Arrow in the center and Tulsa on the edge, Garcia."

"On it, my genius." After a few moments of frenzied typing, Garcia perked up. "Narrowed it down to three. Robert Brownlee—forty-three, no car in his name, no recent credit card transactions…oh, that's because he died last week. Never mind, my heroes. Hold on, who do we have here?" Garcia spoke mostly to herself as she read. "Chris Freelander—same creds as Brownlee, except the death part, but he has a kid. Does that take him out of the running?"

Each of the agents in the room nodded, then JJ added, "Our guy wouldn't be a parent."

"Who's the last man, Garcia?" Hotch asked.

"Aha!" Garcia was almost positive she had worked her magic successfully. "Thomas Watson—not dead, no kids, but is forty-one, doesn't own a car…or a house unfortunately. I don't know how to find this guy. He has no paper trail." In an instant, the tech analyst's happiness at figuring out who the unsub was vanished. There was no way to find him.

"Targeted Media Strategy?" Morgan suggested with a shrug.

JJ shook her head. "There's no reason for us to assume Watson even has access to a TV. Any traces of a job?" the blonde asked Garcia. "He wouldn't have been able to afford an education, Penelope, so he would have a low wage job, maybe in janitorial services. He wouldn't have people skills, so nothing in food or retail."

"Uh…one sec."

Emily walked up behind Garcia to observe her search. "Check for Toms and Tommys as well. He might be using a pseudonym."

"I got a Tommy…Nostaw. He does maintenance at a local McDonald's."

"Nostaw is Watson backwards. Reid, JJ, come with me to the workplace. The rest of you stay here in case Johnny Hankins's body is found. Garcia?"

"Address sent to your phones, my heroes."

This would be the first time since her abduction that JJ went to a location without Emily and she knew Hotch had done this on purpose. It wasn't realistic to expect that they could go everywhere together forever, and the unit chief needed to know that she could handle herself alone. None of them were expecting to find Watson at the McDonald's he worked at, so Hotch figured this would be a good preliminary test for the blonde.

Though JJ was nervous about this, Emily was visibly upset. It had been only a few hours since this case had sent her wife into a complete tailspin and though the brunette wanted to have faith in JJ, Emily didn't trust that something wouldn't go wrong. This was going to happen sooner or later, Emily figured though, so might as well get it over with.

Emily subconsciously attempted to follow JJ, Hotch, and Spencer out of the police station and the blonde gave her wife a pointed look that spoke volumes: "I'll be fine."

It also meant "stop". And Emily would never continue after that.

The restaurant they were heading to would take them about ten minutes to reach. "Do you think the manager might have an address for Watson?" JJ asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Probably not," Hotch replied. "I don't think he has a residence. I'm more interested in behavioral tips that may tell us where he's holding his victims before he kills them."

JJ sighed. "Do you think we'll save Johnny?"

Spencer didn't reply. He knew the numbers didn't look good, and he couldn't bring himself to dim the light in his best friend's eyes.

After an extended silence, Hotch gave a non-answer. "We should always have hope, but we should also be prepared for the worst."

* * *

Back at the station, Prentiss, Morgan, Rossi, and Garcia, were tearing through police records, searching for anything that could help them locate Watson.

"Why did Hotch have to take Reid with him?" Morgan groaned, eyeing the stack of files he had yet to peruse.

The truth is they hadn't made much progress at all—Penelope couldn't handle the images she had to look at in the files, Morgan was too busy complaining, Emily couldn't keep her thoughts away from JJ, and Rossi had just been taken away by a phone call from Erin Strauss.

"I don't think we're going to find anything in here," Emily huffed, slamming a file down on the table. "I know lots of foster kids have arrest records, but the lack of information Penelope found suggests there won't be anything here. And nothing happens in this precinct. The detective said it himself. If it was here, we would have found it by now."

"So, where are our answers?" Morgan questioned. "There has to be some record of this guy existing? Group homes, social workers, something."

"On it, gumdrop." Garcia had been silent for the past several minutes, but the chance to help had got her fingers typing. "This is going to take a long time…" the woman sighed.

"How long?" Emily asked.

"Maybe an hour?" The tech analyst guessed. "But that's a conservative estimate."

"We don't have that kind of time, Penelope," Morgan said, each agent in the room hearing the ticking of the clock in the room—it seemingly got louder with every tick. It was almost five in the evening.

"I could narrow the search, but then we might miss something."

Emily and Derek caught each other's gaze. They didn't really have a choice. "Do it, Penelope."

* * *

At the McDonald's, the three agents entered and walked to the order space. JJ reached into her pocket and presented her badge. "I'm Agent Jareau, this is Agent Hotchner, and this is Dr. Reid. We need to speak to a manager here."

The flustered kid at the cash register pointed to a man speaking to a customer in the dining area. "His name is Richard Wheeler," he stuttered out.

Reid gave the young boy a respectful nod. "Thanks."

The three agents walked to the man, still speaking to a customer about some ketchup fiasco. "Mr. Wheeler," Hotch said. "Sorry to interrupt." He looked at the man for a moment, communicating clearly that there was a more pressing issue to discuss than a refund for a lack of ketchup of someone's hamburger. Hotch produced his badge. "We're FBI. Can we speak to you in private please?"

Wheeler looked to the angry customer once more, grateful for an out. "Excuse me," he apologized with forced politeness and then gestured for the agents to follow him into a back room. "What is this regarding, agents?"

"Do you have an employee named Tommy Nostaw?" Spencer asked.

"Uh, yeah. He takes care of our janitorial needs. Weird guy."

"Weird, how?" JJ questioned.

"I don't know," the man replied in a thick Southern accent. "He's just weird. Doesn't talk to nobody. Comes in, does his job, goes home." The man then chuckled.

"What's the laugh for?" JJ asked curiously.

"He don't have a home to go home to," the man explained.

"Do you have any address on record for Tommy?" Hotch asked.

"Uh…yeah. We need to have an address to hire somebody." Wheeler walked to his computer and pulled up the information. "Said it was his parents'."

The three agents eyed each other. Thomas Watson didn't have parents. JJ took the plunge. "Have you ever called the phone number associated with the address?"

"Nope," the man replied nonchalantly.

"So, you have no corroboration that what Nostaw told you is true?" Hotch asked skeptically, taking a picture of the address and sending it to Garcia and the rest of the team to check out.

Wheeler picked out an accusatory tone in the agent's voice. "Look, man. The guy is strange as hell, but he does his job, he's never late. That is until the last week or so. Hasn't been showing up, not even calling to make an excuse. What is this about anyway?"

"We believe Tommy's connected to the murders of multiple children in the area. We're trying to find him," JJ stated matter-of-factly.

"Y'all think Tommy murdered those little girls?"

"Yes," Spencer replied abruptly. "And now he has a little boy. Do you have any other information that could help us locate him?"

"Sorry, y'all. I don't."

The agents turned to leave. "Hey, if you find him though, will you tell him that he's fired?"

JJ couldn't stop the small chuckle that escaped her.

Hotch gave a curt nod. "Thank you for your help, sir."

The three agents began to drive back to the station, hoping the rest of the team had found something. It wasn't long before JJ's phone rang. "It's Emily, you guys," she said before answering the call and putting it on speaker. "Em, you've got me, Hotch, and Spence."

"So Garcia looked up the address that Watson claimed to be his parents'. Turns out it's the group home that Johnny and Emma Sue lived at. Pen dug some more and turns out Watson lived there for ten years, until he aged out of the system."

"Going there now," Hotch announced. "Meet us there."

"I've got a strange feeling about this place," Emily said, gesturing for Rossi and Morgan to follow her to the SUV parked out front.

And Garcia could be heard calling, "Be safe!" as they left the station.

They hooked up their ear pieces so they could speak to each other as well as Garcia on the drive to the group home. "Garcia, what's the name of the woman who runs the group home?"

"Uh, her name is Rachelle Delaney, she's been there for thirty years."

"Which means she would have been there was Tommy Watson was a boy," Reid supplied.

"We'll be there before you guys," Hotch said to Prentiss, Morgan, and Rossi. "We're going to knock on the door and talk to Rachelle Delaney, see if there are any secluded rooms Watson could be holding Johnny in."

When Hotch, JJ, and Spencer arrived, they did just that. JJ held up her badge.

"Can I help you, agents?" the frail woman asked, not surprised that the FBI had come to question her about the murder of Emma Sue Wright and the abduction of Johnny Hankins.

"Rachelle Delaney?" JJ asked.

The old woman nodded. "Is this about those kids?"

"Yes, ma'am," JJ replied. "Can we come in?" she asked, her tone of voice making it clear it was a courtesy, not a question.

"Of course. Do y'all want any water or some tea?"

"Thank you, ma'am, but we don't have time for that right now. We believe Thomas Watson may be holding Johnny Hankins somewhere in this building. Do we have permission to search the premises?" Hotch and Spencer had already begun to scan the room they were in.

The woman was flabbergasted. "Tommy? I know Tommy. He was a good boy, he wouldn't do this."

JJ didn't want to be unkind, but time was of the essence here. "Ma'am," she said a little more forcefully. "May we search this house?"

She nodded after a moment and the three agents began to search, paying careful attention to closets and closed doors. JJ arrived at a particular locked door. "Where does this lead, ma'am?"

"Oh, that's our timeout room. Though the kids have been so good lately because of how scared they are of the man who's killing foster kids, I haven't needed to use it."

JJ ignored the bile that rose in her throat as the two male agents' attention was garnered by Rachelle's answer. "Is it a basement?"

The blonde woman barely waited for a nod before smashing the wooden barrier down. Spencer eyed Hotch. This was the first time JJ had ever possessed the strength to do that. They didn't have time to profile their teammate however, so they began to follow her down the stairs.

Spencer noticed the others arrive and gestured for them to follow.

JJ, the first to reach the bottom of the stairs, did the initial scan. It was dark in the basement, but her flashlight guided her to the limp body of a little boy in the corner of the room. But before she could make a decision about how to proceed, she heard the unmistakable sound of a gun cocking by her head. She heard an angry voice next. "One move and I'll blow your brains out." The man was standing close to her, close enough that she felt his hot breath on her neck.

This was her test, JJ thought. Could she get out of this?

She felt another presence move to stand next to her stealthily. Emily. Of course.

The brunette almost growled. "Right back atcha, buddy."

This was going to be hard. The women were in positions to look at each other, but it was too dark to make eye contact. JJ, Emily, and Watson were standing too close to each other for any other member of the team to have a clear shot. JJ knew the key was to get Watson away from them.

"Tommy," the blonde breathed shakily, moving her free hand to grasp Emily's. None of the team could see it, otherwise the blonde wouldn't have made the attempt. But she knew it wouldn't be long until the closeness of this man, the sound of his voice, the feel of his breath sent her hurdling back to Shaffer's basement. Emily was her only anchor in this darkness. "We're here to thank you."

They couldn't make eye contact, but their connected hands would do. JJ's squeeze told her wife to go with it. "You helped those little girls so much." She needed to know. "Have you helped the little boy yet?"

Watson's chuckle made her flinch. "You know it."

"Really, are you sure?" JJ was trying to get Watson to walk towards Johnny.

"Don't question me!" JJ felt the butt of the gun dig into her temple.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just checking to make sure it worked. I could help if you needed me too…." She pretended to offer.

JJ began to breathe out as Watson took a proud stride towards Johnny. "Lady," he said condescendingly, "I got this. I promi—" JJ's bullet went straight through Watson's forehead. A perfect shot.

The blonde holstered her gun and ran to Johnny as someone on the team turned the light on and the rest of them descended the stairs. JJ arrived beside the pale boy and not prepared for what she would find, pressed to fingers two his carotid artery. She looked up and shook her head. "He doesn't have a pulse."

The next few hours went by in silence. JJ thwarted Emily's attempts to comfort her. She took a tip from the best and was compartmentalizing beautifully. They could deal with this when they got home, but they had to debrief, fill out reports, and endure the jet ride back to Quantico first.

As the team entered the jet, Rossi was whispering something to Hotch. "I'll talk to her later," was heard in reply, but the team ignored it.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Morgan spoke. "I can't wait to get home and actually celebrate Valentine's Day," he said, attempting to move forward.

Hotch sighed. "Sorry guys…not going home. We just got another urgent case. Does everyone have enough things in their go bags?" Everyone nodded tiredly. "Good. B team needs Garcia back in Quantico, so we'll all fly out to L.A. and then the jet will take Garcia home."

"Hotch?" Emily asked. "How bad is this case that we are needed so urgently?"

The unit chief didn't answer immediately but looked at Emily in a way that suggested that though it didn't seem possible, this case would be worse than the last.

 **AN: Jam packed chapter. Please let me know what you thought. I take each and every review into account when I write, so let me know if you want to see anything specific. How do you all like my profiling skills? Haha**


	21. Chapter 21

Strength and Healing

Chapter 21

 **AN: Here is chapter 21. For anyone who is wondering, this story is going to be much longer than the first one and there may even be a third one. So never fear—Jemily goodness will be coming your way for a long time. I hope you guys like this case and how it affects our favorite profiling team.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Three couples. Same M.O." Hotch knew he couldn't waste any time with this case, so he dove into the briefing before the team had even all sat down on the jet. "There are pictures on your tablets. John and Alicia Sanders, Ryan and Lexa Birmingham, James and Violet Clark. White, young, well-off. Each disappeared from a bar at approximately midnight one week apart. Forty-eight hours later, the men were dropped off at a hospital somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area, paralyzed."

"Permanently?" JJ asked.

Hotch shook his head. "They were injected with a neuromuscular agent repeatedly."

"Depending on the dose and type, a neuromuscular agent's affects can last several hours," Spencer explained, "but the unsub held the couples for two days, so he would need to use more than one dose."

"Are we sure the unsub is a he? If they needed to paralyze the men to subdue them, could the unsub be a woman?" asked Morgan as the jet took off.

Hotch shook his head. "The men were otherwise unharmed, physically at least. The good thing about a neuromuscular agent, if you want to call it that, is that it paralyzes the body but the victim is still completely conscious and aware."

JJ, knowing this fact all too well, picked up where Hotch left off. "So the men were able to tell local PD exactly what happened and looking at what he did to the wives, this unsub is definitely not a woman."

"So, if he didn't want to hurt the men, why did he need to paralyze them?" Rossi wondered.

JJ knew the answer. "To render them powerless. Our guy's a sexual sadist," the blonde concluded. "He wanted the men to know they couldn't stop what was happening to their wives as they were forced to watch them being tortured, raped, and murdered."

Emily continued, making hesitant eye contact with JJ. "And he didn't kill them so they would have to live with the guilt. It was their job to protect their partners and they couldn't."

That is where the conversation ended for a few painful moments. No one knew what to say in response. Not even Spencer could think of a fact or a statistic to break the silence. But what they did know is why this case was so bad. It was too close; they could all relate to it. Their figurative paralysis in the wake of JJ's abduction contributed to the time it took them to rescue her, contributed to the amount of time she was alone with Jackson Shaffer. None of them felt this guilt more than Emily.

Hotch begrudgingly conceded the fact that he would have to use that to his advantage. Emily would be necessary to solve this case; there was no way he could allow her to sit this one out and he hated it. Same with JJ. Her first-hand understanding of the effects of the neuromuscular agent used would prove useful. If he wanted to catch this guy, the BAU's unit chief knew he would have to expose his agents to the salt that would surely assault their wounds.

"Garcia," Hotch addressed the tech analyst who was flying to L.A. just to fly back to Quantico. "I have Kevin Lynch working on getting you access to your equipment in the air. He'll let you know when your systems are up, so you can work on finding connections on your way back home."

Garcia nodded silently.

"The rest of you get some rest. I have a feeling we'll be in California for a while. JJ, can I talk to you in private for a moment?"

"Um…sure." She stood up and glanced at her wife who gave her a tired shrug before following Hotch to the back of the jet. "Hotch, you don't have to worry about me being on this case. It's actually Emily that-"

"This isn't about the case, JJ."

"Oh? Is everything okay?"

Hotch sighed. "While we were in Broken Arrow, Rossi got a call from Strauss—she was forwarding a message from the Director."

"About what?" JJ asked, confused. She had no idea what this could be about and how it would pertain to her and anything about her situation, and she had no idea why Hotch needed to speak to JJ about it privately.

"About you. Apparently, it has recently come to the Director's attention that you have taken an unprecedented amount of medical leave days in the past year."

"Are you being serious about this, Hotch?"

Hotch nodded. "He's upset. Strauss seems to think his goal is to demote you to B team. And he's made it clear that standard medical leave for injuries in the field is two weeks."

JJ was speechless for a moment before she began whispering angrily, fearful that someone else, namely Emily, would hear her. "Hotch, he's talking about bruised ribs and bullet grazes. I was mutilated! I could barely walk for two weeks, let alone run or shoot. And those are just my physical injuries. I had panic attacks everyday for almost a month. Did he want me in the field then? I came back and then left again for the safety of this team and everyone we work to protect. My performance was being affected. I used good judgement and I won't apologize for that. I mean, Hotch, did he not read my file? See my injuries? My original psych eval?"

"JJ, I'm completely on your side here and when I meet with the Director about this, I will bring your file with me. I'm planning on giving him hell. I don't know how far this will go, but I wanted to give you a heads up about it before anyone comes to you."

The blonde sighed in frustration. "Hotch, this is ridiculous."

"It is," the unit chief responded. "And I'm going to do everything in my power to make this go away. I just didn't want you to hear about it from him. I'm also leaving it up to you whether the rest of the team finds out. For now, I don't think there's too much to worry about."

"Thank you, Hotch. I appreciate that."

"Of course," he replied, before guiding her back to the seating area of the jet.

Emily perked up as soon as her wife came back into view. "Is everything okay?" she whispered, not wanting to disturb everyone else who were trying to sleep.

JJ nodded, deciding not to add to Emily's distress about this case by telling her of the Director's intent to demote her. The brunette looked to Hotch for confirmation and he nodded as well.

"So, what did Hotch need to talk to you about?" Emily asked as she lifted the blanket she had covered herself with so JJ would join her on the couch.

JJ didn't want to lie to Emily, but JJ could protect her here and she wasn't going to give up that opportunity. She also wasn't about to give up the opportunity to get Emily to talk. "Just something about the case. He wanted to know if we were both okay with working it."

"Oh. Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

JJ leaned her head into Emily's shoulder and reached for her hand under the blanket. "It's okay for a case like this to affect you, Em," she reassured softly. "It affects me too. You don't have to pretend it doesn't."

JJ knew she struck a nerve because Emily didn't deny it like she usually did. She just nodded and squeezed JJ's hand. After a moment, the blonde continued. "You are my fiercest protector, Em. You make me feel so safe. Always. You have to believe that."

"I'm trying, but it's hard," Emily explained. "I really feel like I broke my promise. I promised to protect you in my vows at our wedding. Those are my most sacred promises to you, Jen. I told you I wouldn't let anyone hurt you the way Erin did again. I thought I did everything I could to keep him from getting to you. And it still happened. I couldn't stop it."

JJ nodded. "That type of helplessness is awful. It's the worst feeling in the world. I can't make that better for either of us. But you didn't _let_ him hurt me. You said it yourself. There was nothing you could have done. Just like there was nothing _I_ could have done. That's neither of our faults."

Emily, knowing there was nothing logical she could argue with, decided to change the subject. "I think Hotch is going to make me talk to the men."

"It might be easier to build rapport that way, but we could figure something else out if you don't think you can."

"No," the brunette replied, "I…I want to. I want to do everything I can to help us catch this guy."

"Okay," JJ said. "I support you completely in that. I know you don't have panic attacks the way I do, but if you start getting overwhelmed…"

"I got it. I practically wrote that speech," Emily joked, nudging JJ with her shoulder.

When they landed, Hotch assigned JJ and Emily with interviewing John, Ryan, and James. He told them not to share their story unless it was absolutely necessary, but to use their experiences to ask the right questions and interpret the answers.

The first interview was going alright until the man decided that he couldn't share any more information. In desperation, Emily made the mistake of telling John Sanders that she understand how awful what he was going through was.

His reaction was explosive but understandable. "You have no idea what it's like! For years, I told my wife that her nightmare was over, that the monster she sees in her sleep was gone, that she's safe now—and they were all lies!" The man's yells changed to tears and he collapsed upon himself in guilt. "She screamed my name over and over again, begging me to protect her, and I couldn't. It happened again. All I could do was watch her die. Now, tell me—how could you understand that?"

Emily turned to JJ and she nodded slightly. John Sanders needed to know that the brunette agent interviewing him knew too well what it was like. Emily didn't know exactly where to start, especially because she knew she was risking a homophobic reaction, or maybe the man wouldn't accept JJ's previous abuse as valid. She knew it could make this situation worse, but if they were going to catch the unsub, they had to get John taking again. "So, Agent Jareau and I are married."

John eyed the couple defensively for a moment before accepting the new information and nodding slowly.

Emily continued. "Before we met, when she was a teenager and in her early twenties, she was in three abusive relationships. These people abused her in every way you can imagine. When we got married, one of the things I promised her in my vows is that I would never let anyone hurt her again. Well, last year our team worked a serial rapist/murderer case in DC. This man was abducting successful blonde women in their thirties with untraditional lifestyles. We knew she was a potential target, so I all but put her in a bubble. Guess what still happened?"

John wasn't fully convinced. "It's still not the same. Alicia is dead. I watched her die."

"I know, John," Emily acknowledged, speaking in an intentionally soft tone. "I can't imagine…I won't pretend to understand that. What I'm trying to say is I care about this case. I want to find the monster who did this to Alicia. There isn't anyone in this precinct that wants that more than I do. Will you please answer my questions?"

John nodded. "Okay. You promise to find him?"

Emily didn't want to make a promise she didn't know if she could keep, but she knew how important this was. "I promise. But we need your help."

JJ had been listening to the exchange silently, but something occurred to her and she needed to interject. John had accidentally shared some new information with them. "John, you didn't tell us before that Alicia had been assaulted previously…."

"Um, yeah. Does that matter in your investigation?"

"It could," Emily said. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"I don't know the details. Leesh never talked about it. But it was your stereotypical back alley rape, from what I know."

"Was it ever reported?"

"No."

After a few more questions revealed nothing, the agents knew it was time to proceed with the other men. The next interviews were similar, but the similarity that proved to be the most significant was the answer to the question, "Had your wife ever been raped before?" It was "yes" both times—Lexa Birmingham's old boyfriend had assaulted her when she told him she was leaving him for Ryan and Violet Clark was drugged in a bar the night of her bachelorette party. Neither attack had been reported. So, how did the unsub find them?

Garcia searched long and hard for the connection and she finally found it, a day before the next victims were to be taken. "Okay, my superheroes, there seems to be a network of rape support chatrooms on the internet and I have all three of our victim's names on this particular one. There are a few dozen chatters on this site, but only Alicia, Lexa, and Violet ever mentioned a significant other."

"How did he know they would be at those bars though?" Morgan asked.

"You'd think they'd be more careful, but all three women announced where they spent most of their Friday nights on the thread."

"Garcia, there are no other members on that site that mention a husband or a partner?" Emily asked.

"Nope, I searched all the posts. These ladies are either all single or just don't have significant stories about their spouses."

"That means the unsub doesn't have a new couple to abduct tomorrow night," Rossi supplied.

JJ didn't hesitate. "Well, then I think we should give him one."

 **AN: Please, please tell me what you think about this and what you want to happen in this case. I am open to a variety of different outcomes and I'd like to know what my lovely readers would like to see!**


	22. Chapter 22

Strength and Healing

Chapter 22

 **AN: Here is chapter 22. Thank you all again for the wonderful reviews! I love and appreciate them all. Special thank you to those who have been with this series from the beginning—I look forward to each of your reviews every chapter. This is kind of a filler chapter to set up the action, so let me know if you have any ideas. Let me know what you think!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Hotch, do you think he'll go for us even though we're both women?"

The BAU's unit chief thought for a moment. "Your roles in his twisted scenario would have to be abundantly clear."

It was after Hotch's comment that Emily finally realized what her wife was suggesting. "Wait. What? No. Jen, are you kidding? We're not using ourselves as bait."

"Okay, well I'm sure it would work just as well with Spence or Derek."

"No," Emily let out a forceful breath. "What I'm saying is _you_ are not using yourself as bait. If the unsub somehow founds out that you're undercover, it's still real. You and I still fit the unsub's delusion perfectly. It's too dangerous."

Morgan stepped forward. "I hate to say it, Emily, but this is probably our best chance to catch him."

"Great," Emily huffed. "Is _anyone_ on my side here?" Emily saw the faces of each of her teammates remain unchanged.

"Prentiss, if you're uncomfortable with the realness of this scenario, one of us can do this in your place," Rossi suggested, gesturing to the male agents on the team.

Emily shook her head vigorously. "If Jen is putting herself in danger, she's not leaving my sight. If she's doing it, I'm doing it."

JJ felt for her wife. Everything that had happened had made this an incredibly difficult situation. But it had also made JJ and Emily the perfect way to catch their unsub. And this is why the blonde was also offended by Emily's caution. This was the nature of the job. And if JJ was about to be demoted to B Team, she needed to make this case count. Best case, she thought, the director hears of her successful plan and realizes the media liaison-turned-profiler was too valuable to let go. Worst case—well, JJ wouldn't allow herself to think that way.

JJ stepped forward in order to take hold of Emily's hand. "Em, I'm more than capable of doing this. We both are."

After Emily made an unconvincing attempt at a nod, Hotch decided it was time to make a plan. "Morgan, Dave—Lexa Birmingham's husband is still here. I need you to get a moment by moment account of what happened between the time he and his wife first made contact with the unsub and when they got to the holding place. JJ, Emily—work on a chatroom post. Look at the elements of what attracted him to the other victims. Lure him to the bar the other victims were taken from. Reid, is there some reversal drug for the neuromuscular blocking agent the unsub uses?"

"Yes, but it's only been approved for medical use…."

"You and I will pull some strings and get ahold of it. We need to be prepared. Once these things are done, go ahead and go to the hotel and get some rest. We'll meet here at six p.m tomorrow to make final plans."

The team split up and Emily and JJ got to work on their chatroom post. "Em, how close to reality should we make this?" JJ asked after staring at the computer screen for several minutes, uninspired.

"How real do you think you could make a fake story sound?" was Emily's response in the form of a question as she walked to stand behind her wife and placed her hands on each of her shoulders, squeezing lightly.

"It would probably read like a lie, especially to the unsub," JJ shrugged.

Emily pressed a lingering kiss to the top of JJ's head. "Keep it real, love," she whispered after a moment. "Just make it a little vague. We don't want him to know we're FBI."

JJ began typing, but paused after about a minute. "Em?"

The brunette, who had maintained physical contact with her wife perked up at the sound of her name. "Yeah?"

"Can I…can I ask for something?" she asked, turning her head to face her wife.

"Always."

"Can I write this on my own? And can you not read it?"

Emily was shocked. "I…I guess." The profiler shook her head roughly, shaking off the shock and hurt. "Of course, of course I won't read it. I'll go find us something to eat. Do you need anything else?"

JJ shook her head, reaching out to squeeze her wife's hand. "I'm good, thanks." The blonde knew she had hurt her wife, but the honesty that this undercover operation would require would be hindered by the younger woman's fear that something she wrote in the post would be distressing for her wife to read. She couldn't afford to censor herself here, but she still needed to protect Emily. Once the brunette had left the room, JJ resumed work on her task.

Six on Friday came too quickly. JJ's post had been read hundreds of times already and she could only hope—and dread—that the unsub had been included in that number.

"Here's the plan," Hotch began once the entire team had gathered around the table in the LAPD conference room. "JJ and Emily will arrive at the bar at around eleven p.m. Ryan Birmingham told Rossi and Morgan that the unsub lured them into the back alley behind the bar with the promise of a cigarette."

"At that point," Morgan continued, "he basically blitzed Ryan with a needle to his neck. The neuromuscular agent began to take effect in ten seconds. He was completely paralyzed within a minute. From the description Ryan gave us, the unsub is extremely strong. He carried him into his van, controlling Lexa with a threat on her husband's life."

"We definitely don't want it to get that far, but we've been successful in getting our hands on the reversal drug for the NMB the unsub uses," Spencer said, then turned his attention to Emily. "If he blitzes you, you'll need to administer the reversal within ten seconds. The problem we have is we don't know exactly how much of the drug the unsub uses and if we give you too much of the antidote, it would have extremely adverse effects. And if we don't give you enough…"

"I'll be paralyzed," Emily supplied.

"So," Spencer continued, reaching into his back and pulling out a capped syringe, "this is my estimate of what you'll need. You may be weak because it isn't a high dose, but you'll still be able to move." The genius placed the syringe in front of him on the table. "Inject it into the muscle in your neck."

Emily nodded. "What's our plan so that doesn't have to happen?" she directed at Hotch, absentmindedly rubbing her neck.

"As soon as you get to the back alley, give us the signal through your microphones. We'll be able to get to you within seconds. The reason for the reversal drug is seconds may be enough time for him to inject you with the blocker. We don't think he'll be armed, he wasn't at the other abductions. His weapon is control. I have every confidence that JJ's hand-to-hand training will suffice until we arrive."

Emily sighed. "This plan has a lot of holes in it. I'm not comfortable possibly leaving my wife defenseless."

"Again, the reason for the reversal drug. Ten seconds should be more than enough time for you to inject it, Emily," Spencer reminded her.

"But I'll still be weak, you guys. I know she's been fine lately, but we can't rule out—"

JJ was frustrated. "Emily. We're talking less than thirty seconds between the time we give the signal and the time everyone else shows up to assist us. What could an unarmed unsub do to me in _thirty seconds_?"

Emily was steadfast in her concern. "More than he could do in zero seconds."

JJ sighed. "Well, I talked about my wife in my post, but we could get another female officer to go undercover with me, right?"

The brunette's eyes grew wide. "No, I'm coming with you, Jen. I'm just trying to figure out if there's a better way to do this. A more solid plan."

"I don't think there is, Em. This is our only chance right now to protect another couple from going through this awful, terrible thing."

Emily nodded, finally conceding that this was true. But Jesus, she swore, if anything went wrong tonight, she'd never forgive her team for authorizing this.

"Go ahead and get changed for tonight," Hotch directed at JJ and Emily.

In the attempt to play along with the unsub's fantasy, Emily had chosen a powerful pantsuit with a small bag to hide her phone and the syringe she had been directed to use. The white collar of her button down adorned a small microphone for the team to use to track their progress. The blonde had decided to play with the femme stereotype. She'd selected a dress that barely covered her hips—it barely covered anything really. Emily was uncomfortable with this selection, but knew it was essential to their plan. They finished their preparations at the same time and as JJ was putting the last curl in her long blonde hair, Emily walked up behind her, catching her gaze in the mirror.

"I wish we didn't have to do this," the brunette whispered.

"I wish I didn't have to wear this dress," JJ spat jokingly to lighten the mood, though its intended effect went out the window when the blonde realized she was actually in agreement with that statement. Emily noticed JJ's smile vanish instantly. It was no secret that JJ was extremely uncomfortable with her body. She'd always been to a certain degree, but with the amount of scars that lined her forearms and thighs especially—well, it was a miracle when JJ ever revealed anything above her ankles. JJ had spoken of her scars in her chatroom post with the idea that it would make finding his prey easier for the unsub. Anyone who took more than a passing glance at her thighs would notice them, and JJ expected the unsub to take much more than a passing glance at her.

"I'd tell you that you look beautiful," Emily said softly, wrapping her arms around JJ from behind, "but I know you don't feel beautiful and I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable than you already are."

JJ smiled sadly. "I know you don't like me in skimpy clothing," she acknowledged.

"Because I know you're not comfortable in skimpy clothing." Emily paused for a minute, noting the way her wife was curled into herself, attempting to make herself as small as possible. "I hate seeing you like this. No unsub is worth this, sweetheart."

JJ shook her head. "It's not just about the unsub anymore. I told him my story. I'm the only one who can tell my story, Emily. I have to do this."

"Then, what can I do to make this easier for you?" the brunette asked desperately, her feelings of inadequacy taking over.

JJ turned in her wife's arms and lifted a hand to caress a tear-stained cheek. "I don't think there's anything you can do. But that's not your fault."

"I don't know if I'll be able to protect you tonight," Emily whispered painfully.

"You'll protect me just by being there."

Emily hadn't been this vulnerable since before JJ's abduction and the blonde couldn't decide if this was a good or bad thing.

"I'm scared."

It wasn't good or bad. It was sad. But it was Emily's reality, just like it was JJ's.

"I'm scared too."

 **AN: Some heaviness at the end. Next chapter will be action-packed! Let me know what you want to see happen. Don't forget to leave a review!**


	23. Chapter 23

Strength and Healing

Chapter 23

 **AN: Here is chapter 23, some action and some other stuff. I've been planning this chapter for weeks, so you can get the hint that it's significant. I would say it's life-changing for our girls. (I'm torturing you guys, aren't I? ;) ) Those of you who like the more vulnerable characterization of Emily will really enjoy the next few chapters. I think you'll all enjoy it though—it has stuff for everybody. Okay, enough with the teasing, here's the chapter!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

JJ and Emily arrived at the bar at about ten thirty that night. It was mere seconds before wolf whistles and catcalls were thrown in the blonde's direction, and they only intensified after Emily wrapped a protective arm around her.

"Ignore them," JJ whispered to Emily. "We're not here for them," she reminded her wife, who was already furious beyond belief.

"I'd still like to shoot them all," Emily acknowledged, bringing her wife even closer to her, almost using her own body as a shield.

JJ tried to ignore the filthy things that were being shouted at her and her wife, but she couldn't help but notice and internalize some of the nastier things. Drunk, sweaty men telling her what they'd like to _do to her._ What they'd like to _watch Emily do to her._ Emily must have heard each disgusting comment, but she turned around in response to none of them. The brunette looked straight in front of her the whole time, leading JJ to the bar in the back corner of the crowded club with purpose and speed.

Most of the men gave up when they realized they weren't going to get a reaction from the couple, which JJ, who was becoming nauseated and claustrophobic, was grateful for. But just because they'd given up speaking to the couple didn't mean they'd given up staring. In fact, once the women had sit down, the sight of JJ's scars only doubled their efforts. The bartender noticed the couple and asked for their order.

"Can we just get two glasses of water please?" Emily asked, not able to resist the urge to place a hand on one of JJ's bare thighs any longer.

JJ was looking down, focusing on the floor. "Em," she observed, "you're covering my scars." The fading lines on her thighs needed to be visible.

"I can't help it," Emily admitted. "People are staring." Emily wasn't so much embarrassed of the stares as she was afraid for JJ. The blonde was never one who enjoyed drawing attention to herself; even as the BAU's press liaison, she would compose press releases so she could get in and out of the camera's frame as quickly as possible.

They weren't undercover at all. This wasn't an act. The story JJ had told in her chatroom post was true. It wasn't the whole truth, but nothing she wrote in the post was false, down to where her and her wife would be on Friday night. JJ and Emily weren't playing characters at all, they were playing themselves. JJ and Emily and JJ and Emily. Rape survivor as rape survivor. Protective spouse as protective spouse. They were the perfect victims.

JJ was tired of being a victim.

Emily's reassuring whispers did nothing. JJ continued to stare at the floor. Eventually, Emily decided to remove her hand from its place on JJ's upper thigh. This caused JJ to look up. "Can you…can you just keep your hand somewhere…on me? I don't want to dissociate."

Emily wordlessly scooted JJ's barstool closer to her and wrapped an arm around her waist, resting the palm of her hand on her wife's hip. "This okay?" she asked.

JJ nodded. Her thoughts turned to why they were there. "What did the men say this guy looked like?"

Emily, reminded of their original mission, began to scan the large dimly lit room. "They all said it was too dark to see details, which is why they couldn't help with a police sketch, but… white, thirties, muscular was the common description between all three men."

The blonde was cold. It wasn't just a result of her lack of clothing though, it was a bitter cold that ran through her veins, from the icy tips of each finger to the frozen ventricles of her sunken heart. It was a cold she hadn't felt in over a year, a cold she prayed each night she would never feel again.

Emily leaned into JJ for a moment. "I won't let him touch you, I promise," she whispered.

* * *

" _Okay, you guys. I would like our supporters to share a word you guys think describes your role in your partner's healing process. We'll start with Brian and make our way around to Emily."_

 _Second support group meeting. Emily was going to be required to say something for the first time. She didn't pay attention to what everyone else said, even though she knew listening was an important aspect of being in this support group. She couldn't listen to words like "supporter" and "protector" when her word was nothing like it. It was JJ's voice that brought her out of her thoughts._

 _"Em? Baby, do you have a word?"_

 _Emily started straight down at her feet as she muttered the word "Inadequate."_

* * *

JJ shivered. She felt a breeze of this cold wind the same moment she saw her wife's attention shift to something behind her.

"Hello, ladies."

JJ couldn't help but jump. This voice sounded eerily familiar. The blonde shook her head, clearing the thought from her mind. Of course the voice of any man who desired to kill you would sound like this. Cold. Absolute zero.

Emily pulled JJ even closer to her and purposefully deepened her velvety voice. "Can we help you, sir?" The blonde was close enough to her wife that the intensity of the vibration of Emily's words resonated through her bones. If there was any question about whether this was an act, it was gone now.

Emily was not planning on failing her wife again.

"I just noticed you two, sitting her all solemn looking. Thought maybe we could have some fun." The man grinned suggestively, winking after a moment, his gaze wandering to the lines on JJ's legs. He reached out a hand, as if he wanted to test their legitimacy as scars. As if he was in awe. He was reverent, almost.

A combination of a snort and a growl escaped Emily's throat. She was _mad_. " _Do not touch my wife_." Again, the tone in Emily's voice sent chills down JJ's spine. She had never heard words that icy from her wife.

The man smirked. "Well, if it makes you feel better, honey, you can do all the touching."

Neither woman expected the unsub to be this forward, and it was throwing both of them. Emily stood up and walked to stand in between JJ and the man she believed to be the unsub. She didn't need to remind herself to be overly protective. Luring this monster was just a happy byproduct of doing what the brunette naturally wanted to do. "No thanks," she snarled.

"C'mon," the man drawled. "Let the lady speak for herself." He directed his attention to JJ, whose head was peeking out from being Emily's broadened shoulders. "You would like to have some fun together, darling, wouldn't you? You can tell your big scary dyke that I'm just looking to show you a good time."

JJ almost launched herself onto the man, preparing herself to manually claw his eyes out. Before the blonde could respond though, her wife took away the option. Emily pushed JJ completely behind her and held her there. She knew she needed to get this guy to take them to the alley behind the club. She took a step forward, keeping JJ's body against hers tightly. She forced herself to chuckle seductively, completely changing demeanors. "You want to take my wife home before you even offer her a cigarette? You aren't good at this at all."

The man, obviously a narcissist, was not okay with this statement. "Well, pardon me. Would you like a cigarette..uh…?"

Emily released her wife on one side, using one hand to hold her steady. She knew the unsub's words had triggered her and the panicking woman needed to get out of the stuffy bar and soon as possible.

JJ's head peeked around Emily once again. "JJ," she whispered, looking down. It gave her the appearance of being shy, but really she refused to make eye contact with this man. JJ nodded slightly.

"JJ," he said slowly, his micro-expressions giving away that he recognized the name. "I'm Justin. And you are?" he directed at the brunette.

"Emily," she spat.

With the utterance of the brunette's name, the man's victims were solidified and Emily and JJ were sure they'd found their guy.

"Well, Emily, you are more than welcome to join us," he flirted, beginning to lead JJ out of the bar.

Emily again placed herself in front of JJ, creating a barrier between Justin and JJ. "Wouldn't dream of missing it." The brunette turned around to make momentary eye contact with the blonde and give her hand a tight squeeze.

Once the two women and Justin had exited the back door of the nightclub, Emily prepared to tell Hotch that it was time to make the arrest (the unit chief had promised not to intervene until he heard something on the microphone that told him it was time), but the man said something that stopped her.

"I knew you would come."

JJ and Emily were confused. Was he talking about the chatroom post? Or did he know they would follow him out of the bar?

Justin walked around them, as if he were circling his prey. Emily and JJ made similar movements, making sure to be facing the man at all times. "I mean, LA. I knew you would come to L.A."

JJ and Emily eyed each other, and all it took was a moment of distraction from Justin to have his chance.

Justin jumped on top of Emily, forcing her to the ground and knocking the microphone out of her reach and range in the process. She managed to hold on to her bag though. It took less than five seconds for him to knock her down and inject her with the needle and all JJ could do was stand there, paralyzed with fear.

The moment she felt the prick, Emily began counting.

10

9

Emily's hand began to search inside her bag.

8

7

6

Her shaky hand made contact with the syringe.

5

4

Justin shifted his attention to the blonde woman, hyperventilating and motionless.

3

Emily knew she couldn't help her wife until she helped herself.

2

The brunette brought the syringe to her neck.

1

It took more strength than necessary, but Emily managed to shove the needle into her neck and push down the plunger.

She used all the energy she had left to move her head, to make eye contact with her wife.

Was she too late? She didn't understand. She'd given herself the reversal in time, so why couldn't she move?

Justin reached into Emily's bag and pulled out her gun. "Thanks for this," he grinned sadistically.

"This is going to be fun," he said to Emily. "You get to watch me kill your wife with your own gun. My brother would be proud."

JJ's eyes widened as Justin walked to Emily's still form and lifted her hand, shaking it as if introducing himself. "Justin Shaffer, pleased to meet ya."

 **AN: It got long, so I decided to cut it here. I kind of want to apologize, but I'm also not that sorry, haha. This is probably the biggest cliffhanger I've ever given you guys, even bigger than Erin's suicide. Next chapter will be up in a week or so. Please don't hate me.**


	24. Chapter 24

Strength and Healing

Chapter 24

 **AN: Here is chapter 24! I got ELEVEN reviews on the last chapter; that must be a record! Thank you guys so much! I might need to dangle our girls (and you guys) off a cliff more often! ;) Another jam-packed chapter is in store for you, but rest assured that this chapter doesn't end on quite such a cliffhanger as the last one.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Hotch, I'm telling you, Emily wouldn't have turned off the microphone. We're not getting sound because they're in trouble." Morgan was having an extremely difficult time getting through to the unit chief.

"Morgan, if we intervene too early, we ruin the entire arrest," Hotch argued.

The chocolate profiler scoffed. "And if we intervene too late, JJ dies. Which one is more worth the risk?"

Each member of the BAU slightly blamed themselves for what had happened to JJ and Morgan especially carried a weight of guilt. He wouldn't let it happen again, even if that meant losing his job. "Hotch, I'll get out of this van and ambush this monster myself."

Rossi and Spencer were observing quietly. The two alpha males of the BAU did not need to be interrupted while they were hashing it out. Morgan added validity to his threat by stepping out of the car and taking a step towards the gate leading to the back alley.

Hotch raised an eyebrow at his agent. It's not like he wasn't concerned about Emily and JJ, but he trusted their abilities. Maybe he was the BAU agent who had the most faith in JJ after her abduction. And maybe he gave JJ more credit than what was safe at the time, but the blonde would never have a chance to prove herself to the rest of them if he held her on as tight of a leash as the majority of the team would have liked. "Morgan, do not-"

Hotch was interrupted by the sound of a gunshot. Morgan had a head start because he was already out of the car, but Hotch, Reid, and Rossi drew their weapons as well and were steps behind Morgan as he kicked open the gate separating them from the two women. The first thing Morgan saw was an armed unsub, and being a firm believer in the "shoot first, ask questions later" policy when it came to his family, he took a kill shot within a second of laying eyes on him.

The next thing they saw was Emily lying on the ground, still. JJ stared at her, frozen, for a moment and then jumped into action.

"Get a medic here now! Call a bus!" JJ desperately ran to her unmoving wife, realizing that the placing of the bullet meant everything here.

It was a perfect shot to her chest.

Rossi, still many meters away from the female agents on his team, decided his best use here would be to call 911. "My name is Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi. We have an agent down at…."

JJ drowned out every sound except for her heart, hammering in her chest. She counted out each breath she took, kneeling down next to her wife, allowing herself to calm down to a level of anxiety acceptable to the average human being. The former media liaison couldn't believe what had happened.

She sighed in relief. The bullet had been lodged in the vest Emily had wisely decided to wear under her blouse. The force of the blow had probably broken a few of her ribs and the fall may have given her a concussion, but barring a punctured lung, the unconscious woman in front of her would be fine. Or was she conscious and only paralyzed? Or just too weak to move?

"Her breathing is fairly normal," JJ announced shakily as the men of the BAU gathered around her. The blonde reached down to tightly clasp Emily's hand in her own, not knowing if the brunette could feel it. "She couldn't move, but…she jumped in front of the bullet," JJ muttered to herself, loud enough that the rest of the team began to exchange confused looks. "He could have shot her in the head. She had no idea what he was going to do, she just took the chance, used every bit of energy she had—to protect me."

Spencer decided to state the obvious. "She loves you, JJ."

"Yeah," Morgan breathlessly agreed, kneeling down next to the woman he truly saw as his little sister, pressing two fingers to Emily's carotid artery in order to reassess her condition. "You know you would do the same for her."

A lone tear escaped one of JJ's eyes. Emily had protected her…because she couldn't protect herself. "Why would you do that?" she whispered, possibly to no one.

The response came in the form of a squeeze to her hand. It was so light, if JJ wasn't so in tune to her wife's touch, she wouldn't have felt it.

JJ gasped. "She's awake."

"The reversal must be working," Rossi guessed, having had walked over after hanging up with the 911 dispatcher.

"Why didn't you tell us it would have a delayed effect?" JJ asked Spencer.

"I didn't know that it would. The specific type of drug used and the dose play a large role in-" He cut himself off. "I'm just glad you're both okay."

JJ looked at Spencer and nodded. She didn't have the heart to be angry with him.

"JJ," Hotch said, "what exactly happened?"

It took the blonde a moment to realize she had been spoken to, her full attention being aimed at her still wife. "I'm here," she whispered into her ear before sitting up fully again and adjusting herself to have both hands on her wife. The neuromuscular blocker's affect was wearing off slowly, and Emily still hadn't opened her eyes. JJ knew that the brunette needed to rely on her other senses to tell her she was okay, that she was safe.

JJ turned to Hotch. "Um…he came up to us in the bar. Started flirting, making sexual advances. Eventually, Emily pretended to give in and we came back here. She was about to call you, but then he said…he said, 'I knew you would come to L.A.'" JJ realized she had missed the most important information. "It was Shaffer's brother."

The entire team gasped. JJ just continued. "The entire time we were trying to lure him, he was luring us. Anyway, after he said that, Em got distracted for a minute and so he jumped on top of her, knocked off her microphone, and stabbed her with the needle."

Morgan gave Hotch an "I told you so" look, not to brag, but to remind the unit chief that sometimes it's more important to protect the team than to catch the unsub.

"She gave herself the reversal in time, but she still couldn't move. He grabbed her gun, told her he was Shaffer's brother, and then told her he was going to shoot me with her gun."

"JJ, what were you doing during this time?" Hotch asked.

JJ blushed. "N-nothing. I…um…I sort of froze up…."

Hotch gave her a look that spoke volumes: "we'll talk about this later."

"JJ, I still don't understand how she jumped in front of the bullet if she was paralyzed," Morgan questioned.

JJ shrugged. "I honestly didn't see it," she admitted, giving a squeeze to Emily's hand, smiling when she weakly squeezed back. "She just leaped in front of me." She addressed Emily. "Never doubt your ability to protect me again. You defied the laws of science and you saved me today. You used some superhuman power of love or something." One of the corners of Emily's mouth lifted, her weak version of a smile. "Don't you dare ever do something like that again!"

"Her desire to save you must have been stronger than the dose Shaffer used…Shaffer two used…." Spencer wasn't quite sure what to call him.

"Justin Shaffer," JJ clarified. "We know how that profile goes," she sighed.

Before any other words could be spoken, EMS arrived. The EMTs lifted Emily onto the gurney after being told what had happened. She needed urgent care to safely bring her out of the paralysis and to make sure a lung wasn't punctured by a possibly broken rib. "One of you can ride with us," a female EMT told the team, and they all cleared the way for JJ to hop on the ambulance, Morgan giving the petite woman a boost.

"See you guys there," she said to Morgan, who gave her a reassuring smile in response.

JJ turned her attention back to Emily just in time to see her eyes flutter open.

* * *

Later in the morning, at the hospital, Emily had recovered almost fully. She was still lethargic but she could handle basic movements like blinking and talking pretty well. She had one broken rib, but neither lung was punctured and the profiler was set to be discharged in a few hours.

The two women had sat in silence for a few minutes. JJ had told Emily what she thought about what she did in that back alley at the scene, and well Emily didn't quite know what to say. Until she did. "I can't imagine how I would have gotten through that without you there."

JJ was a little confused. Her eyebrows raised, gesturing to Emily that she should continue explaining.

"Not being able to move. Your voice and touch were the only things that kept me from completely panicking. You…hours…with _him_. I just kept thinking…when you went through that, I wasn't there. I—"

"Emily."

"I wasn't watching you closely enough. I should have known you were getting antsy. I should have known; I should have stopped him!"

"Emily!" It was a tone that JJ only ever used with unsubs—the last warning before a bullet flew through their brain. "Stop. Now. You saved my life today. You protected me when I couldn't protect myself. Doesn't that mean something?"

"I put you into that danger, Jennifer! I could have refused to do it. I could have forced you to stay at that station. I almost lost you today…again…and it was my fault…again."

" _That's_ why you think you're inadequate?"

Emily readjusted herself in the hospital bed, wincing and gingerly laying a hand over her ribcage. She knew the heat and anger in their conversation was just a façade. They were both just terrified of what could have happened the night before. Emily knew she needed to tone it down. "I just want you to be safe, Jen," she whispered. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

JJ carefully climbed into the bed next to her wife and laid her head on her shoulder. Emily leaned down and kissed her head. The blonde linked their fingers together. "Ditto."

There was a knock on the door. "It's me," Hotch announced himself.

"Come in, Hotch," JJ called, not wanting Emily to strain herself or rattle her ribs in the attempt to speak loudly.

"You've been cleared to fly, Emily. There aren't any storms in the area, so hopefully turbulence won't be a problem. Also, I wanted to let you both know—Emily, I can justify giving you a week off, but JJ, in light of what's going on in Quantico, I'm going to need you to at least do paperwork at the BAU." Hotch eyed JJ. Emily needed to know. He gave her a slightly apologetic glance and then left the room.

Emily sat up higher. "In light of what?"

"I was going to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

JJ sighed. "The director. He has some kind of vendetta against me. Apparently, he wants to demote me to B Team."

Emily was livid. "What? Why?"

"Apparently, my medical leave has been too long. Hotch is going to talk to him and try to fix it."

"Wow," Emily shook her head. "I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, love," JJ reassured her. "You just rest, okay? We'll handle it—whatever happens. It's what we do."

* * *

After they landed, Emily made the trek to the center of the bullpen to grab the stuff she left in Quantico. JJ went to follow, but Spencer stopped her.

"JJ."

The blonde in question turned around tiredly. "Hey, Spence."

"I, um…had a question." JJ gestured for him to continue. "So, Hotch asked me to do the report on this case, but I don't know exactly what to write about the neuromuscular blocker because I've noticed some inconsistencies with the effects."

"Okay…."

"The men were completely paralyzed, but you…you said that you could make sounds, you could scream. There is no way that would have been possible with the drug we thought Shaffer used."

JJ was thrown off by the question, but figured she should answer it honestly. "I couldn't at first," she admitted. "But eventually, it began to wear off."

"But that," Spencer stammered, "that would take…."

JJ finished for him. "Hours."

Spencer opened his mouth to apologize, to say something, anything, but he was saved by the grace of Aaron Hotchner.

"JJ, can I see you in my office?"

The blonde nodded at the unit chief and then gave Spencer a reassuring smile and an arm squeeze before heading in the direction of Hotch's office.

Hotch didn't waste time once JJ had sat down. "I have my meeting with the director tomorrow morning and I wanted to talk to you first. I've realized that you and I have never really had a conversation about what happened to you last year. As your unit chief-"

"Please, Hotch. If you need a new psych eval, send me to the bureau shrink. Please don't profile me."

Hotch sighed. "I'm not profiling you, JJ." I'm your unit chief and I'm your friend. I want to speak to the director on your behalf, but I need to know that what I am saying is true."

"What do you want to be able to tell him?" JJ already knew the answer to this question.

"I want to be able to tell him that you can do this job."

"Hotch-"

"You and Emily were attacked by Shaffer's brother yesterday. You froze, JJ. This is about your safety. I need to know that this was a one-time thing. I need to know that you can do this job. Can you do this job?"

JJ took a shaky breath. "I don't know. I don't know, Hotch."

 **AN: Thoughts? ;)**


	25. Chapter 25

Strength and Healing

Chapter 25

 **AN: Here is chapter 25! So sorry for the long delay—I graduated from high school last week and have been dealing with some overwhelming stuff. I'm hoping to be more regular with my updates (have to juggle work, community service, and practicing to overcome my phobia of driving—we'll see how well I can keep my promise). In case anyone is wondering, I have decided to major in social work. Advocacy is my passion. My goal in life is to give a voice to the voiceless. All that said, this chapter is coming out of some serious soul searching (for me and for JJ!) It's an intense one—I'm going to add an additional trigger warning here.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"So what did you tell him?"

Emily and JJ were currently sitting on their bed, talking about JJ's earlier conversation with Hotch. JJ had been required to make many important decisions for herself, but honestly, she had never felt more conflicted.

"I told him I didn't know. I mean, last night was awful. I felt so helpless." JJ knew Emily would want her to ignore her downward gaze so she simply continued. "What if it happened again and the life of a victim depended on my actions? What if it happened again and I got Morgan hurt? Or Rossi or Hotch or Spence? Or you—I couldn't live with myself. What if I got myself abducted again? I play that morning over and over in my head, now that I remember it entirely." Emily tried to interrupt her. "Don't tell me it wasn't my fault. Technically, it wasn't, but I got into Shaffer's car. _I_ did that. I could do it again if I ever got that desperate. I wouldn't survive another unsub like him. I wouldn't want to."

The brunette wasn't going to argue with that. JJ was perfectly entitled to feel wary about her state of mind. "Do you want to take some more time off to think about it?" Emily asked cautiously, brushing a piece of her wife's hair behind her left ear.

JJ shook her head. "If I take time off, I'm basically solidifying my position in B Team. And if I'm staying in BAU, I want to stay with you and the rest of our team. I have to make a decision today. Hotch needs to know tomorrow morning—he wants to meet with both of us before he talks to the director."

Emily hated what her wife was going through. She gave her wife a small smile and sat up, following JJ's lead. "What can I do to help?"

"I need you to help me decide—will you help me go through some pros and cons?" Emily nodded and reached for a piece of paper to write on. JJ stopped her. "No, no paper. Let's just talk. You're good at getting into my head."

The brunette nodded and reached out to clasp JJ's hand tightly in her own, reminding her that they were in this together. "You've already pointed out some cons. Let's talk about pros. Why did you decide to join the FBI in the first place?"

* * *

 _"You did what?!"_

 _Annie Jareau was not currently pleased with her daughter._

 _"I applied to the FBI and I was accepted into the academy," JJ repeated matter-of-factly. Her decision was final. She knew what she wanted to do now. Ever since the day she heard David Rossi speak, she just knew. She had to understand why people like Erin did what they did. She had to stop it._

 _"Why would you do something like that, Jenny? You hate guns!" Though this was the truth, at this point, Annie was just trying to throw anything at her daughter that would make her reconsider her decision. She had already lost one daughter, she wasn't going to lose another._

 _"Mom," the young woman began to explain, "there are some pretty evil people in the world, and—"_

 _"And you're just going to expose yourself to them?!" Annie didn't mean to raise her voice-she never yelled at her daughter; the fragile woman did not react well to shouting—but she was truly frustrated…and terrified._

 _"I've already been exposed to them!" JJ forced herself to calm down, to have a logical conversation with her mom about this, to explain it as gently as possible. "You know how Erin treated me—that was abuse. That was, it was r-" JJ choked on her own words. She had never spoken those words aloud before. She had never recognized to anyone that she knew there was something seriously wrong with the way the redhead had spoken to her and the way she had hit her and the way she had….No. JJ shook off the word. This conversation had nothing to do with Erin. The thought almost made the blonde laugh. This conversation had_ everything _to do with Erin. "I just don't want what happened to me to happen to other people, okay? I have to do something. I have to do this. Mom, I'm not asking for your permission. I'd love your blessing and support, but this is what I'm going to do."_

 _"So, your journalism degree is just going to go to waste?" Of course Annie knew that this opportunity cost was little in comparison to what JJ would be losing if she didn't follow her heart. Her opposition was weakening. She knew how stubborn JJ was when she was set on something. Her daughter was going to join the FBI and there was nothing she could do about it._

 _"I'm sure it'll help me with something," JJ replied softly. "I'll be in Quantico for at least the next few years for training, so you can come visit me," she bargained._

 _Annie smiled sadly and wrapped her daughter tightly in her arms. "Please be careful, Jenny. I love you so much. I can't lose you too."_

 _"You won't, mom."_

 _Annie pulled back and grabbed her daughter by the shoulders. "You've been through too much for someone so young. Promise me if you start dating someone, you'll let me meet her. I don't want you to go through Erin again."_

 _JJ gritted her teeth. According to her mom, Erin was the only person she'd ever "dated". She didn't know the blonde had broken up with Elizabeth just days before applying to the FBI Academy. The blonde hated lying. "I promise, mom." This time she meant it._

 _The future profiler had exceedingly bad taste in women, and though she vowed to herself with her separation from Lizzy that she knew the signs of an abusive partner and she would stay away from women like that, she didn't totally trust herself yet. So she would let her mom be the judge. But for now, she trusted she'd be the safest within the walls of FBI headquarters in Quantico, Virginia. After all, what could happen to her when she was surrounded by the country's most experienced agents?_

* * *

"Your mom knew about Erin?"

JJ blushed. "A little. She didn't know anything about Brittany or Elizabeth until we got married. I was too embarrassed to tell her."

"I was the first person you told about them?" Emily questioned, raising an eyebrow.

JJ nodded. "What was I going to tell my mom? 'By the way, I haven't been raped one hundred times. It's probably closer to five hundred. Sorry I forgot to tell you!'"

Emily, not used to her wife using this type of blunt language, was slightly flabbergasted. She knew the length of time JJ was with each of her assaulters. The painful calculations flew through her head and her awful mental math skills instantly improved exponentially. Nine months. Five months. Four months. Eight hours. Eighteen months times about thirty days per month equals five hundred forty.

Five hundred and forty days.

How many of those days did JJ escape assault? Emily suspected not many.

Five hundred and forty.

Five hundred and forty.

After almost a minute of awkward silence, JJ's gaze hit their joined hands resting in her lap. "Sorry," she muttered.

The brunette shook her head, using her free hand to lift JJ's chin gingerly, forcing their eyes to meet. "Hey," she said gently, shakily attempting to hide her newfound anger at people she already hated. _No,_ Emily reminded herself. _If I'm hating them, I'm not loving her. No room for hate. Use your energy to love your wife. They don't deserve your hatred._ "I'm not angry. I'm not judging you. I'm just trying to understand your thought process, sweetheart. Take a deep breath. Never apologize for the truth, even if it hurts."

When JJ nodded in response, Emily continued. "So, you wanted to join the FBI to stop what happened to you from happening to others. I'd say you've succeeded."

"It feels more like we're intervening after the fact. Like we're saying, 'oh, your rapist is dead now—everything's better.'" JJ laughed bitterly. "That's not the way it works at all. I still see Erin when I close my eyes." The blonde's eyes fluttered closed and a tear escaped, stalling before the fall of her cheek. "I feel useless," she conceded ultimately.

Emily didn't try to convince her wife otherwise. Words would do nothing here. JJ had to do something that made her feel useful. Something that gave her purpose. And right now, being a profiler wasn't doing that for her. The brunette released her wife's hand in order to scoot forward and hold JJ to her tenderly. JJ didn't continue crying, but she didn't say anything either. Emily hated telling her wife how she was feeling. Yes, at times it felt like the brunette knew the blonde better than she knew herself, but JJ needed to be able to read herself. Today, she dug deep into her soul and found the reason for her inner conflict. Emily decided to assist her with the solution. "Jen," she whispered lovingly into her ear, "you need to figure out what you want to do now. You decided to join to FBI to protect people from what had happened to you. Now, you need to find out what will allow you to do that. The truth is," Emily spoke to her wife who clung desperately to her, running the fingers of her right hand slowly through her blonde ringlets, "we can't catch every perp. If you can't handle that, you might need to find a new way to accomplish your goal."

"I don't want to leave the BAU," JJ admitted despondently.

Emily nodded into the top of her wife's head. "I don't want you to either. But you have to do what your heart is telling you."

JJ sniffed and backed away from her wife's clutch slightly, remaining close enough that Emily's arms remained securely around her. "My heart is telling me that it's not time to make a decision. I'm not ready to commit either way."

"That's okay too," Emily assured her before pressing her lips to JJ's forehead. "We have all night and tomorrow morning. When your heart makes a decision about how you want to go about helping people like you, you'll know. And if that means leaving the BAU, even temporarily, everyone will understand, and Hotch will make the director understand."

JJ nodded, leaning her forehead against Emily's. "How did I find someone like you?"

Emily chuckled. "You decided to help people and you followed your heart."

The next morning, JJ still hadn't made a decision. She hoped the inspiration would come to her in Quantico. It did.

When the couple entered the BAU building, Hotch met them in security. "Hotch," Emily laughed slightly. "we're perfectly capable of walking to your office, but thanks."

Hotch shook his head. "Change of plans. You'll never guess who just arrived."

JJ and Emily eyed each other, confused, as their unit chief lead them into the round table room. The women were blindsided by who they saw. JJ looked up at Hotch. "What are they doing here?"

 **AN: Guessing game time! Who is it?**

 **What did you think of the rest of the chapter?**


	26. Chapter 26

Strength and Healing

Chapter 26

 **AN: Here is chapter 26! I'm surprised there weren't any guesses on who it was. Only got three reviews on the last chapter, which is an all-time low for me. I'm not quite begging for reviews here, but I need to know that there are more than three people who like my story enough to review every chapter. It doesn't have to be big or anything, but please leave a review when you can. I try to incorporate all of your ideas. Thanks guys!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Two small gasps were heard inside the roundtable room as the BAU's visitors became aware of who had just entered. The little girl made a beeline for JJ, colliding with her leg and wrapping her tiny arms securely around her hips. JJ instinctively placed one hand on the little girl's head as the other one steadied her against the table. Desperate brown eyes met curious blues. "Hi," the little girl whispered against JJ's torso.

"Hi," JJ whispered back cautiously before shifting her gaze to the little boy who still sat at the table, eyeing his sister fearfully. "It's okay," JJ reassured him, knowing that his cause for concern was that his sister might be doing something that would get her in trouble.

The blonde took the little girl's hand and lead her back to the table, sitting her down. Her eyes met Emily's. "Em, do you remember the coloring stuff we gave them last time?" She waited for a nod before giving her wife directions. "They're in the second drawer in the desk in my old office—will you grab all of it for them?"

The brunette gave her wife a swift nod before leaving in search of JJ's old office. The blonde's mothering instinct took over instantly as her biggest concern at the moment was the twins. "Okay, guys. You remember Emily?" She was met with two small nods. "Good. Emily went to get you guys some art supplies, so you can have some fun while us grownups talk, alright?" Again, the response was in the form of two small nods.

"Where are you going?" the little girl bravely asked once she had gotten up the courage to raise her voice enough to be heard.

JJ smiled kindly and knelt down in front of the two frightened children as Emily walked back in with coloring books. "We'll be right outside, sweet Francesca. Do you think you'll be okay in here for a few minutes?" She got a nod.

"Alright," Emily announced to the twins after JJ had finished. "Tony, I'm guessing you want the _Frozen_ coloring book?" she asked with a joking smile.

The small boy allowed himself to giggle while shaking his head, and the girl reached out tentatively for the book. "Can I have the Elsa book?" she asked hopefully.

"Of course, princess," Emily told her, handing the book over and placing crayons on the table. "How does _Cars_ sound, Tony?"

The boy nodded enthusiastically, sporting a toothless grin. "Thank you…ma'am."

"You can just call me Emily, bud," she informed him, reaching out to ruffle his hair, taking note of the small flinch in response to the physical contact.

Already, Hotch could see that the way the twins were with him and the way they were with his female agents was worlds apart. They had spent maybe an hour with JJ and Emily after they were rescued from their father's home, but something had clicked with the twins that had told them the two women were worthy of their trust. Maybe they instinctively saw a survivor in JJ? An experienced supporter in Emily? Whatever it was, the three agents who stood with the orphaned children were grateful for it.

"We're going to be right outside," JJ reminded them, before opening the door to the roundtable room and gesturing for her wife and unit chief to exit. She was the last one out, and gave Tony and Francesca one last reassuring smile before closing the door behind her. "Hotch, what happened? Why are they here?"

Hotch sighed. "They were already here when I got here this morning. Anderson told me that their foster parents dropped them off, remembering their connection to the FBI. Told someone in security they couldn't take care of them anymore."

"And this is a heterosexual couple?" JJ questioned.

Hotch raised an eyebrow after nodding. "Why is that relevant?"

JJ ushered the other agents down the bridge that led to the roundtable room and towards her desk. When they arrived there, JJ gave them both a look that spoke clearly the words _I'm sorry. Don't judge me_. She then reached into the top drawer and produced a file. "I took this out of the stack of solved case files you keep in your office. After the twins were placed in this home, I was still haunted by their situation, and I thought maybe reading every word in this sub-file about the twins would comfort me a little." She looked up to Hotch and Emily to examine their reactions. Neither looked as if they weren't understanding. Both knew that after all her new found connections to the American foster care system, she'd be concerned about the twins. She knew all too well what their ward status left them vulnerable to, and vowed to keep up with them, even rescue them if it was needed at some point.

"Did it?" Emily asked. "Comfort you, I mean."

JJ shook her head. "No." She flipped through the file until she found the page she was looking for. She removed it and placed the remaining collection of papers down on her desk. "Both of them show psychological signs of abuse. Their medical records are sort of ambiguous, but we can speculate about what type, though we won't know for sure until we talk to them. The point is they have a clear fear of men. Social services should not have placed them in a semi-permanent home with a male adult. I'm guessing the 'we couldn't take care of them anymore' has entirely to do with that."

"Social services already tried to get them to disclose abuse-they didn't," Hotch pointed out.

"You mean the big scary men who took them away from the only two people they had begun to trust attempted to coerce them into saying the words, 'our father abused us'. They're six-years-old and terrified, and they likely don't even understand that what was done to them is wrong. Hotch, you have to remember my point of view here. I was ten years older than them when I first met Erin, and I had no idea. 'Abuse' is not the language they'll understand."

Hotch sighed. "JJ, everything you're saying seems to suggest that you want to take the twins home. That's not going to be easy for you guys. With what they've witnessed and been through, the chances of them living a normal life are small."

JJ shrugged. "I don't even know if that's possible, Hotch. I just hate that they're being labeled as 'problem' children by their foster parents and consequently, by the system, when I'm ninety-nine percent sure they have done nothing wrong. Just because they need some extra care to help them heal from what they've been through, people are giving up on them." The blonde couldn't stop her voice from breaking when she summarized with the words, "It just breaks my heart."

Emily moved to stand next to her wife and began to rub her back soothingly. JJ leaned in to the embrace, but didn't fully relax into it. "I mean, I have some of those same issues. Do people give up on me like that too?"

The brunette knew her wife was beginning to spiral. "No one's giving up on you. And no one is giving up on them either, okay? It's just a lot to take on. We all want what's best for them. That's why we're having this conversation." Emily reached around JJ to fully wrap her arm around her, giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"We can't just let them go back into that system," JJ concluded.

Emily nodded. "I agree. But it's more complicated than that."

JJ understood this fact, but it didn't change how she felt. They were young enough to get through their trauma. The blonde even had the thought that they could all do it together, as a family. She didn't want to allow herself to think like that; there was a lot in between the roundtable room and adoption papers, but something about this situation had a "meant to be" vibe around it. Maybe this was JJ's new way of helping people. Maybe it needed to be two specific people.

Hotch decided to interject. "I haven't called social services yet. I'm obligated to, and I'm going to do it soon, but I wanted to talk to you both first because I had a feeling this would happen. I can tell them to come pick the twins up, or I can tell them I have two agents who are willing to take them home, at least for the rest of the weekend, and we can reassess tomorrow. It's up to you." Both women nodded. "You can use one of the interrogation rooms to talk. Were they comfortable with Garcia last time they were here?"

Emily nodded. "Yeah, they were pretty comfortable with her. Why?"

Hotch shifted his gaze to the bubbly tech analyst standing outside the roundtable room. "She just arrived and it looks like Anderson just briefed her on the situation. I'll have her sit with the twins for a bit. Let me know when you make a decision." He gave both women a kind smile before heading back towards the bridge.

"C'mon," the brunette whispered gently. Emily gingerly took JJ's hand in hers and led her towards the interrogation rooms, opening the door to the first one and leading her wife inside, after closing the blinds on the outside so they would have privacy.

"This is the room you guys had Erin in," the blonde commented after a moment of silence.

"Do you want to go to a different one?"

JJ shook her head. "They all look like this one." She took a deep steadying breath and then sat down on the table between the two chairs. Emily remained standing, but stepped closer to JJ and resumed holding one of her hands. "I don't know what to do," the blonde whispered. "I'm not in a good place right now. Would it be irresponsible to take on two kids in this state of mind?"

Emily pursed her lips. "I wouldn't say you're not in a good place right now. The week since your birthday has been very overwhelming. Those kids in Oklahoma, Justin Shaffer in LA, now this. Anyone would have a hard time with it."

JJ shook her head, shaking away tears. "They were in that house for almost nine months, Em. I was with Erin for that long. We assumed their father was abusive because of their reaction to his death, but I just have a feeling about these people. Like they played with the twins until they were done and then put them out with the trash." She shook her head again. " _Trash_ ," she muttered in disgust. "I used to be trash."

Emily reached out with her other hand so she was holding both of JJ's. "You were never trash, baby. Never."

"I don't want to make this about me," JJ admitted. "I don't. I just…Erin was abused by her parents, me by Erin. I want those kids to be taught that it's not okay to treat people that way. And _I_ want to be the one to teach them that. And I want you to be too. I want you to teach them that how people have treated them says nothing about them and everything about the people who treated them that way. Just like you taught me that. They have a chance, Em. And I feel like by not taking them home, we take that chance away from them."

Emily nodded, following her wife's logic perfectly. "I think your heart just made a decision about the BAU." She couldn't help the sad tint in the loving smile she directed at JJ. "I haven't seen you so passionate about something in a long time."

"I'm sorry, Em," JJ whispered.

Emily squeezed both of JJ's hands. "It's okay. Nothing is permanent. I love seeing you like this, so dedicated to something. It's what made me fall in love with you in the first place, Jen. Your passion is who you are, and I would never dream of holding you back from that."

She used her hands to gently spread JJ's knees apart, so she could get closer to her. The brunette stepped into the space she'd created and wrapped her arms tightly around JJ's small form, pressing a lingering kiss to the top of her head. The blonde allowed herself to close her eyes, savoring the loving touch she never took for granted. She knew she was only even able to allow Emily to kiss her like this because of years upon years of recovery and healing effort on both her and her wife's part. They were almost professionals when it came to this type of healing, and anyone who had the opportunity to have Emily's assistance in the journey of recovery from abuse was extraordinarily lucky. Up until this point JJ was the sole recipient of the power of the brunette's gentleness and for some reason, she felt compelled to share now. Regardless of whether they opened their hearts and home to the twins or not, JJ knew she would always have Emily's loyalty, so it felt almost selfish to let this opportunity go by. They needed the twins as much as the twins needed them.

"Em?" JJ asked after almost a minute of peaceful silence.

"Mhm?" Emily hummed against JJ's hair.

"Are you going to be able to take on the twins and not burn out with all of my stuff?" JJ's realization that Emily's loyalty to her almost took on spiritual proportions caused her to be concerned for her wife. Would Emily prioritize the three of them over her to the point of not taking care of herself?

"We'll figure it out," was her answer, as it always was. "We always do."

"Em?" JJ whispered once more, fearing any more volume would disturb the calmness of their embrace, the peace they had found in being absolutely sure of what they had to do.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I thank the universe for you every day."

JJ could feel the smile against the top of her head as she heard her wife's gentle laugh. "Well, I thank the universe for you every minute," she countered.

The blonde just giggled in response, pressing her body even tighter to Emily's, almost as if the embrace was an energy source and she was charging in preparation for what would surely be a difficult, but extremely rewarding, endeavor. The brunette replied by squeezing her wife closer to her as well. JJ hummed in response and then stood up, knowing that this would erase all remaining space between them.

Emily ran the fingers of her right hand through JJ's hair and JJ buried her face into the crook of her wife's neck. There were no tears shed, but the hug served as a release of the intensity of the past week and as preparation for what the next several would bring. No words were needed either, just the sacred power that existed in the women's connection. This was home, and this is what those amazing kids deserved, and this is what JJ and Emily were going to give to them.

They held each other for what felt like hours. It was the most peaceful time they had had together in over a week and both women needed it greatly. Eventually, they were disturbed by a knock at the door. The sudden change in the quiet they had created for themselves made JJ jump and the brunette responded to it by holding her tightly for another thirty seconds or so until her breathing returned to normal. "You okay?" she whispered to be sure. When she felt JJ nod, she slowly released her from the embrace and walked to the door, opening it to reveal Hotch.

"Hey," he greeted both of them. "You guys know what you're going to do?" Hotch asked this, already pretty sure of what the answer would be.

"Yeah, Hotch," JJ told him. "We're going to take them home."

The unit chief smiled. "I'll let social services know."

Emily squeezed her wife's hand. "I'll go tell the twins." The brunette left the room to allow JJ to talk to Hotch.

"Hotch…" she started.

"I get it, JJ. I'll do my best to keep Emily's schedule flexible, at least for a while."

"Thank you, Hotch," JJ said sincerely.

"Get the twins settled and we'll discuss paper work next week."

JJ nodded. "What are you going to tell the director?"

"I'm not sure yet," he told her. "But let me worry about it, okay?"

JJ nodded again and went to leave the room, but Hotch held her back. "You'll always have a place here. I'll make sure of it." In a rare showing of physical affection, the unit chief reached out to squeeze her arm. "Take care of yourself, JJ. And take care of those kids."

JJ reached up to wipe threatening tears and then left the interrogation room in search of her wife and new foster children.

 **AN: Lots of stuff! Please, please leave a review for me and let me know what you think/ what you want to happen. Thanks to my loyal reviewers!**


	27. Chapter 27

Strength and Healing

Chapter 27

 **AN: Here is chapter 27! First let me say that I am SO SORRY that I haven't updated in almost a month. I've been really busy with work and getting ready to start my first semester of college. That being said, I'm hoping to be able to update more frequently. Thank you for all the reviews last chapter. I know bringing the twins home was sort of a rushed decision but I want to make clear that as of now, they are just trying to keep the kids out of the system that has so obviously failed them. Adoption is a long ways away and the Prentisses haven't decided on keeping them yet. I hope this chapter addresses some of your concerns. I hope those of you who weren't happy with that decision stick around. And just to clarify—JJ has decided that her current purpose is to take care of Anthony and Francesca. For now, that means leaving the BAU, but I promise our favorite agents aren't going anywhere. Please leave a review if you can—I really appreciate them all! Just a warning, this chapter may be triggering for any survivors of child abuse.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Trusting Hotch with the tasks of calling social services and handling what would most likely be an enraged Director, JJ and Emily set off with their new charges, neither certain of what their future would look like, but both completely certain that, for now, they had made the right decision. If Emily hadn't been convinced beforehand, which she pretty much was, her wife's unintentional puppy eyes and a pained whisper of "We cannot send those kids back into that system right now," sealed the deal for her. The brunette had seen the results of a youth filled with abuse, and was not going to knowingly send the twins back into the lions' den.

When they had arrived back at the house, a restrained yawn that managed to escape Francesca told the two agents that a nap was in order for the two children. The two six-year-olds had been dropped off just before six a.m, having been woken in the middle of the night to take the hour long journey from where they had been living to FBI Headquarters in Quantico.

"Do you guys want to rest for a little while, and then we can all have lunch later?" JJ asked the two overwhelmed children gently, kneeling down to eye level after she had shut the door behind them.

"Would that be okay?" a wide-eyed Tony asked hesitantly.

"Of course, sweet boy," was Emily's calculated response as she knelt down next to JJ, carefully grasping his tiny hand in hers. "We're just going to hang out here today. Maybe later we'll talk about getting you guys some clothes," she added as it occurred to her that the twins had nothing but the clothes they were wearing.

Tony looked concerned, but Francesca was enamored by the idea. "Really?" she gasped in disbelief. "You would buy us clothes?"

JJ couldn't help the small smile that played on her lips as she remembered her own disbelief at the prospect of being treated kindly by a partner, something she'd never experienced. The smile transformed into a pressed frown at the blonde's realization that this meant that their old foster parents must of treated them like she was treated by Erin…like trash.

"Not that I don't love your princess dress," she smiled at the little girl, who was wearing the same costume that she had been wearing the day Emily shot her father, "but you probably need some stuff to sleep in and some stuff to play in, huh?"

This reminded Francesca of something. "Oh, no!"

"What is it, sweets? What's wrong?" JJ asked, concerned about the little girl's sudden change in demeanor.

"How are we going to take a nap today? We don't have jammies!" she exclaimed.

Tony was slightly amused by his sister's antics, but kept quiet. He knew that they could get in trouble in any moment and he had to be on high alert to protect Francesca.

JJ smiled softly again and stood up, taking both kids by the hand and began to lead them up the stairs. "I have some old T-Shirts that you can sleep in for now…."

The blonde's voice trailed off as the trio ascended the stairs. Emily was rendered speechless by the sight in front of her. The brunette always knew her wife had an extraordinarily gentle soul—it's one of the first things about JJ that she fell in love with—but she had never seen her as being explicitly maternal. It really was awe-inspiring for Emily to see JJ with the twins. They had imprinted on Emily and Emily on them, but JJ had connected instantly with that little girl all those months ago when she had promised her that Emily and Rossi would save her brother, and it was the type of connection that couldn't be denied. It was clear to Emily that the blonde saw something of herself in Francesca; maybe it was abandonment, maybe it was insecurity, but Emily saw something else the two had in common: hope. Hope that their future would be better than their past, hope that they had finally found the home, the people, the love that it would take to heal their hearts. To turn their open wounds into faded scars. Of course they would always be there—scars remain forever-but as time passes and hope is restored, skin grows over the scar and one day, all that remains is an awful memory.

JJ had been upstairs about thirty minutes when the doorbell rang. She had gotten the twins to fall asleep in the guestroom and began to descend the stairs when she heard Emily open the front door and the voice of their visitor stopped her in her tracks, freezing her in place as she heard the conversation unfold.

Emily gasped when she saw the person on the other side of the door. "Mother, what are you doing here?"

* * *

 _"Emily. I want you to think about what you are doing!" Ambassador Prentiss was in the middle of her last attempt to keep Emily from marrying JJ._

 _"Mother, I am not going to pretend to be straight for you to keep your_ image _intact." Emily was furious. Any other mother would be thrilled for their daughter to have finally found the person they were meant to be with. Elizabeth Prentiss was entirely concerned with how her daughter's marriage-_ if you could even call it that _, The Ambassador had said-would affect her._

 _"I'm not telling you not to be with her, Emily! I'm telling you not to marry her! There's a difference. If your father were alive, he would be—"_

 _Knowing how she was planning on finishing the sentence, Emily cut her off. "He would be proud of me! For following my heart. For finding someone as amazing as Jennifer. But you wouldn't know anything about that; you've barely had two conversations with her."_

 _The older Prentiss looked down, searching for an excuse. Emily knew it would be pathetic. "Well, I didn't want to scare her or anything."_

 _Emily laughed bitterly. "Are you fucking kidding me, mother? Cut the bullshit, cut it out now."_

 _"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, do not speak to me that way."_

 _"You think you're the one who has the right to be indignant right now? You come into my house, uninvited might I add, you insult me, my fiancée, and the life we've built together, and_ you're _angry? This is unbelievable. Mother, if you're not prepared to be entirely supportive of this relationship and this marriage, I don't want you at the wedding, and I don't want you in my house."_

 _"Emily, this is ridiculous…I'm your mother."_

 _"I invited my mother to the wedding, not Ambassador Prentiss. I don't want Ambassador Prentiss there, and it's clear that you can't be just my mother." Emily was so angry and so hurt that she didn't know what to say, other than "Get out. I don't want to see you again until you're prepared to be my mother." She slammed the door hard._

* * *

Emily hadn't seen her mother in more than five years, about two weeks before she and JJ got married. Emily had presented an ultimatum. Be her mother or be the Ambassador. It was clear from her absence that she had chosen the latter.

Elizabeth invited herself in, closing the door behind her. Emily repeated herself. "Why are you here, mother?"

"I'm stopping you from doing something idiotic! You're going to adopt two abused Hispanic heroin babies?!"

Emily inwardly cringed at the crude description, but remained cold on the outside. "Where did you hear that?"

"I stopped by the BAU for business and when I asked why you weren't there, Agent Hotchner told me about those twins." The Ambassador looked at her daughter condescendingly, with an air of _I told you so_ in her voice. "I don't understand why you did what you did, Emily. Marrying someone as wounded as Jennifer is, and now this. You're going to burn out! Honestly, darling, if you wanted this kind of life, you could have just opened up a domestic violence shelter."

At the sound of her name, JJ was lifted from her trance. She had always known that her mother-in-law wasn't her biggest fan, but she had never considered that she had thought of her as Emily's little pet victim. She knew she would begin crying and she didn't want Elizabeth to hear her and have her suspicions confirmed. She quietly bounded up the stairs and tiptoed quickly into her room, not wanting to wake the twins.

Meanwhile downstairs, Emily was resisting the sudden urge to slap her mother across the face. No one infuriated her like her mother did and nothing angered her more than someone using her wife's past against her. "Don't talk about them like they're not people, mother. Don't talk about them like they don't have _feelings_!" The energy that it took to shout but still whisper rattled the brunette's still injured ribs, and she winced, bringing her right hand to touch her ribcage carefully.

Elizabeth eyed her daughter skeptically. "What happened to _you_?"

Emily looked up, her eyes widening. "I got shot, mother. It happens sometimes."

"Maybe you need to sit down, dear." The Ambassador took a step towards the agent and Emily held up a hand, stopping her.

" _Don't._ Don't barge into my house and pretend like you care!" Emily kept her voice down, not wanting the twins, and especially JJ, to hear her. "Where were you last year when I left you _eleven_ voicemails telling you that my wife had been abducted by a serial killer? Where were you when I thought I was going to find her dead? Where were you during the trial? During the _worst few months of my life_? Where were you when I _needed my mother_?"

JJ looked up at the sound of a knock on her doorframe, expecting to find Emily, but was surprised when her eyes met a pair of worried chocolate brown orbs. "Why is Emily yelling?" the little girl asked.

JJ waved Francesca into the room, wiping the last of her tears quickly. "Are you crying because she's yelling? Was she yelling at you?"

"No, sweetie, she wasn't," JJ promised, beckoning the girl to join her on the bed.

"Who is she yelling at then?"

"Her mother," JJ sniffed. "She's yelling at her mother."

Francesca thought for a moment. "Are you and Emily married?" she asked curiously.

JJ nodded. "Yeah, we are," she sniffed. "Is there a reason you asked?"

The little girl looked straight into JJ's eyes and asked, "Does Emily ever hit you?"

The question felt like a slap, and Emily had to recover from the force of it to be able to answer. "Of course not, baby. Why would you think that?"

"Well, my mom and dad were married and my dad used to hit my mom. And Mr. and Mrs. Johnson were married and Mr. Johnson used to hit Mrs. Johnson. I guess I just thought that's what happens." She shrugged nonchalantly.

JJ knew she had to put her hurt at what the Ambassador had said aside. She had bigger problems to deal with right now. The blonde shifted on the bed so she was facing Francesca completely. "Sweetheart, I need you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say, okay?" JJ was having a déjà vu moment. This conversation felt almost exactly like several she had had with Emily over the years on this very bed, only her role was different now and the prospect all but terrified her.

Francesca nodded and waited expectantly. She could tell her new foster mom had something very important to say.

JJ slowly reached a hand out to cup a tiny cheek in her hand, smiling sadly when the little girl looked like she was about to flinch away but forced herself not to. It was something JJ had done dozens of times. "Francesca, it's never okay for anyone to hit anyone else. It doesn't matter if they're married or if they're friends or even if they're a parent and child, okay?"

The little girl looked confused. "Even if they're bad?"

JJ nodded solemnly. "Even if they're bad." When Francesca didn't reply, JJ continued. "I promise you that while you're in this house, no one will ever hurt you. You and Tony are safe here."

The little girl nodded, trying to absorb the information. And just when JJ was convinced she didn't believe her, Francesca looked up again. JJ had used her right arm to caress the little girl's cheek, giving her a perfect view of the scar on her arm. "I have one too," Francesca announced, lifting her T-Shirt and revealing what looked like a healed welt on her upper thigh.

JJ almost laughed at the thought that social services had spent more than six months interrogating the twins when all JJ needed to do to get Francesca to disclose what had happened to her was reveal her own healed wounds. The blonde decided that now would be a good time to get this conversation over with. "Does Tony have any?" she asked.

Francesca nodded. "We both do."

"Did your dad give you those scars?" she asked hesitantly.

Francesca shook her head. "Mr. Johnson," she said simply.

JJ nodded in understanding. That would explain why nothing was found on their original medical report. JJ had suspected that their father's abuse was based on neglect and it was the twins' foster parents that had caused the most physical damage.

"Thank you for telling me that, Francesca," JJ told her earnestly.

Francesca replied by crawling into JJ's lap. "How did you get yours?" she whispered, still afraid of JJ's reaction.

JJ felt the little girl tense up in her arms as she asked the question. "Hey," she soothed, making eye contact with the little girl. "You can ask me anything. It's okay." Francesca nodded and allowed herself to be cradled by the blonde. "A few months before we met you guys, a bad man took me."

Francesca looked up. "A bad man like Mr. Johnson or a bad man like Daddy?"

JJ looked down at the girl who waiting for an answer. "All bad people are different Francesca," she tried to explain the best way she could to such a young girl. "But they all hurt people, people like you and Tony and me," the blonde continued.

"Did Emily make you feel better?" Francesca asked. "She makes me feel better."

"Does she?" JJ asked, a hint of a smile forming on her lips.

Francesca nodded. "She's really nice."

JJ agreed, "Yeah, she is. She always makes me feel better. Did it scare you when you heard her yelling?"

"Yeah. Does she yell at you?"

JJ shook her head. "No, sweet girl. Emily never yells at me. She'll never yell at you either."

"Then why was she yelling?"

"Emily's mom doesn't really like me, and Emily was trying to protect me."

"Because she loves you?"

JJ pulled the girl even closer to her. "Because she loves me."

Francesca didn't reply. She was sleeping in seconds. The little girl hadn't felt safe since the policemen came and took her mom to jail. She didn't know why they took her mom away from her.

JJ just sat there and let Francesca sleep. Her thumb had landed in her mouth and her long dark hair had matted around her face. The blonde was so captivated by the sleeping child in her arms that she didn't notice Emily walk in and tiredly lean against the wall. Eventually, she softly cleared her throat to get JJ's attention.

"Hi," she whispered.

"Hi," the blonde whispered back. "She heard you yelling and got scared," she explained.

Emily grimaced. "I was trying to be quiet," she apologized before realizing that if Francesca heard her, JJ definitely did. "I'm sorry you had to hear that," she told her wife.

JJ shook her head. "I'm not going to say it didn't hurt, but I know you don't see me that way. You would have married me even if I had never been abused," she said, letting a small smile escape at the end of her statement.

"You're joking," Emily chuckled softly. "I'm upset and you're making jokes."

JJ gently lifted Francesca up and laid her back down on the bed, covering her with a blanket.

The blonde turned to her wife and led her quietly into the hallway, sobering. "I'm so sorry that your mom attacked you with all that today. I really am, but some of the things she was saying made sense."

"She doesn't care about me at all, Jen, you know that," Emily stressed. "She just wants to present the image of a caring, traditional mother."

"I'm not saying her concerns are genuine, my love," JJ clarified, sitting in the hallway and bringing Emily down to sit next to her. "And I'm not excusing what she did or what she said about me or the twins. I'm just saying that you kind of have opened up a domestic violence shelter. This isn't going to be easy on me either, but you just committed yourself to two more lost puppies, Em. I feel like I made you do it too."

Emily shook her head vigorously, reaching out both hands to hold her wife's face securely between them. "No. You didn't make me do anything. I know what happened to Erin in that system. I know what happened to Amanda. I know what happened to those twins. They're young enough. We can stop the cycle. I couldn't have lived with myself, knowing what I would be letting them bounce from house to house like that."

JJ took Emily's hands and brought them down to her lap, effectively releasing her face. "You're talking like you want to adopt them, Em. Am I really fit to be a parent after what's happened to me? God, what if they try to tell me more about what's happened to them and I have a flashback? What if I can't make them feel safe because the truth is I don't always feel safe either? I double check the locks every night, I don't even put the garbage out when it's dark."

"Those are real concerns, Jennifer. All stuff we need to think about before we make any major decisions. But for today, we made the right choice. They're safe right now. You're safe right now. That's all that matters at this point, sweetheart."

JJ took a deep breath. "Be honest with me if you don't think you can do this, okay?"

Emily raised an eyebrow. "Are we spinning into 'it's ok if you want to leave me' territory here?"

The blonde shook her head. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, if you think we need to foster the twins until they have a permanent home and then when it's time, say goodbye, if you think this being permanent isn't a good idea, if you think you're going to burn out, I need you to tell me. I don't want you to want them because it's important to me. I want it to be important to both of us. I finally believe that we're in this together; please continue to convince me it's true."

Emily nodded. "It's true," she whispered, leaning forward to capture her wife's lips with hers. The kiss was passionate, lasting several seconds, but was chaste, expressing only love and the promise that whatever their future held, it would be shared between them.

 **AN: Was that worth waiting a month for? (If not, lie! Just kidding) I'm going to try to update more often now. What did you all think? What do you want to happen? Any questions/thoughts/concerns? Thanks for being patient, guys!**


	28. Chapter 28

Strength and Healing

Chapter 28

 **AN: Here is chapter 28! Again, sorry for the delay. Updates on this story are probably going to be unpredictable and sporadic from now on because of college and work, but I'm constantly thinking about it, so no worries there. Thank you all for your reviews and your follows/favorites. Always let me know if you have any questions/requests. I do my best to incorporate them all. Each review I get means the world to me, so please continue to take the time to leave me one if you can. :) This chapter is very Jemily centric; I wanted to have Emily find some peace before I move deeper into the storyline with the kids. So those of you who are vulnerable Emily fans, this one's for you! And have no fear, once the twins get settled, there will be an abundance of fluff—and of course, more angst.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

 _"You've been seeing me for almost seven weeks, Agent Jareau, and you haven't even said the words yet. What's holding you back?"_

 _It took all of JJ's will power not to roll her eyes at the man who called himself the bureau shrink, a middle-aged upper class white man who prided himself in 'understanding the plights of all'. It wasn't that the blonde didn't appreciate his attempt to be helpful to her, but both people knew they were only there because it was bureau policy that any agent who had been compromised during the process of apprehending an unsub see an FBI therapist for a varying amount of time before being cleared for field work. Hotch had recommended eight weeks. It felt like a prison sentence._

 _Dr. Alexander was nice enough, but…._

One _, JJ thought to herself in her attempt to avoid the question he had just asked, he was a man._

Two, _she added silently, he was straight._

Three, _he had never gone through anything as awful as she had. He had told her himself at their first meeting._

 _He didn't even know her._

" _Agent Jareau? You still with me?"_

 _JJ knew Dr. Alexander figured that she had had a flashback. It was almost as if he was attempting to catch her in the act, like a child with his hand in the cookie jar, just so he could have the satisfaction of diagnosing her with PTSD._

 _The agent looked up at the expectant man. "Yeah," she sighed. "I'm fine. Are we done yet?"_

" _Jennifer," the doctor sighed, using her first name in attempt to make her more comfortable. JJ knew this trick. She knew them all. She wasn't going to let this man play with her. "It's important that you talk about what happened to you. I'm not asking you to tell me everything. Right now I'm just asking…what do you think is preventing you from acknowledging what's happened?"_

 _JJ knew the only way she was getting back into the BAU was by playing this man's game. It was a sick game, the kind of game that brought bile to the top of her throat and opened a cageful of butterflies inside her abdomen. It yanked her heart down into her stomach, where the butterflies greeted it with more anxiety. But still, she knew she had to play the game before she could win it._

" _Shaffer was the fourth," was what she said._

* * *

JJ pulled back from the kiss when a thought occurred to her. It was a sudden movement and it frightened Emily. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

The phrase left her lips as a panicked rant, racing towards its recipient as quickly as a beam of light. JJ smiled softly at her worried wife, pondering the ridiculous notion that Emily could have hurt her. She was barely touching her, and even so, that woman was incapable of hurting a fly, unless of course that fly threatened the blonde. Then Emily would be very capable of hurting that fly.

"Of course I'm okay, Em. Sorry I scared you,' the blonde whispered, both in an attempt to get Emily to relax and to make sure the twins didn't wake up. God knew when they last got a decent night's sleep or even felt safe in a house. JJ knew what that felt like, and hid a grimace at the thought. "I was just thinking…are we going to be okay, I mean, financially? With me not working and having two kids in the house."

Emily sighed. "I have about fifty grand in a savings account that my mother set up for me for college. I got a full ride multiple times so I never used much of it. It's totally in my name and everything so I wouldn't even need to tell her, which is good because borrowing money from my mother right now would be a little difficult, considering I just disowned her."

"You didn't have to go that far, Emily," JJ told her wife, adjusting her body to be completely facing the brunette.

"Yes, I did," the older profiler asserted. "She's a toxic presence in our lives and always has been. It's not good for me, for the twins, certainly not for you. She comes around once every few years to tell me how awful I am and how pathetic you are and then ignores me ninety-nine percent of the time. Did you know I called her almost a dozen times when you were missing last year? Not even a text in response…." Emily took a deep breath, fighting tears, but one fell anyway. JJ reached up to brush it away immediately. "I'm fine, Jen, really. She just reminded me of why I hate her, that's all."

JJ ignored the end of her statement. "I can't even imagine what you went through that day, and the weeks afterwards. I will never forgive her for what she did to you, Em. Never." JJ maneuvered herself so she was all but sitting on Emily's lap, moving to wrap her arms around her wife as the two sat against the wall in the hallway. "I just, I don't want you to be abandoned, Em. With your dad being gone and now your mom…."

Emily sniffed. "My dad didn't choose to leave me."

"I know, I just…I know what it feels like when a parent just leaves, and I just want you to talk to me, to acknowledge what you're feeling."

"I _wish_ she would just leave," Emily was finally able to articulate. "I don't want her to hang around like this anymore! I wish she would just cut the cord!" The brunette gently pushed her wife off of her and zoomed down the stairs, a wordless plea for JJ to follow left in the air.

When she got to the bottom of the stairs, the blonde saw her wife standing in the living room, looking out the window. This proved to JJ that Emily was really, really upset. JJ stepped gingerly towards her and wrapped her arms tightly around her from behind. "I'm here, Em," she whispered softly into the brunette's ear. "I'm safe. I'm not going anywhere."

Emily lifted her hands to rest them over JJ's hold on her, squeezing her forearms gently. "How dare she say those things about you? About those kids?" the agent whispered angrily.

JJ kissed Emily's cheek. "Her life doesn't have meaning like yours does, Em. That's how people like that comfort themselves, baby. You know that. People with no love in their lives try to deny it to others. You taught me that."

"I know," the brunette sighed, twisting herself to make eye contact with her wife. "But she…she never even tried to know you. And then I almost lost you…and I blamed myself and…it's a mother's job to comfort you, to tell you everything will be okay, and all she ever did was tell me the opposite." Emily took a deep breath, resting her forehead against JJ, drawing strength from the connection. "I almost lost you, and she didn't even care. My own mother."

Over the preceding year, Emily had allowed JJ to see what she had faced the day she was abducted very few times. And she revealed only guilt to her. Never loss. Almost never fear. JJ could tell that after all this time, the Ambassador had brought these emotions to the surface and her wife was finally exploding the box she had trapped herself in for almost eighteen months. JJ pulled Emily to her and wrapped her arms securely around her.

"I'm here, Emily. Let me take care of you. Please."

And the brunette finally let go.

* * *

 _"Jennifer, will you explain to me what you mean by that?"_

 _JJ didn't realize the path that revelation would take them down. For the first time, she was going to have to acknowledge to reality of the first years of her 'dating life' to someone who wasn't her wife or mother. "Before my abduction, I was in three abusive relationships," she choked out, fighting to remember that Emily was sitting right outside that door and a scream loud enough would have her bursting in the room in less than a second. She had her knight in shining armor. She was safe. "I was assaulted by all of them. Shaffer was the fourth."_

 _"Does your wife know about these attacks?" Dr. Alexander asked, calculated._

 _"She knows the basics about all of them. I can't tell her any more right now. She already has to much to deal with." The blonde agent, who knew she was not going to be cleared after this visit, began to spill her deepest worries to a man who knew nothing about her other than what was in her file and what she had just told him. "She can't know the details. She won't be able to handle it. I'm the reason she breathes, Dr. Alexander. It's not always like this, but when she learns something about my abduction or about my past relationships…it's like she has this bottle of love that fills more and more each time she learns about my trauma, and I'm afraid one day the top is going to blow. I mean, she's the reason…she's the reason…." JJ sighed, knowing a lot of what she said had not made much sense, but she had to stop talking, because if she finished that sentence, she would never be able to go back to work. "It's just really hard to share things with her. I don't want to hurt her anymore."_

 _"Agent Jareau, do you ever wish that you didn't survive your abduction?"_

* * *

Eventually, Emily was able to speak again. "Everyone talks about how I saved you, but the truth is you saved me. You save me every time I look at you. Being able to love you means more to me than anything in the world, and the fact that my mother can't recognize that…."

"It hurts. I know, Em. I'm so, so sorry. I've been through some horrendous things, Emily," JJ acknowledged, "I know that too, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel pain. My struggles do not invalidate your struggles, my love. It doesn't have to be that way."

A shaky sigh signaled to JJ that she was getting through to Emily. "You saved me too," JJ reminded her. "And I'm not talking about when you barged into that basement wielding your gun, all the while whispering words of comfort to me. I'm talking about your patience when we first started dating. I'm talking about your dedication to learning me and my triggers and my boundaries. I'm talking about those first few weeks after the abduction. When I was in my darkest place, you reminded me of why I wanted to survive it all in the first place. What your mother tells you is not true. We both know that a survivor is only a part of who I am, just like 'married to a survivor' is just one of thousands of accurate and descriptive titles you have."

Emily sniffed, deciding to be the one to lift the heaviness slightly. "Are you saying that this is an Elizabeth problem, not an Emily problem?"

JJ chucked slightly. "Pretty much."

The blonde pushed a sweaty strand of the brunette's hair behind her ear. "I'm not as good at this as you are. Do you need to cry some more or…?"

Emily laughed. "I'm okay. I'm just glad we're reaching a point where we both can acknowledge what we're feeling, ask for comfort, and move on."

"Do you remember when I was seeing the bureau shrink?" JJ asked.

Emily nodded. "Of course. You hated that guy."

JJ smiled. "He wasn't that bad. I just hated everything about my situation. Well, I spent the whole time I was seeing him trying to manipulate his tests, which I saw as mind games, so that he would clear me, and I feel like it would have been easier for me to actually have tried to cooperate. So basically, what I'm trying to say," JJ continued, knowing it was never a bad idea to clarify, "is that instead of telling me that you're okay, knowing that I'm aware it isn't true, just tell me the truth. Dr. Alexander cleared me the week I decided to actually answer his questions. He just wanted to know that I could acknowledge what I was feeling. And it took me a year to figure it out. Hindsight is 20/20."

"Does that mean that now is a good time to acknowledge that I should have literally kicked my mother out of the house?"

"Stop deflecting, love," JJ pointed out.

Emily nodded. "Duly noted. And this is not me deflecting by the way, but what did you and Francesca talk about before?"

JJ grabbed Emily's hand and led her to the couch. "You're not going to like it."

"Good thing we're not censoring ourselves anymore."

It was an almost carbon copy of many conversations they had had before. It was unhealthy for the couple to hold things back from each other for fear that it would cause distress. In reality, the truth was usually easier to take than the fact that they had been lied to. Both knew this logically, but a reminder was necessary periodically because their protective instincts often overpowered logic for the two women.

"Francesca was wondering if we were married."

"And you told her yes?" Emily clarified.

"Of course. But when I asked her why she said it, she asked me if you ever hit me."

Emily froze for a moment. "What?" she breathed. The thought itself knocked the air out of her lungs. "What made her think that?" the brunette questioned, fearing that her yelling at the Ambassador had made a worse impression than she originally thought.

The blonde sighed. "Her dad hit her mom. Her foster dad hit her foster mom. She put the pieces together. Married people hit each other."

"What did you tell her?"

"Well first I told her the truth," JJ started, placing a comforting hand on Emily's knee. "That you wouldn't lay a hand on me if there was a gun to your head." Emily raised her eyebrows. "That's not exactly what I told her, but basically…." JJ knew that nothing disturbed Emily more than the mere notion that she would hurt her wife physically. When JJ had the nightmare of Emily raping her, the brunette was torn up for days. When Brittany accused the brunette of being the very thing that JJ was most scared of, she had almost vomited. This was no different. "Em, she's not afraid of you. She's just afraid in general. I was too."

The brunette nodded, but she still wasn't completely present.

"I promise, Em. We're going to get her and Tony through all of this. They have scars, physical and emotional, but we'll teach them, we'll help them. Whether it's as their parents or whether it's as temporary caregivers, we'll do it. I already gave Francesca a quintessential Emily speech. It was pretty good, actually."

Emily nodded again and smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I would never hurt you…." She whispered, a reverent tone gracing her voice.

"I know, Em," JJ whispered back softly. "I know." The blonde wrapped Emily in a hug and the brunette hesitantly returned it after a few moments.

They stayed in the hug for several seconds until the doorbell rang. "Who could that be?" JJ asked, noting that it was not quite noon.

Emily pressed a quick kiss to JJ's forehead, still shaken up by her foster daughter's question and then stood to answer the door. "Is my mother back already? I swear to God, I will literally murder her!"

Emily yanked open the door.

 **AN: So who's at the door? Is it the Ambassador or someone else?**

 **I'm not very proud of this chapter, I feel like it's pretty jumbled, but I wanted to make sure I could update tonight, so please let me know what you think!-Gabby**


	29. Chapter 29

Strength and Healing

Chapter 29

 **AN: Here is chapter 29! I was going to update earlier in the week, but some really awful family stuff happened, and well I was pretty distracted. Looks like things will be as ok as they can possibly be though, so that's good. This is the first chapter I'm posting as an adult—haha, I turned 18 on August 8** **th** **. I'm also starting college on the 22** **nd** **, so that's kind of scary. Okay, enough about me. Here is the next chapter. I hope you like it. I enjoy writing JJ's mama bear side very much, especially cause Emily is usually the more protective of the two.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"Who will you literally murder?" the stern, stately black woman on the other side of the door interrogated.

Emily's eyes went wide. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that," she explained, rushed. "My mother angers me sometimes, but…." The social worker waited expectantly. "It's an expression. I am sorry that it was your first impression of us, Ms…." Emily reached out her hand to shake.

"Shayna Robinson. I'm Anthony and Francesca D'Agostino's case worker." She shook Emily's hand and then shifted her gaze to JJ, who was standing behind the brunette.

"I'm SSA Emily Prentiss and this is my wife, SSA Jennifer Jareau."

Ms. Robinson reached out to shake JJ's hand, eyeing her skeptically. "Ah. Yes. I've read your file."

Not exactly sure how this knowledge would impact the social worker's opinion of her, she changed the subject. "Why don't you come in? Would you like something to drink?"

The woman stepped into the house and Emily closed the door behind her. She ignored JJ's officer. "Where are the children?"

"They are upstairs, sleeping," Emily explained.

"That's fine for now," Ms. Robinson said, examining the first floor of the Prentiss house. "I need to do an inspection." The unfriendly woman took out a notepad and pen.

"Um…Ms. Robinson," Emily wondered, "we already had our inspection before we were approved for our license…."

'We have to do an inspection every time a child is placed with you. It's protocol," she replied absently, not looking at either of the women. "Agents, do you have any weapons in this house?"

"Uh, yes, we do," Emily replied. The social worker who performed their original inspection had assured them that it wouldn't be a problem. "We have two guns that we use in the field, but they're locked in a safe in our bedroom."

Ms. Robinson wrote something down and then continued to walk through the house, searching the majority of their possessions. It was much more invasive this time. The woman opened their refrigerator, went through their kitchen cabinets, perused their DVD collection, even counted their toilet paper rolls. JJ and Emily eyed each other occasionally. For a woman who seemed dedicated to such a thorough job, she sure let the twins' previous foster parents get away with a lot. JJ was sure that the amount of toilet paper in the Johnson house was not as satisfactory as the amount in their house. Eventually Ms. Robinson finished her tour of the first floor. "Agent Jareau," she addressed curtly.

The blonde jumped slightly and the social worker raised her eyebrows at her. "Yes, ma'am?" JJ asked, attempting to keep the residual anxiety in her voice to a minimum.

"Your…circumstances…." She mused.

JJ took a deep breath. "What about them?"

"Well, they almost caused your application to be denied. Are you sure these children are a good match for you?"

"Ms. Robinson," Emily jumped in, "my wife is perfectly capable of living her life normally. The decision to foster Anthony and Francesca was not made lightly."

The woman was silent, thinking for a moment. "Hmm…."

JJ didn't know whether saying something would hurt or help her case. She took the plunge anyway. "Actually, my _circumstances_ helped us make the decision. We think our experience and knowledge might assist us in helping the twins."

Ms. Robinson thought for a moment, and then accepted the explanation. "Very well then. How about we sit and talk, hmm?"

The agents knew it wasn't really a question.

"Of course," JJ was the first to reply.

The women led her to the kitchen table and she wasted no time sitting down at the head of it. "I'll have some coffee please. Black."

It had been a while since JJ had experienced being around someone who felt entitled enough to make a statement like that, and it threw her for a moment. Emily, noticing it, jumped in. "I'll get it, Jen," she spoke softly.

"So," the social worker started, opening the file in front of her. "Gabriela Cortez, their mother, was arrested two years ago for possession. She's set to be released in about a year, but has made it clear that she wants to relinquish custody of the twins permanently."

"Does she know that their father is dead?" Emily asked, placing a cup of coffee in front of the woman and then handed JJ some tea to calm her nerves.

Ms. Robinson nodded towards Emily, who took a seat next to JJ. "Yes, she knows what happened that day. The twins have no other family," she continued, "so they will be wards of the state until they are adopted or until they turn eighteen, whichever occurs first." Neither agent said anything, so she kept summarizing the file in front of her. "After they were seized from their father's home, they were sent to a group home. They lived there for six weeks. They were moved to the Johnson's home right after that. And now they're here."

"Were there ever any signs of abuse?" Emily asked, wondering about Tony's reaction to touch and Francesca's question about her relationship with JJ.

"We didn't find anything physical in the transition from their father's home to the group home or from the group home to Robert and Patricia Johnson's house."

"What about after the Johnsons' house?" the brunette asked.

"I'm the first case worker who's had a chance to see them since they were dropped off at the BAU this morning, which is one of the reasons I am here today. We didn't want to wait too long. I'm going to need to speak to both children."

JJ was beginning to battle with herself. This woman needed to document the Johnsons' abuse in the file in front of her, but Francesca would probably not disclose it. The blonde didn't recognize anything soft, gentle, or motherly about this women, qualities that the little girl clung too. If JJ mentioned it, it would get the conversation going, but would this break the ounce of rapport they had? "Um, Ms. Robinson, before we get the twins, I feel like it's my obligation to tell you that Francesca showed me a scar she has on her thigh earlier." Emily's eyes went wide. She had not yet shared this information with the brunette. "It looks like it's from a belt. Maybe three or four months old."

"Will you go get Francesca, please, Agent Jareau? If there is evidence of abuse on her, it's more important that I talk to her than her brother at the moment."

JJ nodded and looked at her wife apologetically before ascending the stairs.

In JJ's absence, Ms. Robinson turned to Emily. "Your relationship with Agent Jareau? Is it a stable one?"

"What do you mean by that, exactly?" the older agent asked.

"Do you fight often?" she asked. "Any physical altercations?" Emily frowned and shook her head. There it was again. Why did everyone think that she would even consider laying a single finger on her wife? "The twins seem to be triggered by yelling. And by what I heard before you opened the door before, you seem to have anger issues."

Emily shook her head. "I don't have anger issues. I was frustrated with my mother for saying some horrendous things to my wife, but I have never lashed out in anger. I've never physically harmed anyone, except for serial killers, and there is never yelling in this house." The information she supplied was mostly true. Emily had a tendency to become angry at anyone who had or had wished to cause harm to her wife, but that was it.

"Would it bother you if I confirmed that with Agent Hotchner at the BAU?"

"Of course not, Ms. Robinson. I'm sure everyone at the BAU would be happy to answer any questions you have."

Before the social worker could respond, JJ walked down the stairs, carrying a still sleepy Francesca. "She seems to have taken to Agent Jareau," Ms. Robinson acknowledged.

"My wife can be very maternal. Kids take to her very easily," Emily explained, a smile on her face. "Jen, is she awake?"

JJ nodded and then finished the walk to the couches in the living room. Emily and Ms. Robinson followed her in there. When they sat down, Francesca curled even further into JJ's embrace.

"Interesting pajamas…." The social worker noted.

"They didn't have anything but what they we wearing," JJ explained, before moving her gaze to Francesca. "Sweetheart, do you remember Ms. Robinson?"

Francesca peeked her head out just enough to see the woman, who was attempting to smile kindly at her. The little girl instantly began to cry. "She's the lady who took us to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. Please don't let her take us!" she sobbed.

JJ attempted to comfort her and Emily reached out to wipe away one of her tears, but Ms. Robinson didn't have time for those crocodile tears, or so she thought they were. "Francesca, I need to see the mark on your leg you told your foster mom about."

Francesca began to shake her head again and buried it even further into JJ's shoulder. "No," she cried.

"C'mon, Francesca, just show it to me." The social worker stood up and moved towards Francesca, who was still shaking her head and crying.

"Agent, I need you to lift her shirt so I can see it please."

JJ was shocked. "Ms. Robinson, do you really think forcing her to show you the scar is a good idea?"

The woman shrugged. "It's necessary."

JJ ran the fingers of her right hand through the girl's long dark hair. "No, it's not." The blonde was beginning to really regret bringing the scar up to begin with. "Francesca. Sweetheart, will you look at me for minute?"

The little girl sniffed and looked up at JJ and Emily, a level of fear in her eyes that sent both women back to the time when JJ routinely looked at Emily like that and it broke each of their hearts.

"Hey, sweetie," JJ said gently. "Will you go upstairs and wake up Tony while Emily and I talk to Ms. Robinson?"

Francesca nodded and wiped her own tear stained cheeks before bolting up the stairs.

Once she was out of sight, Ms. Robinson looked at JJ threateningly. "Agent Jareau, if you do not cooperate-"

JJ had to hold herself together while Francesca was with her, but now that she was with her brother, the blonde exploded in anger, interrupting the woman who was supposedly attempting to help these children. "I will _not_ re-traumatize that little girl! Do you not understand the significance of forcing a domestic violence survivor to do _anything_? A _child_ , no less…."

Ms. Robinson was dumbfounded, at a loss for words, but that didn't matter to JJ. She wasn't going to give the woman time to speak anyway.

"Jennifer," Emily warned her, fearful that the woman would take the twins away from them if JJ didn't control herself.

"No, Emily, this is important." JJ turned back to Ms. Robinson, who was still speechless. "Look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job."

"Then, don't," the woman managed to get out.

JJ just continued. "But not only have I studied behavior for more than ten years, I've been through some of the very things they have. Now, I don't know if you saw it, but Francesca was shaking in my arms, on the verge of a panic attack from just the thought of being forced to do something she didn't want to do. How is that helpful? How is escalating her anxiety and proving her fears as valid helping anything? You don't take down someone's walls by crashing into them. You have to remove them gradually, brick by brick, until there aren't any bricks left. Crashing into the wall doesn't help anything. The wall is still there, it's just broken even further…. This is a sensitive situation and it needs to be handled with care if we don't want to make it worse."

Ms. Robinson sighed. "So, what do you suggest we do?"

"Let me talk to her," JJ offered. "Explain the situation best I can…but if she still doesn't want to show you the scar, I _will not_ make her."

"Alright, new plan," she sighed, giving up. "Agent Prentiss, please bring Anthony down here so I can talk to him. Agent Jareau, go speak to Francesca."

Both agents nodded and walked up the stairs. "I'm sorry for causing this much drama," JJ whispered to Emily.

Emily shook her head. "Don't be, baby. You're doing the right thing by making it her choice. I'm proud of you, you know. Saying all those things to her, defending that little girl the way you did….Pretty brave." Emily smiled, giving JJ's hand a squeeze.

JJ smiled back, returning the gesture. "I learned from the best."

 **AN: What do you think? What do you think Francesca is going to decide to do? What do you want to see happen next? I was going to have JJ and Francesca's conversation in here, but it got too long, so I had to cut it. Reviews are slow the last few chapters. I hope all my readers are still there. I write for you guys (and myself—but you guys too!) Let me know what you think if you can please!**

 **-Gabby**


	30. Chapter 30

Strength and Healing

Chapter 30

 **AN: Here is chapter 30! I'll try to update next weekend, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I start college tomorrow! Equal parts excited and terrified. An extra trigger warning here, for conversation about the sexual assault of a child. Plug at the end for the song "Light in the Hallway" by Pentatonix.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Emily led Tony out of their bedroom as JJ sat down to talk with Francesca. She didn't quite know how to start the conversation. She already knew that the little girl didn't want to show Ms. Robinson the scar, so would trying to convince her to do so be as damaging as forcing her to? As knowledgeable as JJ was about trauma-based fear and anxiety, every person's situation was different, and being a child, Francesca had the potential to be far more easily triggered than JJ ever was. The awful part is JJ just didn't know. So she started at the beginning.

"Francesca, what do you think of showing Ms. Robinson your scar?" JJ asked gently, attempting to sound somewhat casual.

The little girl looked up at JJ, fingering a piece of her own hair, twirling it tightly in a fidgety way. "Which one?"

The nonchalance of the question broke JJ's heart. The little girl sounded as if having several scars all over her body was no big deal. Like it was normal. Sure, it was her normal, as it was JJ's, but it certainly wasn't normal by most people's standards.

"Just the one you showed me," the blonde replied softly after a moment. "We're not going to tell her about the others, or about Tony's. We don't want her to bother you guys anymore." She figured the one scar could be enough to get the Johnsons' fostering license removed, if not enough to send them to prison. JJ figured conviction was a long shot anyway, so why put the twins through the trauma of a trial, why even try, when failure was probable?

Although JJ wanted very much for the people who had hurt those kids to rot in prison for the rest of their lives, it was more important to her that the days of the twins being forced into situations that terrified them be over. It was more important for her to help them. Of course JJ also wanted to keep more kids out of that house, but at the expense of a little girl who had just begun to feel safe for the first time in…maybe ever? It didn't feel like a worthy exchange. JJ prayed that Francesca would show the social worker her scar…entirely of her own volition.

"If I show her my scar, will she take us away?"

The truth is JJ had no idea what would happen after Francesca showed Ms. Robinson her scar. She didn't seem to be very good at her job, and in fact, embodied everything that was wrong with the system. JJ knew many social workers who worked for child services were dedicated, talented individuals, who took the right things about their job seriously and cared more about the children they worked to protect than protocol. Ms. Robinson was not one of those people, and hence, she was unpredictable.

"No, sweetness. It'll probably make _her_ go away faster though," JJ promised, praying to a God she wasn't sure she believed in that she was telling the little girl the truth.

"But Tony and I can stay?" Something about JJ's previous answer didn't quite satisfy Francesca and she needed to clarify.

The question had an air of permanence to it and the blonde feared promising the twins anything about how long they were going to stay with them. The last thing JJ wanted to do was earn their trust and then break it, and she didn't see a way to be certain it wouldn't happen while still comforting the little girl in that moment. "She won't take you away. I promise."

Francesca thought for a moment. "Is JJ your real name?"

The change of subject gave JJ momentary whiplash. "It's a nickname. My full name is Jennifer."

"I wish I had a nickname," Francesca pondered aloud.

It occurred to JJ that the little girl had heard people who cared about JJ referring to her by her nickname, and by wanting a nickname, Francesca was really asking for someone to care about her. Tony had a nickname, which was given to him by his mother, and wasn't used by anyone but her and his twin sister, until JJ and Emily entered their lives.

The blonde thought for a moment. She had never liked the nickname Fran, and the little girl seemed a little young for such a name. She'd heard the name Frankie for Francesca before, but she also knew that Frankie was a common male name, and something about the little girl told JJ that she wouldn't appreciate a unisex name. She needed something unique, that reflected everything the extraordinary girl was. "Hmm…." JJ thought, and then something hit her. "What about Chess?"

"Like the game?"

JJ raised her eyebrows. Not many six-year-olds knew what chess was.

"My mommy used to play chess. She said it was a game for smart people. She said I was smart."

JJ smiled. "You are smart. You're very smart."

Francesca grinned. "I love it, JJ! Thank you!"

The blonde returned the little girl's hug. Francesca seemed very attached to JJ already, and the implications of it scared JJ, but she couldn't help but be equally attached to the little girl. _Chess_ , JJ thought. _I gave her a nickname. Like a mother…._

"JJ, can I ask you a question?" Chess asked, maneuvering herself off of the blonde's lap and facing her solemnly.

JJ didn't know what was going to hit her next, but she pledged to be as honest with the little girl as possible. "Sure."

"You know how you told me that it's not okay for anybody to hit anybody?" JJ nodded. "Did Emily tell you that?" Another nod. "Is that because someone used to hit you?"

This little girl was perceptive beyond belief. JJ couldn't keep up with her thought process. She was always one step ahead of her, like a skilled chess player.

JJ nodded slowly, but said nothing. Chess took on the tone JJ had used when speaking to her about the little girl's previous home. "Who? Was it more than one person?"

The blonde almost laughed as she nodded. Maybe Chess should be her own social worker. This girl was insightful, intelligent, patient, and best of all, she possessed a wisdom that's softness spoke volumes. "I don't understand why anyone would want to hurt you, JJ. You're so nice."

It was the age-old question. The reason JJ had joined the FBI.

 _Why?_

"I don't understand either, Chess," JJ said. It was true. JJ understood behavioral science, what makes a serial killer a serial killer, what makes a rapist a rapist, objectively. But how could even the most educated person ever understand why human being would take pleasure in harming another human being? A child? It was beyond comprehension.

"But what I do understand, Chess, is this: I am safe here. Emily is nothing like those people. Nothing like the people who hurt me and nothing like the people who hurt you. It might take a while for you to feel safe, but I promise, you are. We will never force you to do anything you don't want to do. Never."

"So I don't have to show her the scar?"

JJ smiled softly, reaching out to brush a piece of hair behind Chess's ear. She didn't flinch. "No, baby, you don't."

Francesca looked confused. "What will happen if I don't though?" she questioned with a pressed frown.

"What do you mean?"

"Will I be in trouble?" Chess shook her head. "I don't want to be in trouble. I'll show her the scar. I promise." The small girl began to cry. "I just don't want to be in trouble. Please."

JJ slid off the bed and kneeled down in order to be at eye level with Francesca. The girl's breathing was becoming labored and her tears were coming faster now. The blonde knew she was having a panic attack. Tears pooled in JJ's eyes when she imagined how many times this girl must have had panic attacks left uncomforted, or how many panic attacks got her in even more trouble. JJ shook the thoughts away. Those days were over for her.

"Francesca, I need you to listen to me. You will never be in trouble for not wanting to do something like that. I promise you. Do you understand what I am telling you?"

The girl nodded, but her breathing hadn't slowed. JJ knew she needed to help ground her before the attack got out of control. "Francesca, can you take a deep breath in for me, like this?" She demonstrated, and Chess did her best to follow. "Good, now breathe out, like this." She demonstrated once more. "Good girl." JJ reached out and took one of the little girl's hands, holding it against her chest, so she could feel her breathing and heartbeat. "Can you feel me breathe?" Francesca nodded. "Can you try to breathe when I breathe, sweetie?"

Her breathing began to slow, but she was still crying and was still pale. "Okay, we're going to try something. Do you trust me, Chess?"

"Yes," the girl managed to get out in between breaths, fear lacing each of her tiny features.

"Do you know how to count?" Francesca nodded. JJ squeezed her hand. "Okay, I need you to find five things you can see. You don't have to tell me what they are. Just tell me when you have five." After about thirty seconds, the girl nodded. "Good. Okay, find four things you can touch." JJ watched as Francesca released her hand and reached out to the things surrounding her. She touched JJ's hair, the bed beneath her, the fabric of her T-Shirt, and then grasped JJ's hand once more in her own. She nodded. "Perfect. Can you find three things you can hear?" Francesca thought for about ten seconds, and then nodded. "I need you to find two things you can smell. This is a little hard. Take your time." After about a minute, the little girl nodded. "Great. Alright, last one. Can you think of one thing you can taste?"

Chess looked confused. "I'm not eating anything," she said. Her voice was raspy and a little labored, but she had clearly calmed significantly.

JJ laughed gently. "I know, sweetie, but can you taste something in your mouth anyway?"

Chess shrugged. "My spit?"

The blonde smiled. "That works," she assured as Francesca giggled quietly.

JJ sighed in relief. The Five-Four-Three-Two-One method of grounding that she had just used to de-escalate Francesca's panic attack had worked for her in the past. Emily had shared it with her in the beginning of their relationship. She had even used it with victims in the field during cognitive interviews. JJ used it whenever she was nervous. It was a miracle in her life and she was pleased that it had seemed to work for Francesca. "Sweetie, do you think you might be able to remember that? So if you ever get scared and Emily and I aren't there, you can make yourself feel better?"

Francesca thought for a moment. "Five things I can see. Four things I can touch. Three things I can hear. Two things I can smell. And one thing I can taste. Right?"

JJ nodded. "Yep, that's perfect."

"JJ, I don't want to show Ms. Robinson my scar. She scares me."

"That's absolutely okay, Chess. Do you want to come downstairs with me and tell her you're not ready?"

Francesca nodded. "Will you be there?"

"I'll be right next to you."

* * *

 _The day the two women had admitted they loved each other had been a day of firsts for JJ. They had sat down together and discussed where they were. JJ had hesitantly told Emily that she wanted to move into their relationship slowly. She had told her that it had been a while since she had dated anyone and didn't want to rock the boat too much quite yet. They had a lot of reasons to be cautious in their new relationship. The blonde was shocked at how receptive Emily had been, how understanding, how patient she seemed to be. JJ considered telling the brunette that she had had bad experiences in her past relationships, but she had just gotten Emily and didn't want to ruin everything just yet._

 _It was after several moments of quiet that Emily allowed herself to scoot closer to her new girlfriend and gently ask, "Can I kiss you?"_

 _JJ hesitated to answer. She didn't understand. Why was Emily asking for permission to kiss her?_

 _Emily didn't understand either. Why was JJ acting like she'd never been kissed before?_

 _Emily broke the silence. "It's okay if you're not ready for that. We can watch a movie and…and cuddle, unless you don't want to do that either. That's okay too. We can just talk." The brunette rambled, desperately trying to make JJ comfortable. She didn't know much about why JJ was nervous about this, but she did know that what really mattered was that she show JJ that her pace was their pace._

" _No, I…I want to kiss you. If you want to…."_

 _Emily smiled softly before leaning in so their foreheads were touching. "Are you sure?" she asked, sensing JJ's nervousness._

 _JJ nodded and waited, wanting to allow Emily to lead the kiss. She wouldn't know how anyway._

 _When their lips touched, JJ couldn't help the smile that invaded her features. She had never felt anything like this before. It was like Emily was saying the words_ I love you _with her lips. This was foreign territory, and this, like Emily asking for permission, was somewhat confusing to her. But if this is what their relationship was going to be like, JJ couldn't even begin to imagine what awaited her in the future._

* * *

Francesca had bravely told Ms. Robinson that she wasn't ready to show her the scar on her leg, but maybe one day she would be. She had asked if it would be okay to call her one day when she was ready, and the social worker had speechlessly handed the little girl her card before nodding to the two agents, making sure they knew she would follow up, and left with a slam of the door. Tony jumped at the sound, but a comforting arm around his shoulders offered by Emily relaxed him significantly.

"So we get to stay here?" The little boy asked. "At least for a while?"

Emily nodded. "Yes, sir."

"And the mean lady is gone?" Chess clarified.

JJ nodded, and the sound of the car zooming away confirmed it.

Francesca's belly growled and she gasped, placing her hands over her abdomen as if to silence it. JJ placed a hand on Chess's head and laughed. "Time for lunch?" she suggested.

The twins were surprised at the portions that were placed in front of them, but after some encouragement, they cleared their plates gratefully. The two women and the twins then sat around JJ's laptop as they ordered some clothes and then rushed the delivery.

The next step was school. The agents knew the kids needed some time to adjust before going to school. They hadn't yet completed the first grade, and the women feared the twins would be taken away if they did not go to school soon. They decided to give Tony and Chess two weeks before beginning the process of registration.

Hotch dropped off a box of Jack's hand-me-downs for emergency use, including several pairs of underwear. Chess was not going to enjoy wearing Avengers underwear, but it was better than nothing.

When it was time for everybody to get ready for bed that night, Emily approached her wife with a plan. "I'll help Tony wash up and you can help Francesca. She seems to be most comfortable with you."

JJ nodded and the two women set out on their task.

Emily found another T-Shirt for Tony and gave him a pair of Jack's old underwear. He had been relatively easy to care for that evening, politely saying "no thank you" when the brunette asked if he wanted to take a shower or bath.

The brunette tucked him in, delivered him a glass of water, told him he could get up to use the bathroom if he needed to, and made sure he knew that she and JJ were just down the hall if he needed anything else. She sat quietly outside the bedroom door until she heard snoring. She heard water running in the guest bathroom, so she assumed Francesca had opted to take a bath. The agent walked back into her bedroom, waiting there for JJ.

An hour later, a dismal looking JJ dragged herself into the bedroom she shared with her wife. Emily noticed her face and body language immediately. "Hey, are you okay?" Emily asked, sitting up from her lounged position, immediately concerned.

JJ simply shook her head in the negative and went to sit on the edge of the bed. Emily moved to sit next to her. "What happened?" she asked.

"Francesca," JJ began. "She wanted to take a bath. And I thought, 'hey, that's great, she trusts me.'"

"Yeah?" Emily prompted.

"She got in and then looked at me…like she was waiting for something. She asked why I wasn't getting in too."

Emily's breath caught in her throat. "Oh my God…."

"She said Mr. Johnson would make her take a bath with him every night."

Emily's face was pained. "Jen…." She didn't know what to say.

"I'm okay…." JJ reassured her. "It's just…I was ten years older than them when I was with Erin. And I still didn't understand…..I was so scared…all the time. I can't imagine being that little….Elizabeth used to assault me in the bathtub. Erin did it once or twice, but it was Elizabeth's favorite place…." JJ's voice trailed off at the end and then she went silent.

JJ's silence scared Emily, so she moved to kneel in front of her. It was the only way to assure they could look at each other. Emily could almost see what went on in her wife's head in this position. The brunette clasped each of her wife's hands in her own. "I'm okay, Emily," JJ promised. "I'm not going to have a flashback or a panic attack. I'm just…really, really sad."

Emily squeezed JJ's hands. "We had a feeling about this," she offered.

"Doesn't make it any easier," the blonde whispered.

"I know, sweetheart. I hate it too. I feel like I'm going to vomit," Emily admitted, a rare declaration of how this was affecting her.

"What do we do?" JJ asked. The question was directed at Emily, but is was more for the universe around them.

"You know what we do," Emily told her. "We love them. We give them time. We have to make whatever time we have with them count."

JJ nodded. "I did the Five-Four-Three-Two-One method with her earlier. She was afraid she was going to be in trouble for not showing Ms. Robinson her scar."

"Maybe one of the things we do for them is get them a new social worker," Emily suggested.

"I wouldn't be opposed to that," JJ smiled. "But, um…after she finally fell asleep, I wrote the steps down on a piece of paper, in case she wakes up and forgets where she is. I left the light on for her too. Made a path of shoes from the guest room to here. I left the light in the hallway on too."

"All good ideas," Emily said. 'What do you say we get some sleep? The light's on if they need us."

JJ nodded. She fell asleep in Emily's arms, thinking about some of the lyrics to the song "Light in the Hallway" by the acapella group Pentatonix. She sent the words in the twins' direction.

 _You won't need me forever_

 _But I'll still be here_

 _For we all have our nightmares_

 _Even me, my dear_

 _From now on, if you need me_

 _You can sing this song_

 _There's a light in the hallway_

 _Burning all night long_

 _So count your blessings every day_

 _It makes the monsters go away_

 _And everything will be okay_

 _You are not alone_

 _You are right at home_

 _Goodnight, goodnight_

 _Goodnight, goodnight_

 **AN: I've never ended a chapter with song lyrics before, but this seemed like a good choice. I had the song in my head for the whole chapter. Please let me know what you think!**


	31. Chapter 31

Strength and Healing

Chapter 31

 **AN: Here is chapter 31! After this chapter, I'm going to start moving through time some. Thank you all for your continued support—each and every review means so much to me. Especially you guys who review every chapter—I look forward to hearing from each of you. Just an update on my life, college is going well so far. I really am enjoying being a social work major. I doubt you all have any questions about that, but if you do, I'd be glad to answer them. I feel like I'm writing flashbacks of the past too much with this story. I know I said I was doing them less frequently, but every time I write a chapter, I get inspired. You like all the italics I have in my chapters, right? I also feel like every chapter now has an extra special trigger warning, but with the content I write, it should be expected. So be mindful, my loves.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Several nights after the twins first came home with Emily and JJ, it stormed. And it was loud. The thunder shook the house as its residents slept, and Emily was the first to be jarred awake. After a panicked second of not knowing what the sound was from, she realized it was just loud thunder, and she relaxed, shifting her attention to JJ. The two women slept practically on top of each other every night. They always had. But JJ especially needed the physical contact to sleep.

The blonde never liked storms, even as a child, and on many occasions had slept in her mother's bed. As an adult her fear of storms became less about the danger involved and more about the volume at which the electricity in the sky rumbled and cracked, as if two gargantuan clouds were brawling viciously in the sky above her. Loud noises were her worst enemy. JJ had always been jumpy, but in the past year, she had been _jumpy_. The kind of jumpy that caused anyone she didn't know well in the immediate vicinity of her to look at her with a raised eyebrow, and ask almost condescendingly, "are you okay?", knowing full well the answer was a resounding no. She would smile sadly and shrug, or if she was in the mood to make someone feel bad and go away, she would whisper, "I actually have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." The face she got in return was the same each time, before the offending person's eyes hit the floor and they walked away, somewhat embarrassed, pity gracing their features as they looked back once more at JJ's receding form, imagining—probably accurately—the cause of JJ's illness.

Emily knew it wouldn't be long before the sound of thunder woke her sleeping wife, so she adjusted herself, pulled JJ even closer to her than before, and waited. The first thing she noticed was a small whimper before JJ, still sleeping, white-knuckled Emily's T-shirt.

 _Boom!_

The blonde's entire body jumped, becoming air-borne for a fraction of a second, before landing with a jolt, a wild fear in her precious blues. " _Emily_ ," she gasped desperately, begging the woman to ground her before she really started panicking. The brunette knew that look. JJ had had a flashback. To what specifically, she didn't know. It didn't really matter.

Emily sat up, and then carefully brought JJ entirely on her lap, cradling her tenderly, while whispering words of comfort and love. "Take deep breaths. I'm right here."

Any loud noise brought JJ back.

The thunder was everything that had happened to her:

The slam of Shaffer's car door after he had successfully lured his intended victim.

The shake of the basement door as he left the room, leaving JJ cold, confused, bleeding, and desperate for death on the floor.

Erin's cell door clattering closed after she had been alone with her for the first time in twenty years and the last time ever.

It was JJ pulling on the handcuffs Elizabeth had used to tie her to the bed. Or the sound of the bath jets starting up after she had forced her to get in the bathtub.

But it wasn't real. It _had_ been real, of course, but it wasn't anymore. Because JJ wasn't in Shaffer's basement, or in his car, or in Quantico with Erin, or with Lizzy in the apartment they had shared.

She was in bed with Emily.

The safest place she had ever been.

Arguably, the safest place on _Earth_.

"Jen," Emily whispered softly, not wanting to jar her too much.

"I'm here," the blonde replied, knowing the brunette was simply trying to be certain she had returned to the present. A crack of thunder shook the room and JJ buried her head into Emily's neck, inhaling the scent that she, after almost a decade, had determined to be a scent that meant safety. A small whimper escaped her throat against her will, and she buried herself even further in her wife's embrace.

Emily mirrored JJ's previous words: "I'm here." This time they were used a statement of comfort.

"Emily," JJ whispered, pained, trying desperately to believe that Emily was who she was with. That it was Emily's arms who enveloped her now. That if she wiggled hard enough or asked her to, Emily would instinctively let her go. Not that she wanted that to happen. No. There was no place in the world she would rather be than in Emily's protective arms.

Emily knew that it was bad. Whatever the blonde had seen, heard, or felt as the thunder ripped through her soul had been intense. She could feel it in the grip her wife had on her shirt, could hear it in her labored breathing, could see it in the way her body trembled, despite being held securely in the other woman's arms. This was the type of flashback JJ normally had only on anniversary dates, so Emily knew the thunder was not the only catalyst. "You're okay, Jennifer. You're right here with me, sweetheart," the brunette whispered, gingerly brushing sweaty strands of hair back while rocking the shaking woman back and forth slowly. "I've got you, my love. You're safe."

Emily couldn't keep the tears from pooling in her eyes. She knew a part of her wife was somewhere else, and sometimes, it took time to bring her back completely. Sometimes all she could do was hold her and comfort her, and sometimes that wasn't enough.

"I'm safe," JJ whispered in return, like a mantra. "I'm safe," she repeated, clutching tightly to her only anchor to the real world. Her Emily. Her knight in shining armor. Her angel.

Emily leaned down to press a kiss to the top of JJ's head, letting her lips linger for several seconds as she felt the blonde's body begin to relax. After a moment, the former media liaison spoke quietly, as if speaking any louder with cause the thunder to come back with a vengeance. "You know how people say that see their life flash before their eyes?"

JJ looked up so her eyes met the concerned chocolate ones staring down at her. After a moment, the brunette nodded. "It was like that just now, except it was every time…with Shaffer and Lizzy and Erin and Brittany. I saw every time. Felt it, even. For a split second, I thought I was dying."

The older profiler took a deep breath. She reached for JJ's hand gently and placed it over her own heart. "You feel your heart beating?" JJ nodded. "That's why we call you a survivor."

* * *

 _"Emily, I'll take care of this son of a bitch," Morgan told the brunette, his eyes shifting to JJ, still in the chair, still shivering. "Go be with your wife. I'll send EMS down."_

 _Emily didn't reply as she watched the man she saw as a big brother all but drag the animal up the stairs and out of his basement. She immediately went back to kneel in front of her wife. "Emily," JJ whispered, in disbelief. Her angel had found her. How could she have ever doubted her team's ability to break the case?_

 _The brunette couldn't help the relieved smile that momentarily formed on her lips as she promised, "I'm here."_

 _"How much longer do we have to wait?" JJ's voice weakly questioned. The longer she was in the basement, the longer she would be affected by what had happened there. The blonde knew that._

 _Emily wrapped the blanket even tighter around her wife. "Not long, baby. The ambulance will be here soon and we're going to get you out of here, I promise."_

 _"I'm cold, Emily." JJ had said this before, and the brunette knew the woman had lost a lot of blood. She could see some of it on the floor. She was kneeling on some of it. Emily moved her hand quickly up and down the blonde's uninjured arm, hoping to rub the goose bumps away. "And everything hurts," she whimpered._

 _Emily could barely hold herself together. She knew what had happened to Shaffer's other victims before they died, so she had a pretty good idea of what had happened to her wife. She didn't want to acknowledge any of it. Maybe they had gotten there in time. From the defeated look in the blonde's usually vibrant eyes, however, Emily knew she had to accept that even though they had arrived in time to save her life, they hadn't arrived in time to save her dignity. JJ would never be the same._

 _If the brunette had thought that her previous statements had broken her heart, it was what JJ whispered next that truly shattered it to pieces. "Please don't leave me. I can't do this without you."_

 _Emily had said nothing, but had gingerly removed the blonde from the icy chair she had been tied to and held her tightly against her chest. She knew the maneuver had the potential to injure the woman further, which is why she had left her in the chair until now, but she was now desperate to get her point across. She felt JJ wince as her hand grazed the bare skin of her ribcage, but she knew from the way her wife clutched her blouse in her hand that the blonde preferred the physical pain to the emotional. "We're gonna get you out of here and I'm going to be with you the entire time, sweetheart. I promise."_

 _The tears that had been rolling down JJ's cheeks came faster now. "I'm so sorry, Emily. Please don't leave me."_

 _"I am not going to leave you," Emily promised explicitly._

 _Emily heard the EMTs rush down the stairs, but JJ heard their voices. "Don't let them touch me, Em. Please."_

 _The brunette turned to the men who had entered the room, standing up with her wife in her arms. "Let me carry her up the stairs, please."_

 _"Ma'am," one of the EMTs said, "she could have a spinal injury. We need to stabilize her down here before we bring her to the ambulance."_

 _JJ had clutched onto Emily's shirt even tighter. JJ didn't care about a spinal injury. She didn't want any of these strange men to touch her. "Please," Emily had replied. "Just let me carry her upstairs."_

 _The men relented and cleared the way for Emily to walk up the stairs. Waiting outside was the rest of the team, including Morgan, who had told the rest of them that their friend was conscious, but seriously injured._

 _Emily made eye contact with Hotch, communicating clearly that it was bad._

 _And it was. Emily hadn't told anyone this, but the blonde had coded in the ambulance. Twice. It was during the length of the second offending beep that Emily had whispered tearfully to the blonde, "I told you I would never leave you. And I meant it. You don't get to leave me now. Stay with me. I can't do this without you either." The moment the last word had left Emily's lips, the EMT's shot of Epinephrine worked._

 _And JJ's heart had continued to successfully beat for over a year._

 _She was a survivor, in every sense of the word._

* * *

Emily could listen to and feel JJ's heartbeat all day. It brought her such a sense of peace.

JJ leaned her head into Emily's so that their foreheads were touching. "Why did I have a flashback like that?" she asked the air mostly.

Emily tried to answer anyway. "I guess that everything with the twins—"

JJ gasped and pulled away, startling the brunette. "The twins! I have to check on the twins. Stay here." If the brunette was needed, she would call her. JJ bounded down the hallway. The older woman felt a little guilty. Her wife's reaction to the weather had garnered all of her attention and until that very moment, the twins hadn't even occurred to her.

The Prentisses had moved some stuff around and had bought a new bed so that the twins now had their own rooms. They hadn't decided for sure to keep them, but it was pretty apparent that the arrangement would at least be semi-permanent. Tony was still sleeping soundly; something that had surprised JJ was that the boy seemed to sleep pretty comfortably. His main issue was protectiveness over his sister, which made sense.

JJ hadn't spoken much to Francesca about what had happened to her in the Johnsons' house, deciding with Emily that they would wait until the girl brought it up again. That night, the little girl had barely managed to fall asleep before the storm started. JJ found her sitting on her bed, curled up in a ball and crying silently. The blonde creaked open the door slowly before knocking gently. Francesca jumped. "JJ?" she whispered.

"Hey there, bug, what's going on?" JJ walked the rest of the way into the room, moving to stand in front of the bed.

"The storm woke me up," she explained.

"Does thunder scare you, Chess?" JJ asked.

The little girl nodded. "I don't like loud noises."

"Me neither," JJ agreed, empathy lacing her voice. "Can I ask you a question, sweetie?"

Francesca nodded expectantly.

"Do you ever, I don't know, hear a loud noise and then maybe see something that isn't there?" JJ wasn't trying to diagnose her foster daughter with PTSD per se, she was just trying to see where she was with processing what had happened to her.

The little girl nodded. "Yeah," she whispered. "Sometimes I hear things too."

JJ sat down gently on the bed next to the little girl. "Like what?"

"Mr. Johnson," she muttered softly.

"That must be scary," JJ told her understandingly. "You have nightmares too?"

Francesca nodded. "Do you?"

JJ nodded and reached to wrap and arm around the girl. "What do you say we get you washed up? We'll get you some water, you can use the bathroom, that kind of thing, hmm?"

Chess shook her head no vigorously. "I don't want to get up."

"Why is that?"

She tried to shrug it off nonchalantly, but couldn't help the subtle shift her eyes made downward. It was in situation like these that JJ was grateful for her career choice. "Baby, did you wet the bed?"

Chess's eyes went wide. _How did she know?_ "I'm really sorry, JJ. I'll clean it up, I promise."

Before JJ could assure her that it was okay, a clap of thunder split the house, and Emily heard an uncontrollable yelp of fear from both of them from across the house. The brunette bolted into the room, finding JJ and Francesca tightly wrapped around each other. Francesca saw the woman first.

"Emily, I'm sorry!"

Emily took a deep breath. This felt like a test. Could she comfort both of them at the same time? "What are you apologizing for, sweetie?" The brunette watched as Chess slowly released her clutch on JJ.

"I didn't mean to wake you up."

"You didn't wake me up, sweetheart. I was already up. I came in to check on you guys." The brunette's eyes met JJ's. "Are you okay, Jen?"

JJ nodded. As both women turned their attention back to Francesca, they both realized she was crying. "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about, princess?" Emily was genuinely confused.

"She wet the bed," JJ explained to Emily as Chess latched on to the blonde once more.

Emily nodded in understanding. "Hey. Francesca, are you afraid that you're in trouble?" The little girl nodded. "You're not in trouble, baby. It was an accident. You didn't do anything wrong." At the realization that she wasn't in trouble, Chess released her hold on JJ and launched herself into Emily's arms.

The brunette eagerly wrapped her arms around the little girl. "Francesca, what do you think about having a sleepover with me and JJ tonight? That way, if you're scared of the storm and JJ is scared of the storm, you guys can talk to each other to feel better?"

The little girl thought about it for a moment, pondered if she truly trusted these two women not to hurt her. And she came to the realization that she did, for the most part at least. She nodded with a small smile. "What about my sheets?"

Emily placed the little girl on the ground. "I'll throw them in the washing machine and meet you guys in our room, okay?"

Chess nodded and of her own volition reached for JJ's hand. Emily kneeled down to press a kiss to the child's forehead. "You're safe here, Francesca. Can you try to remember that for me?"

The little girl nodded once again.

Emily stood up, this time pressing a kiss to JJ's forehead, and then softly kissing JJ on the lips, lingering for a moment. "The same goes for you. You're safe too."

 **AN: So, what do you think? I finally finished the story of what happened during JJ's rescue. I thought it went well with this chapter. Your thoughts? What do you want to see next? Please leave a review.**

 **-Gabby**


	32. Chapter 32

Strength and Healing

Chapter 32

 **AN: Here is chapter 32. I think if my schedule doesn't get too much worse, I'll be able to update about three times a month. I'm sorry for the sparse updates, but I don't want to throw you guys trash, so I'm going to have to sit down and spend some time with each chapter. This chapter takes place almost two weeks after the last one. It's mostly centered on JJ. The next chapter will be mostly about the twins.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

Emily and JJ had just finished clearing the table after lunch when the doorbell rang. JJ shrugged at Emily and then walked to the door to see who was there. She opened it slowly to see a young blonde woman with a clipboard. "Hi," JJ greeted, attempting to sound pleasant.

A genuine smile appeared on the younger woman's face. She was maybe twenty-five. "Hi! You're Mrs. Prentiss, right? Or do you prefer Agent Jareau?"

The agent looked at the woman, confused, for a moment, and before she could reply, the woman with the clipboard came to life. "Oh! I'm so sorry. I forgot to introduce myself." She reached out a friendly hand to shake. "My name is Cassidy Lane. I'm going to be handling the twins' case from now on."

JJ shook the woman's hand. "Oh…um, what happened to Ms. Robinson?"

The social worker frowned. "Oh, you didn't know? She moved to a new agency. Her caseload was transferred to me."

Emily, only hearing bits and pieces of the conversation, decided to make her presence known. When the social worker saw her, her eyes lit up. "Agent Prentiss? Hi, I'm Cassidy."

Emily reached out her hand to shake. "Hey, I'm Emily. Nice to meet you. Did you say Ms. Robinson is gone?"

Cassidy nodded. "I'm looking forward to working with you guys, and I'd be glad to explain…."

"Of course," Emily invited. "Come on in."

"Where are the twins?" she asked casually, stepping into the house.

"Uh, they're upstairs. We went to the park earlier, so they were tired. Do you need to talk to them?" JJ asked.

"Maybe later," the woman replied with a smile. "It's no big deal for now. Let them rest."

"Well, then, come sit down," Emily insisted. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm good, thanks though." The woman sat down. "I hope I'm not interrupting any plans. I was told you both knew about the case transfer."

"Oh, no, it's okay," JJ assured her, sitting down. "So, what happened with Ms. Robinson?"

There were so many striking differences between the two social workers. Cassidy seemed genuinely glad to be there, actually excited to do her job. The woman sighed. "I only worked with her for like a week, and it's certainly not my place to make a character judgement, but I think the job made her cold. And it's probably not a good idea to be a social worker for child services if you're not a warm person."

"So, did she just leave?" Emily asked.

Cassidy nodded. "Pretty much. She handed me her files and gave me the details on each case. It's pretty big collection for a first caseload."

"So, you're not just the twins' new social worker, you're a new social worker, period?" Emily clarified.

"Am I that obvious?" What was most obvious is that Cassidy was embarrassed.

JJ smiled. "Hopefully, we won't be too hard for you to deal with."

Cassidy laughed nervously. "I don't think so. You guys seem really nice. I appreciate that. The people at the house I just came from asked me if I'd graduated high school yet."

"Well, blonde to blonde," JJ giggled, "I have to tell you that that kind of thing doesn't go away. Especially the men that you work with will probably infantilize you until you're in your late thirties. Don't let it bother you. You know your worth."

"Thanks for telling me that, Agent Jareau. I probably needed to hear that."

"Don't mention it. And call me JJ."

"I'm sorry, I've just never met an FBI Agent before. I definitely don't want to offend you guys."

Both agents smiled kindly. She had come in wielding "Mrs. Prentiss" almost as if it meant the same thing as "I respect you, I promise!"

"No worries. We're just people," Emily told her.

If she were being honest, JJ didn't like being referred to as Agent Jareau at this point. She would always be an FBI Agent, whether or not she returned to work (though she hoped she would), but she had made the decision to step away from the bureau to be a civilian, to foster the twins, to find herself again.

Cassidy nodded. "People older than me we're calling me Ms. Lane earlier and I am not a fan of that. I'm here to help you guys; I'm definitely not your superior. So if you get to be JJ and Emily, I'm definitely Cassidy."

"So, Cassidy, did you come to introduce yourself or is there something else-?"

"Oh, yes. Well, I'd like to introduce myself to the twins and try to talk to each of them. I've been made aware of Shayna Robinson's methods, and I'm not like that. I just want to get to know them a little and see where that goes. Is that okay?"

"Of course."

"Awesome. Well, I'd also like to talk to you both a little bit first."

JJ and Emily both nodded for her to continue.

"There is a lot we don't know about the twins' history. Ms. Robinson said there was physical evidence of abuse, which Francesca disclosed to you, JJ, but not to her…."

"Uh…yeah," JJ replied after a moment. "She didn't feel comfortable showing her the scar, so I didn't make her."

"I think that was the right decision," Cassidy assured. "I don't know how pertinent this is, but I wanted you guys to know that I come from an abuse background as well."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Emily told her.

"You know, it's okay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to become a social worker."

JJ nodded. She understood perfectly.

"I wanted to make sure you knew though because of the twins and also because some of what I've read in your file, JJ, is pretty similar to my situation. I approach problems in my life through a social work lens as well as the lens of a survivor. I think it'll make me better at my job, certainly, it'll make be better at helping kids like Anthony and Francesca. All that is to say: I do not plan on forcing or even much encouraging the twins to disclose abuse to me. It needs to happen naturally and it its own time. If they mention something, I'll dig a little, but only gently, and not for too long. I know, in my experience, there's nothing that freaks me out more than when people just jump in and start asking questions. There's nothing helpful about that at all."

"Thank you for sharing that with us," JJ told her kindly. It was a bit of a feat to disclose to anyone, even to another survivor, so the blonde didn't take this confession lightly. She already liked Cassidy, and saw a passion in her that she could definitely relate to.

"Yeah," Emily agreed softly. "Thank you."

JJ couldn't help the small bit of curiosity that grew within her. What in her file reminded Cassidy of her situation? Who was it? Was it Erin and her sociopathic manipulation? Was it Brit's willful ignorance? Was it similar to Lizzy's misunderstanding of how submission should work? And could it be…was she abducted like JJ was? The agent didn't even know how much detail was in her file. She knew the gory details of Shaffer were in every file about her, every google search that contained her name, every medical record anyone could look for….But with the exception of a vague summary of Erin, anything on the women she "dated" would have had to come from her own lips. Was there one master disclosure file somewhere with the title "Agent Jareau was Sexually Assaulted by These People and Here's How"?

JJ hated that she couldn't talk to another survivor about his or her experience without comparing it to herself. Was that common? Universal even? Was it just JJ who couldn't separate herself from sexual assault, anyone's sexual assault?

"Jennifer?"

The blonde could tell from the tone in Emily's voice that she had been calling her for a while, which meant JJ had completely checked out. "Are you okay, Jen?"

JJ nodded. "Yeah, I was just thinking…um, about the twins. Do you think we should let them talk to us as they want to, completely, I mean? I know for me, I definitely need some prompting. We haven't known the twins long enough to really understand how they cope and under what circumstances they'd be willing to talk. Francesca seems to need to be asked, but in an indirect way. Tony hasn't talked much."

Emily was still concerned about the almost blackout she had witnessed her wife have. JJ rarely went that far away when she thought. She knew something had occurred to her that had made her uncomfortable, may have even triggered her, so she discreetly reached under the table to place a steadying hand on her wife's thigh, squeezing gently. The brunette felt a distinct twitch in the leg below her hand before the blonde relaxed.

They made eye contact for a moment, but their gaze shifted back to Cassidy when she began to speak. "That's pretty much why I'm here. I want to talk to them casually, maybe with a distraction like coloring involved, just to see how they communicate. I want to start with it being just one-on-one with me and each of them, but if they ask to have you in the room, that's perfectly fine." She flipped through the papers on her clipboard for a moment. "I'd like to start with Anthony if that's okay with you."

"Sure," JJ replied quickly, using it as an excuse to stand up. She was becoming uncomfortable with the situation, even with having Emily's hand on her thigh. She saw the brunette's neutral facial expressions fade into those of an obviously concerned person. JJ could tell the sudden movement threw her, but ignored it for the moment, so she could address the problem at hand. The quicker Cassidy talked to the twins, the quicker she would leave, and the quicker she could cuddle her little family close (did she actually just refer to the twins as her family in her head?) and let the aroma of Emily's rose shampoo overtake the intrusive thoughts that were currently permeating her mind.

It didn't look like the blonde's wife liked that plan though. "Cassidy, would it be okay if I talked to my wife for a few minutes first?"

The young woman had noticed her blonde counterpart's anxious actions, had seen her micro-expressions give away something. She wasn't sure what though, and she was definitely more than okay with her new clients working through that before she did the rest of what she came to do. "Of course."

Cassidy was almost jealous of the relationship the two women had. She hadn't had anyone to help her through what had happened to her, and she knew that many people were in the same situation. She wanted to become a social worker to make sure that people like her had a support system, something she had desperately needed, but had only recently realized she'd deserved.

"Will you just show me where your bathroom is first?" For some reason, Cassidy had a feeling she would need to prepare for the conversations she was going to have with the twins. If the little girl, especially, was as willing to disclose to her as she was with JJ, she would need a moment to collect her thoughts.

JJ smiled. "Follow me." JJ led Cassidy to the powder room on the first floor before Emily reached for her hand and led her wife to the foyer by the stairs.

"What's going on, sweetheart?" Emily questioned softly.

JJ shrugged. She wasn't completely sure. She'd spent time with survivors before and it was never a problem. Was it because Cassidy looked like her? Claimed to have a similar past? Was it because when JJ was the social worker's age, it was right before she had met Emily, the dark before the dawn? Was it her discomfort with the thought of JJ's file being whisked around to everyone and anyone who asked for it? Was she simply frustrated at the thought that she would never be able to be objective again?

Emily continued. "You flinched. You haven't flinched in months. Are you okay? Did I do something?"

It was so like Emily to fear the worst here, to blame herself, and before JJ felt sympathy for her wife, she was angry for a moment. And then she was scared that her wife would be afraid to touch her. It was the gentleness and love behind her wife's touch that had gotten her through her darkest moments and the thought that Emily connected JJ's negative reaction to the action of her placing a hand on her thigh terrified her. "You didn't do anything. Sometimes I don't completely understand why things trigger me. I didn't have a flashback; I just felt really intense panic for a minute. Sometimes when that happens, I forget where I am, so I didn't recognize your touch for a second. But the moment I did…." JJ stepped forward and reached for Emily's hands. "I could never be afraid of these hands. These hands keep me sane."

Emily nodded slowly. "What made you panic?" she asked gently, releasing JJ's hands from hers so she could use them to give her a hug.

JJ allowed herself to take a moment to absorb the love that was emanating from Emily's hold on her before speaking. "When Cassidy said her story was similar to mine, I started wondering what _exactly_ happened to her and how similar it was to what happened to me."

"So, you started really thinking about what happened to you…in detail, I'm guessing?" Emily assumed, beginning to slowly move a hand up and down JJ's back.

JJ sighed. "Yeah. And the chair got hard and cold and your hand got rough and I…."

"So, you did have a flashback." It wasn't her fault and it was nothing she did consciously, but Emily couldn't help thinking that if she hadn't made the decision to touch her wife in that moment, this wouldn't have happened.

"I guess. It was more of an alternate universe kind of thing. It only lasted for a few seconds."

Emily smiled softly and pressed a kiss to JJ's hair. "You don't have to make it seem better than it is. I don't need you to comfort me, love. I am concerned, though, that your symptoms have gotten worse since your birthday and everything that happened."

JJ sighed shakily. "Do you think that once the twins are here for a while and everything settles down, it'll get better?"

"Maybe," Emily said slowly. "But there is a possibility that it won't. You are very overwhelmed right now, but that's not going to stop. And if you're going to spend as much time as you are now around other survivors and it's being around other survivors that is triggering you…."

"You think it's because of the twins."

Emily shook her head and squeezed JJ tighter to her. "I didn't say that. We're not giving up on the twins. We both know we can't send them back into the system right now. But we need to start brainstorming ways to help you cope with this. Because you know it's going to get worse."

"What about like…Rapid Resolution Therapy, or something like that?"

"You were never open to therapy before…." Emily pondered.

"Well, yeah," JJ confessed. "But I mean, that was before I actually thought _you_ were Shaffer for a second."

Emily noticeably tensed, and JJ would have saw her cringe if her eyes were open. JJ's PTSD had been on a roller coaster for as long as she could remember, but the overall trend was in the direction of improvement. That was changing, and whether or not the twins were the catalyst for it, they were not the ultimate cause of it. "Let's take care of the twins, and make sure they're relatively okay, and then we're going to focus on you for a bit. We need to start actively working through some stuff again."

Emily felt JJ nod against her chest. "Emily?"

"Mhm?" Emily moved one of her hands so that it was holding JJ's head against her chest.

The brunette heard her wife sigh. "I thought I was getting better."

 **AN: This chapter was originally going to be about the twins mostly, but I realized that JJ has been struggling and I haven't really addressed it, so I shifted my timeline a little. Cassidy will be talking to the twins in the next chapter. Let me know what you think!**


	33. Chapter 33

Strength and Healing

Chapter 33

 **AN: Happy New Year! Guess who's back? You guys, I am so sorry for the FOUR MONTH delay in updates! These past few months have been absolutely insane for me. I've had medical and family problems and my anxiety level has been off the charts! Luckily, I've managed to maintain my 4.0 GPA and things seem to be getting back on track. I don't want to make you guys wait any longer, so here is chapter 33!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

"What do you think of Cassidy, Chess?" Emily asked the little girl as she assisted her in putting the finishing touches on the lasagne for dinner.

Small brown eyes looked up at bigger ones. "She's nice. We colored a picture together and talked about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" the brunette asked casually. Cassidy had spent about two hours with Francesca in what had become her bedroom, and was currently doing the same thing with Tony. JJ kept her distance from both pairs of people in order to provide a chance for Cassidy to work her magic and order to give her foster daughter and her wife a chance to do some bonding. There was no questioning the fact that Chess had taken to the blonde immediately, but the older profiler's guarded personality had intimidated the child at first. Emily had bonded more with the little boy than the little girl, but Francesca seemed relatively comfortable laying lasagne noodles in a baking dish with her, even when JJ wasn't in her direct line of sight.

"Cassidy said what we talked about was gonna stay in my room. She said she wasn't gonna tell you and JJ, and I don't gotta talk about it if I don't wanna." The little girl was concerned. She had said some things to her new social worker that she wasn't sure she wanted her foster moms to hear. She wanted to stay with them, and couldn't see why they'd want to keep her and Tony if they found out what she told Cassidy about the other houses she had lived in.

"Cassidy is right, Chess. You definitely don't have to tell me what you guys talked about. I was just wondering if you wanted to tell me about it, but you don't have to. You can tell JJ, or you can just tell your pillows or your new stuffed animals. But you can't keep it in here," Emily explained, tapping her own temple. "That's what gives you nightmares. Does that make sense?" The little girl nodded. "Okay, good. Let's get dinner in the oven, and go see what JJ's up to."

Meanwhile, Cassidy Lane was busy getting to know her newest little charge. Anthony D'Agostino was pretty timid at first; he had learned to sit quietly and observe in his young life because he knew he was his sister's only line of defense. It was an odd sight for Cassidy to see a child so deeply invested in the well-being of another child. It wasn't that children were naturally selfish, but their tiny brains had only developed so much, and usually kids the twins' age were not able cognitively to comprehend the idea that each person in their lives had their own identity, thoughts, fears, and desires. In her experience, first-hand and through other case studies, Cassidy had observed that the development of children who had been through the types of trauma that Tony and Francesca had was usually stunted. But there were the rare cases in which she noticed children maturing rapidly in response to trauma, usually because they needed to, as a defense mechanism.

Tony had good reason to be protective of Francesca. The information she had gotten from her was nothing short of heartbreaking. Cassidy was grateful it came up organically, through Chess's explanation of a drawing with a predictable small amount of color. Though Francesca had disclosed abuse to JJ, she hadn't yet seemed to want to open up much to Emily, and Cassidy hoped her similarities to the blonde would be a comfort to the little girl.

Francesca had responded to each evaluation as an abuse survivor would. When asked which doll looked most like her, she had immediately selected an old tattered one, one that was barely clothed in ripped cotton and adorned pen and sharpie marks all over her face. When asked what she liked most about herself, she had stared down at her hands and refused to answer. And when asked about the dark picture, she had looked up at Cassidy and whispered, "Only princesses get colors. I'm not a princess anymore. I'm a bad girl."

Her conversation with Francesca had taken a turn when the little girl decided to tell Cassidy exactly why she wasn't a princess anymore. After asking the blonde if she was still going to be allowed to live with JJ and Emily, Francesca had asked to see her foster moms. She had leapt into JJ's arms the moment she walked into the room. "You okay, Chess?" JJ asked her softly.

Francesca nodded. "Miss Cassidy said I was a brave girl."

"You are brave, Chess. You're very brave, sweetheart," Emily assured her, running a hand over the little girl's dark hair. Knowing that Cassidy would probably want to talk to JJ specifically, the brunette asked, "Hey, Chess, what do you say we go get Tony and start dinner, hmm?"

Francesca's little face lit up as JJ let her down. Chess skipped out of the room and Emily was on her heels, pausing a moment to press a kiss of solidarity to her wife's forehead.

JJ sighed, turning to the social worker. "How bad?" she asked.

Cassidy had wordlessly held up the picture the girl had drawn, knowing the profiler would know what it meant.

Putting her thoughts about the little girl aside, Cassidy turned her attention to the little boy in front of her. Though protective of his sister, Tony also displayed signs of aggression, throwing the dolls he was provided with across the room and drawing his version of guns and other weapons with black and red crayons. This made sense psychologically. Children are very sensitive to observational learning, and Tony's actions were pretty textbook, as he mimicked the violence he had seen directed at his mother, sister, and other people in his life.

"Tony," Cassidy started, breaking the silence, "can you tell me about the day JJ and Emily took you from your dad's house?"

"What about it?" he asked monotonously, continuing his frantic coloring. He was using so much pressure that the paper had several rips in it.

"Do you remember what happened right before your dad was shot?"

"The doorbell rang, and Daddy told Francesca to go get it, but I think before she opened the door, someone kicked it down, like in action movies."

"Uh huh, and what happened after that?"

"I wanted to see my sister to make sure she was okay, but Daddy didn't want me to, and he grabbed me and he got his gun from by his bed. When Emily and the other guy came in, he pointed the gun at me and said he was gonna shoot me. Then I heard a loud noise and Daddy fell down. And then I saw Francesca again." The little boy smiled. "We are safe here. That's what Emily tells us."

There was a knock at the door and it opened to reveal Emily. "Sorry to interrupt, just wanted to check in on little man."

"I'm good, Emily," Tony said. "I am a little hungry though. Can I have dinner?"

Emily laughed gently, placing a hand on his head. "Of course, bud. It's almost ready. Do you wanna go help your sister put out paper dishes and forks?"

Tony nodded excitedly. "Do you want me to get JJ too, so you guys can talk?" The two adults in the room looked confused at Tony's awareness of how this procedure worked. "We've been in other houses. This is usually how it works." He shrugged, getting up and going to find Francesca.

Emily's eyes were instantly pulled to the picture he had drawn, and she stared at it until JJ walked into the room. Cassidy noticed. "I would definitely recommend that Tony get involved in some sort of physical activity, a sport maybe. Something to help him release aggression. And Francesca needs to become involved in something to help boost her self-esteem. I'm more than happy to be a resource to bounce ideas off of in this process. Now, I'm assuming you are planning on fostering the twins long-term?"

JJ and Emily both nodded, sitting down across from the social worker.

"That's good. They are going to need stability to recover and heal from what they've been through and witnessed. I know you are both aware of how trauma manifests itself in people's lives and I'm not going to insult your intelligence by going through the nitty gritty of it all. That being said, I think we need to get them both into some form of counseling."

Both women nodded, and Emily reached for JJ's hand under the table. "They would need a specialist right?" the brunette asked.

"Yes," Cassidy confirmed. "I have associates that specialize in childhood trauma. I can connect you with them and we can figure out together how to match each of them with a counselor."

"And what about the Johnsons?" JJ asked. She wanted to do everything in her power to spare Francesca from testifying in court or more forced questions and more people intruding on her thoughts, but she couldn't stop thinking about the kids that could be placed with them next.

"I think our next step would be working towards getting their license to foster revoked, but this is a bite by bite process. I'm fairly confident that as the twins become more comfortable that they will share more with you both. We need more information if any criminal prosecution is to come of this, but that's far off and far out, if I'm being honest. But I'm sure you know how these types of investigations go."

"So," Emily questioned, "our next course of action is…?"

"Get them in school, get them in counseling, get them involved. They need to learn that life is more than just survival. They can thrive in a home like yours, and our collective job is to give them that hope. I'll be here for the long haul with all four of you."

Cassidy stood up, and reached out to shake both women's hands, before pointing out two pairs of impatient eyes staring in through the partially opened door. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I'm interrupting family dinner."

Their cover blown, Tony and Chess stepped into the room, joining their foster moms. "I folded the napkins into triangles!" Francesca announced proudly, receiving a high five from all three adults.

" I will call you in the next few days with some connections, and I expect to see you in the next few weeks. Sound good?"

JJ and Emily nodded and Cassidy turned to the twins, kneeling down. "It was so great to meet you both today. You were really fun to hang out with!"

"Can we have another playdate soon?" Tony asked.

"We've never had a playdate before!" Chess added.

"Absolutely, little ones. I hope you all enjoy your dinner. It smells delicious. You guys did a great job making it."

After JJ walked Cassidy out, the four of them sat down to their dinner, which was delicious, but the best part of it was Francesca's exquisitely folded napkins, which she was incredibly proud of, and rightfully so.

That night, JJ had an awfully hard time falling asleep, but she managed to drift off eventually. Emily, on the other hand, didn't close her eyes once. She had a lot on her plate. She was grateful for the people in her home; each meant so much to her, and she hated to see them all hurting. Like everything else, it would just take time.

The brunette was pulled out of her thoughts by her wife awaking with a start. The blonde didn't speak or move, but simply lied there, eventually making eye contact with her wife, who was sitting up against a pillow. Emily reached a hand out to brush a strand of hair out of JJ's face. "Hey," she spoke softly. "You have a nightmare?"

JJ nodded, moving slightly onto her back. "Uh, yeah."

"What about?" Emily asked, shifting herself to face JJ.

"It was just…it was just about Lizzy," she admitted, sighing.

"I hardly think the word 'just' belongs in that sentence." This was Emily's go-to retort for this type of language, as it was true, and JJ knew very well that her wife said lots of true things.

"Look, Em." JJ let out a frustrated breath, trying to roll back over. "I'm fine. This is normal for me. I just want to go back to sleep."

Emily stopped her from getting situated back in bed, a hand gently but firmly grabbing her arm. "You can't do that, Jen. You can't, baby. You can't just ignore what you feel and how what you have through manifests itself in your life. You have to acknowledge this nightmare. It's not an isolated event. It's only going to get worse if you pretend it didn't happen. That's how PTSD works, my love. It demands to be heard."

JJ yanked her arm out of her wife's grasp, a sympathetic smile momentarily gracing her lips as she rolled completely over. "Yeah, well, I'm tired of listening."

 **AN: Is this a triumphant return? You guys, I am really so sorry for my absence. I'm hoping to update more regularly now. Do I still have you guys? Please leave a comment and let me know.**

 **-Gabby**


	34. Chapter 34

Strength and Healing

Chapter 34

 **AN: So, Donald Trump is the president. I'm not sure how evident it is in this story (cough cough sarcasm cough) but I'm not happy about that. You guys, I am heartbroken at the state of our world, and I try to do whatever I can to spread militant peace and unspeakable love. I realize the seriousness of the content I write and I know that lots of survivors read my stories. I want everyone to know that I am always a safe space for venting, disclosures of any kind, and advice. Thank you all for sticking with me through this rollercoaster we call life. Here is chapter 34.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

The night before the twins were to start school, JJ and Emily had the BAU team over for a family gathering. Over the past few weeks, the team had gotten to know Tony and Chess, and were just as smitten with them as their foster moms. The twins even seemed to be pretty comfortable with them. Francesca had bonded with Penelope and Tony had bonded with Morgan.

JJ was pulled away from the kitchen table where Spencer was attempting to remind Francesca how to play chess when her cell phone rang. It was Annie, who knew the twins had their first day of school the next day and wanted to know when she would be able to meet them.

"Mom, you know we have a lot of stuff going on right now. They are so easily overwhelmed, and with Emily going back to work tomorrow-"

"With Emily going back to work tomorrow," Annie interrupted, "you're going to need the help more than ever. C'mon, Jenny, I'm not asking you to call me grandma. I just want to get to know them. They seem like great kids."

JJ sighed. "They are. They're so great, mom. They're amazing and they're so brave, and I'm getting really attached to them and I'm just afraid—"

Annie interrupted again, knowing her daughter incredibly well. "—that if you integrate them completely into your life, it'll be impossible to give them up."

"Yeah," JJ admitted shakily, closing the door to her bedroom. "I love them and Emily loves them and Morgan loves them and Spencer loves them and the rest of the team loves them. And I know you're going to love them. They've barely been here for two months and I catch myself referring to them as our kids in my head. I don't know what to do, Mom."

"I think you need to take everything day by day, darling, just like everything else. Have you spoken to Emily about this?"

"I haven't spoken to Emily about much lately, actually."

"And why is that?" Annie interrogated.

"I've just been dealing with a lot, Mom. I'm okay though."

"I don't see why you would think that's an excuse to pull back from your wife, Jenny. I would say it's a perfect reason to open up to her more, don't you think?"

"Yeah, Emily said the same thing," she said hurriedly. "Look, mom, we have some stuff to do before tomorrow morning, so I've got to go. I promise you'll meet the twins soon. Love you."

JJ heard her mom sigh disappointedly on the other end of the phone. "Love you too, baby."

The blonde opened her bedroom door to find her wife standing outside of it, preparing to knock. "Who called?" Emily asked casually.

"Oh, just my mom checking in," JJ replied with faked nonchalance.

Emily hadn't changed the way she approached her support in JJ's healing process, but in the last few weeks, the younger woman had felt smothered and invaded by her wife's concern. She knew logically that nothing had changed in Emily and the sole culprit for the change in their dynamic was herself, but it was easier for the blonde to deny, deny, deny, and blame Emily for the discomfort that had settled between them.

"Oh?" Emily prompted with interest, hoping against hope her wife would start a conversation with her. She had barely initiated more than small talk in the past few weeks, and it was so uncharacteristic for her that Emily had really started to worry.

JJ just gave her wife a small nod in acknowledgement and then walked past her to go sit with Chess and Spence. They didn't pressure her to talk.

Emily sighed in frustration. Was it really a good time for her to go back to work? Could she use the twins going to school as a way to trap JJ alone in the house with her? Would she talk if there was nothing else to occupy her cluttered mind? Emily loved how her wife had learned to live life on her own terms, but the stubbornness that came with that had often times built a wall in between them. Emily usually knew how to knock it down, but this time, she was at a loss. The blonde had never been so unwilling to talk to her, and the brunette didn't know what to do.

The next morning, Emily had planned to drive the twins to school and then head to work, picking them up on her way home. Hotch had insisted that Emily pull desk duty for the next few weeks at least before going back to traveling for cases, and though a part of Emily wanted to challenge her boss on that, she knew she needed to be at home as much as possible.

"Are you excited to go back to school today, Chess?" JJ asked the little girl as she braided her hair. Chess shrugged. "Are you nervous?" The girl shrugged again. JJ sighed. "Why don't you want to talk to me about this, sweetie? It's important to talk about these things."

Francesca looked up at JJ through the mirror. "You don't really believe that," she accused.

"What do you mean, Francesca?" JJ's eyes narrowed in confusion. "Of course I believe that."

"No, you don't." JJ couldn't decide if she was proud of her foster daughter for taking a stand and not worrying that she would be in trouble or annoyed at her for questioning her intentions. "You don't talk to Emily anymore. And I can tell she's really sad about it. Why don't you talk to her?"

JJ took a deep breath. "I do talk to Emily, sweetheart. I talk to Emily all the time." The blood put the hair tie in Francesca's hair and went to kneel next to her.

The girl turned to face her. "Emily always says that if you don't talk about things, you have a lot of nightmares. I don't want you to have nightmares, JJ. Can you talk to Emily please?"

JJ smiled sadly. "Sometimes, it's really hard to talk about the things that scare you."

Francesca nodded. "I know. You're scared that someone is going to tell you that you should be scared. You're scared that the stuff you're scared of is real. But talking to someone is the only way to know that it's not real."

"You're really smart, tiny human, you know that?"

Francesca smiled cheekily. "That's why you call me Chess."

There was a knock on the door before Emily cracked it open. "You look beautiful, princess," the brunette told Francesca, receiving a goofy smile in return. "You ready, bug?"

Francesca nodded, deciding to confide in Emily instead of JJ. "I'm a little scared. Will you walk to my class with me and meet my teacher?" The blonde couldn't help the hurt reaction that spread on her face.

Was she pushing her kids away too? _Gah! There it is again._

 _They're not my kids._

"Of course, love. Go ahead and grab your backpack and I'll meet you guys by the front door."

Francesca gave JJ a quick hug and a pointed look before trotting out of the room in search of her brother. Emily opened her mouth to say something to JJ, but the blonde spoke first. "Will you pick up dinner on the way home?" she said absently, cleaning up the hair products that had been splayed across Chess's desk. "We don't have much in the refrigerator." The blonde barely waited for a response in the form of a nod before striding out of the bedroom to say bye to Tony.

Emily joined the trio by the door. "Alright, munchkins, why don't you go ahead and get in the car? I'll be right out." The kids skipped out the door and Emily closed it behind them.

JJ knew she was trapped. She couldn't help the sweat beginning to pool on her palms and forehead. "Jen." Emily's voice was pained. "You gotta talk to me, baby. I don't know what to do."

"Emily, I'm not ready to talk." JJ tried to step past Emily, but the older profiler blocked her. "Em, please let me by. I'm tired. I need to go lie down."

Emily nodded sadly before moving slightly to the left, letting her wife walk by her. "Jen?"

JJ stopped walking. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

JJ looked down at the ground, her voice breaking. "I love you too." She continued her journey into the bedroom and closed the door, listening for the sound of the brunette's car driving away.

* * *

 _The brunette had always been careful with sex, especially when it came to touching the younger woman's neck. JJ had always assured her girlfriend that she was okay and was not bothered by Emily kissing her neck, but her reaction to the touch didn't corroborate that story._

 _Emily was very conflicted. She didn't know if she should trust the confident voice telling her she was fine or the nervous tension in JJ's body that screamed the opposite. On the day she found out the answer to that question, it had been about six months since the two women had had their first date and JJ had admitted to Emily that she had experienced abuse in past sexual relationships. The stories that had been told to her were vague and fuzzy, which made sense because sharing with Emily often felt like remembering a bad dream to JJ herself._

 _On this particular night, JJ and Emily had spent time in the house they had recently bought together. The brunette had made a romantic dinner and JJ was still in awe at the level of care Emily treated her with. They were lying together in the afterglow of sex when Emily decided to press a kiss to the hollow of her girlfriend's neck. It was chaste in every way, but it lingered, and there was a point where she felt JJ's whole body tense below her and she gasped for air. In that moment, everything slowed down. Emily pulled away, attempting to meet JJ's gaze, which was behind and above her._

 _Emily had never blatantly brought it up with her girlfriend, but she was beginning to suspect that JJ was suffering from extreme post-traumatic stress._

 _God, JJ was textbook PTSD._

" _Jen," Emily spoke softly. "Baby, it's okay. It's me, it's Emily."_

 _The brunette decided to give JJ some space for a moment, rolling off of her entirely, leaving a hand brushing sweaty blonde strands back their only remaining physical contact. Emily knew the only thing she could do was wait for JJ to come back to her, and then maybe they could talk._

 _After a few minutes, Emily saw JJ's eyes meet her own. "Emily," the blonde whispered, getting a small smile in response._

" _I'm here, sweetheart," Emily assured here. "I promise it's just me."_

 _A tear escaped on of JJ's eyes. "I'm really sorry, Em."_

" _Shhh," Emily cooed, wiping away the tear. "You didn't do anything wrong, my love."_

" _Yes, I did," JJ forced. "I thought you were…I thought—_ how is that okay _?" she choked out._

 _Emily moved to wrap both arms around her future wife. "My sweet girl, what's not okay is what happened to make you react to my touch that way. Your reaction is completely understandable. Can you tell me what I did so I know not to do it again?"_

" _Um…you didn't really do anything, I just…." She trailed off._

" _It's okay, baby. Tell me what happened," Emily coaxed her shaky girlfriend gently, continuing to gingerly play with her hair, an action the brunette knew comforted JJ very much._

" _One of my other girlfriends, the last one," JJ clarified, "liked to choke me. I know some people are into that. I'm not."_

 _Emily nodded slowly, trying to maintain a poker face. "Keep going, love." JJ looked at her, unsure. "Whatever it is…it's not going to happen to you ever again, I promise you. You're safe now."_

 _JJ nodded, sighing shakily. "She would use the weight of her body to hold me down, and…she would wrap both hands around my neck and kiss it—like you did—at the same time. I, um, I started to associate that type of kissing with not being able to breathe. Em?"_

" _Yeah, baby?"_

" _Do you think that maybe we could try that again, so I can break the association?"_

 _Emily smiled, reaching for her girlfriend's hand. "I think that's a great idea. You've had an exhausting night though, so we can talk about it more in the morning."_

 _JJ nodded, cuddling in closer to Emily. "Can I tell you something?"_

" _Always."_

" _I think I have PTSD."_

* * *

When Emily and the kids came home that evening, JJ was still in bed. The brunette fed the twins and helped them with their homework assignments, before helping them get ready to settle in for the evening. Both of them were in bed by nine, and then Emily decided it was time to get to the bottom of what was going on with her wife.

Emily slowly padded into the room and changed into sleeping clothes. She then gingerly climbed onto the bed, surprised when a startled JJ sat up with a start. She had clearly had a nightmare. Emily immediately launched into reassurance mode. "Hey," she whispered, reaching a hand out towards her wife. "Easy, my love. Easy. It's just me."

JJ sniffed, shaking the nightmare out of her head. "Sorry," she mumbled, wiping sweat from her face.

Emily nodded. "It's okay," she promised, becoming frustrated when JJ looked like she was ready to go quiet again and lie back down in bed. "Jen, this has gone on for too long," the brunette blurted. Emily was not one to pressure her wife into talking, but she couldn't take it anymore. "You need to talk to me and you need to talk to me now."

JJ was flabbergasted. This was a new side of her wife; her words were so incredibly desperate. JJ knew she couldn't maintain her silence anymore. She didn't even know where to start. So, she just voiced one of the things that had been on her mind. "Justin Shaffer killed those women because of me. It's my fault." JJ knew the younger Shaffer brother had committed those crimes to get the BAU's attention, so he could finish his brother Jackson's plan to kill JJ.

Emily knew this is how JJ's mind worked. She would say nothing for the longest time, but when she was ready to blow, there was no time for pleasantries or introductions. The brunette followed her wife's lead and dove right in. "No, it's not, Jen. It was his decision to kidnap those couples. This isn't on you, love. This is on him."

JJ had an arsenal of proof prepared and wasn't going to let her wife win the battle of whose fault it was this time. "Emily. If you found out that there was another case connected to mine, if Jackson Shaffer murdered Annabelle, Sasha, Elizabeth, and Ivana, and abducted me because of some other case, tell me you wouldn't blame the people involved in the other case."

Emily stuttered. "I can't say that I would."

"But you can't say that you wouldn't."

"Baby," Emily sighed. "That's a totally different situation. It's not the same thing."

"It is!" JJ pressed.

"No. It isn't."

"Yes, it is. Those women had lives," she explained. "They were wives and daughters and friends. Just like I am a wife and a daughter and a friend. They had Emilys and Annies and Penelopes."

Emily knew what JJ was trying to say, but it didn't mean anything. "That doesn't change the fact that it's not your fault. They're still totally separate events, both of which are entirely the fault of the perpetrator, and you know that."

JJ sighed shakily, wiping away a tear that had begun to fall. "I know. I just…it's been too much lately. With everything…since my birthday."

Emily reached to brush a strand of JJ's hair behind her ear and let her fingers linger to graze across her flushed cheek. "I know, sweetheart. Which is why…which is why I talked to Hotch today about setting up an appointment with Dr. Alexander."

"I'll see a therapist, Em, I swear I will, but…but not him. Please. Please don't make me see him. He…he kind of looks like Shaffer. He always made me uncomfortable. I don't want—"

"Hey," Emily interrupted gently. "Breathe, baby. You don't have to see him. We'll find you someone else. It'll be okay."

JJ nodded slowly, accepting the reassurance. "I'm sorry for shutting you out, Em."

"It's okay."

"No," she argued. "It's not okay. God, I feel like such an ass. You've done everything for me, been everything to me, and I've been treating you like shit. I'm so, so sorry. You didn't deserve that."

Emily smiled, cradling JJ's face in her hands, before leaning forward to kiss her. "It's okay. We're going to get you some help, okay? But you have to be willing to let people help you. You have to be a willing participant here, sweetheart."

JJ nodded. "I know. I'm going to work on it. Can we have my mom over this weekend? She's dying to meet the twins."

"Absolutely. I think that's a great idea." The brunette paused for a moment. "Um, can I ask what that nightmare was about? Now that you're talking to me again, I mean?" Emily smiled light-heartedly.

JJ nodded, lying back down and taking a deep breath. "Yeah. It was about Lizzy. What…uh…what she used to do to me." JJ gestured to her neck, swallowing hard.

Emily thought for a moment about how to respond. She smiled lovingly at her wife after a moment, placing one hand on the top of her head against the pillow as she bent down to press a lingering kiss to the hollow of her wife's neck. The brunette felt JJ swallow and squeezed one of her hands in response. Eventually, Emily lifted her lips to JJ's, kissing her for a few moments before pulling back once more. "This…" She gestured to the air around them, referring to the tenseness that had settled between the two women over the past few weeks. "I can't shake the feeling that there's something else going on."

JJ sighed. "It occurred to me that it's been twenty years since I was with Erin." She lifted her tank top slightly, revealing the faded scar that resided on her abdomen. Emily looked at her intensely, waiting for her to continue. "Today is the twentieth anniversary of the day she gave me this scar."

Emily gently moved JJ's hand and took control of the fabric of her wife's top. She moved it up a few more inches so the bottom of it was resting on her ribcage. She maintained eye contact with her wife, searching for any signs that she was uncomfortable with was happening. She found none.

The brunette poured every ounce of love within her into the kiss she pressed to the scarred skin below her, whispering "I love you" to JJ, before kissing another piece of skin. "I love you."

 **AN: Let me know what you think! What do you want to see next? Please leave a review for me-they are my greatest motivators!-Gabby**


	35. Chapter 35

Strength and Healing

Chapter 35

 **AN: Hey guys! I am not going to bother apologizing for the long interval between updates because I know it'll happen again. But never fear because I am back with Chapter 35! I have a few more chapters in mind before I start moving through time a little bit, but before I do, I wanted to ask for your input. What do YOU want to see? Please let me know! Thanks!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."_

 _-Unknown_

On one particular Friday in the end of spring, Hotch had told Emily and the rest of A team to stay home since there was no case currently assigned to the BAU. Because of this, the brunette had come straight home after dropping off the twins at school. There had been a few hiccups at the beginning, but for the most part, the two wards of the state were fairly decent students. Tony enjoyed social studies and Chess enjoyed reading. They had settled into the routine of coming home from school, sharing a snack in the kitchen, and then starting on their homework with their foster mothers. It was going incredibly well.

There were times when Tony forgot that this wasn't a permanent placement, times when it conveniently slipped his mind that nothing was safe, certainly not love. Francesca, however didn't have the same luck. Reminders of the insecurity of her current situation came to her daily. They hit her sharply in the middle of relaxed laughter, haunted her in vivid night terrors as she slept, drowned her sensation of safety as she bathed, and assaulted her in flashbacks hovering tauntingly above her forehead in a excruciatingly impressive game of _I'm not touching you._ When she thought about it, _really_ thought about it, she couldn't recall the last time she was this safe in a home. And it made the fact that she didn't _feel_ safe even more unbearable.

JJ, for her part, wasn't doing all that much better. After she and Emily had that talk on the night of the twins' first day of school, the blonde had retreated back into her toxic shell, having had made room for months more's worth of baggage inside her unhealthy sanctuary. There was so much on her mind—about the twins, about Emily, about the BAU, about _everything._ But because she so desperately feared being a burden—especially to her incredible wife, who had the tendency to shoulder everything for the people she loved and never complain about it, even when she ought to—she kept it all inside. She didn't have anyone to tell really. Her mom would give her a "talk to your wife" speech, and since she had decided to put of pursuing an appointment with a therapist, that wasn't an option either. And even if she could confide in Emily, the brunette's unbreakable patience would not be of help. The truth of the matter is the woman wanted to be yelled at, insulted, attacked, and blamed— for something. _Everything._ Why did no one but she feel like she was at fault for the women Justin Shaffer killed, Erin's suicide, Emily's pain, the atrocities the twins had to suffer through in the months they lived with the Johnsons? She deserved what should have been coming to her.

JJ was craving abuse.

This was new. She didn't understand how this need to be on the receiving end of violence came to be. It scared her to the point where she refused to answer phone calls from her mom—who just wanted to check up on the twins, whom she had met and now adored- knowing she would say something to provoke her anger just for the satisfaction of being berated. She even toyed with the idea of getting in contact with the Ambassador.

She had put up a front with Emily for weeks, and though JJ found it hard to believe that her wife was buying the bullshit she was selling, the brunette acted as if everything was normal. JJ knew Emily was trying to be careful with her. It was suffocating. She needed to get out of the house for a little while before it was time to pick up the twins. They didn't deserve a half-assed version of JJ.

A ping from her phone brought her out of her self-hatred-induced stupor.

Emily was downstairs reading her newest self-help book on supporting trauma survivors when JJ came padding into the living room. Emily's eyes lit up at the sight of her wife, and though it annoyed her at first, the involuntary greeting melted JJ's heart. She knew her desire to be hurt by Emily was irrational. In the early years of her dating life, she had come to get used to punishment for anything and everything, even nothing. And to feel as guilty and ashamed as she did in that moment and receive nothing but gentleness in response was almost worse than the beating she had learned to expect with Erin. The blonde knew that if Emily ever learned of the thoughts her wife was having at that very moment, it would shatter her tender heart into an irreparable amount of shards.

Emily put down her book and stood up to give JJ her full attention. "You okay, Jennifer? You've been upstairs a long time…."

"Uh, yeah, I, um, I was talking to Amanda actually," JJ explained, sitting down next to Emily.

The brunette was so ecstatic about the fact that her wife was initiating a conversation with her that she momentarily forgot to prompt further interaction. "Amanda? Really?"

JJ nodded. "Yeah, um, she asked about why we haven't been coming to group meetings. She and Sarah have been wondering. I told her a little about the twins." She hesitated for a moment, before blurting out, "Em, can I ask for a favor?"

Emily's smile grew wider. JJ was _asking_ for something. "Absolutely. What do you need?"

JJ subconsciously shifted a few inches further away from Emily. "She invited me to come hang out at the park. Would you be okay picking the kids up from school later? Since we're holding off on therapy until after the school year is over, I think it might be a good idea to talk to her…about everything. Ask her about some things." _Have you ever wanted—no, needed—Brian to yell at you? Hit you? Hold you down? How can you bear it knowing you've destroyed his life? Do you ever wish Erin just would have killed you?_

Emily nodded eagerly. "I appreciate the explanation, love, but you don't have to justify a trip to the park. You know that."

JJ plastered on a smile. "It's a respect thing, babe, not a fear thing." She was being truthful, mostly. She wasn't afraid of Emily. But sometimes she wanted to be.

The brunette seemed to accept that answer, reaching out to give JJ's upper thigh a light squeeze before standing up and striding into the kitchen. "You gonna be home for dinner?" Emily projected over the sound of the dishwasher.

JJ followed the sound of her wife's voice into the kitchen, knowing that even though it had been more than two months since the Shaffer case in LA, speaking loudly often caused Emily's healing ribs to become sore. "Yeah, I don't think I could spend the whole day in the park anyway."

Emily nodded, opening up the refrigerator as the blonde leaned against the closet door next to it. "What do you want to have?"

JJ shrugged. "It's not a big deal to me. You choose," she surrendered nonchalantly.

"Hmm…" Emily thought. "We have stuff to make homemade pizzas. That could be fun. Or I can make that pasta T and Chess really liked last week. What do you think?"

"I honestly don't have a preference, sweetheart," JJ stressed, becoming frustrated. "Just pick one." She didn't understand why Emily had to make everything a negotiation. The blonde didn't have to consent to _dinner._

Emily nodded, giving up. That particular conversation had effectively ended. Emily didn't know how much longer they could go on like this. She loved her wife to no end and would never consider giving up on the relationship, but something had to change. The brunette knew that all the years of abject abuse had damaged her wife's interpersonal communication skills and ability to deal with conflict productively, but she knew the younger woman was more than capable if she just _tried_. She was hopeful that the camaraderie she shared with Amanda would be helpful in establishing and repairing the link between the soul mates that had weakened will the tribulations of the last few months. She knew that her mother would blame their relationship troubles on the twins, but the truth was the twins were just the jenga block that knocked the tower over, just the fatal blow in a battle that would have reached its climax sooner or later, one that had been brewing since the blonde's abduction.

JJ wanted to be told what to do. It's what she was used to, comfortable with even. Emily would never even consider it. Theirs was a relationship of equals and the brunette would not sacrifice proving that to the love of her life to maintain a level of superficial comfort.

As JJ went to open the front door and leave, she heard Emily approaching her.  
"Hey. I love you."

JJ smiled involuntarily. "I love you too," she sighed, her smile turning into a sad one.

The brunette grasped the hand that turned the door handle, stilling it, causing JJ to look up at Emily. "We're gonna be okay," she promised.

Once she arrived at the park, she took the small trek into the woods towards Peace Creek. It was such a nice day outside; it reminded her of the day she had first stood up to Erin in that café. When she arrived at the water's edge, Amanda was there waiting for her. The blonde could tell the younger woman was truly happy to see her and it boosted her own mood. Amanda pulled her in for a hug. "Hey, you! My goodness, JJ, motherhood suits you. You're glowing."

JJ couldn't resist the gallows humor. "Nah, that's the bags under my eyes and being sleep-deprived for twenty years."

Amanda smiled in understanding. "Seriously though, JJ, I've never met a more maternal person. Those kids are lucky."

They chatted light heartedly for a few minutes before Amanda asked the blonde to detail how they had gotten to where they were. "You look like you need a therapy session," the woman prompted, sitting down next to her as JJ began to speak, JJ skipping rocks lazily.

"I don't know, I just…" the blonde finished. I can't help blaming myself for some of the things they've gone through. If we never killed their father—"

"Then maybe _he_ would have _killed_ them. Or they would have been taken out of that house eventually. Even if your team didn't storm into that house, they wouldn't have lasted their long. You couldn't have avoided this. They weren't going to escape the system."

"But we put them into the system."

"And now you're taking them out. My God, what I would have given to have had a placement like those kids do. They could still be with the Johnsons, but they're not. They're safe with you and Emily. Focus on that."

JJ nodded. "Yeah, I'm gonna try to do that."

"Good." Amanda smiled, nudging the blonde in a friendly manner. "Now, tell me, Agent Jareau, how are things going with your wife?" she questioned, mimicking her own therapist.

JJ laughed before sobering. "Okay. Emily's an angel as usual. But sex, for one, is a chore."

"Yeah, I've heard kids can really put a damper on things." Mandy laughed.

"No, it's actually not the twins. It's all the questions she asks."

"Oh, like she worries when you tell her you're not in the mood?" Amanda assumed. "Brian does that."

JJ shook her head. "She never asks questions when I say no. But when I say yes, the third degree begins. Actually, no, I never say yes, because Emily makes me initiate it every time. And even then, she doesn't completely believe I want it. She has to ask over and over again."

"What does she ask?" Amanda couldn't help being curious.

"My God, it's _are you sure?_ And then she needs to cover her bases with _have you had any nightmares this week?_ And _when was the last time you had a flashback?_ And _have you been jumpy at all today?_ And then of course there's _do you want to stop?_ And then _are you sure?_ Again. And she won't even accept a nod. It has to be verbal. And then she starts in with _what do you want?_ And _how do you want it?_ And _do you want the lights on? Or do you want them off?_ _Do you want me to kiss your scars or pretend they're not there? Is this okay?_ Every thirty seconds. _Is it okay if I..._ Every minute. I can't even hear myself think. I have to answer so many questions that I'm exhausted before she even touches me. She keeps asking me if what she's doing feels good, but how could it when all I can think about is that what she thinks about in bed is that I'm a victim? The whole time. That I'm some fragile rag doll tied to a bomb. ... I must sound like such an ass...and an ungrateful bitch. But it's not that I don't appreciate it. I love her for it, I do, but it's all so overwhelming. I have to make every choice about everything every single time. I'm so tired of making decisions. I need her to take control sometimes. I trust her to take care of me. I know she would never hurt me."

"Does she know all of this?"

"I don't know."

"Have you told her?" _What an obvious question._

"I don't know how, Amanda. Emily has a tough exterior, but underneath she is so sensitive. I don't want to hurt her."

"I think it would hurt her more," Amanda pondered, "if she knew you were keeping all of this from her. I mean, she's asking all these questions, so you aren't lacking in opportunity to tell her."

JJ nodded. "I will. I need to. For her too. I don't see how she could enjoy sex either when she only ever thinks about my comfort." the blonde sighed. "How do you and Brian handle this?"

"There a ways to communicate without words, JJ." Amanda thought for a moment. "Consent has to be affirmative but it doesn't have to be verbal."

"Try telling my wife that."

"I will if you need me to, but I think it would be received a lot better if it came from you."

JJ laughed after a moment. "Seems like you've learned a lot in these meetings."

"It's really enlightening speaking to other couples. Everyone has been asking about you guys. You need to come back."

"We want to. We just have to make sure the twins are okay first. There are a lot of things that we need to talk about, so I'll get to it. Promise."

"Maybe this weekend?"

"We'll see. We'll need childcare."

Mandy laughed. "I'd volunteer, but I have some support group meeting to go to."

Emily was waiting in the car rider line for her young charges when she got a text message from JJ. "Heading home. What's your ETA?"

She saw the twins walk out of the building towards the car as she sent a quick reply. "Getting in the car. See you in ten. Xoxoxo."

Happy to see the children, the brunette greeted them excitedly. "Hey, guys! How was your day?"

Francesca whispered "okay" and Tony mumbled "good" at the same time, eyeing each other.

Emily was concerned. Usually, the twins were excited to share details about their day. "Aw, not you guys too," Emily sighed, referring to her wife. "C'mon, love bugs, what's going on?"

The twins made eye contact as they stressed, "nothing!" Tony's eyes were guilty, but Chess's expressed pure fear with a hint of determination.

Before the brunette could say something, her phone rang. She put in on speaker to keep her hands free for driving. "Hey, Annie! You got me and the twins," she said by way of warning.

Annie didn't seem to care much about being on speaker phone and she launched into her spiel. "Emily, you need to tell her wife to pick up the dang phone! All I want is to spend time with the twins and she's ignoring me."

The profiler attempted to diffuse the situation. "Annie, I'm sure she's not purposefully ignoring you. She has a lot on her mind."

"Good. She can talk about what's on her mind. This weekend. When the twins are having a sleepover with me." Emily eyed said children and watched as their eyes expressed equal parts excitement and trepidation. "That's not an offer."

"Annie, we appreciate that, but I'm not sure they're ready to—"

"I get it, Emily. But don't just shoot it down. Talk to them. And your wife. Make her _talk to you._ "

"Okay, Annie, but no promises," she sighed.

The brunette could practically hear the smile at the other end of the phone. "That's why you're my favorite!" she squealed in excitement before saying goodbye to her daughter-in-law and the twins and hanging up.

"What do you guys think about spending the weekend with Annie?" she attempted to ask casually.

"Are we in trouble?" Tony blurted, earning a stern "Shhh!" and a swat from his sister.

"Francesca," Emily warned. "Baby, you know we don't express anger with our hands."

Chess nodded. "Sorry, Emily," she whispered.

"It's okay, sweet pea. And Tony, of course you're not in trouble. Why would you be in trouble?"

Before he could answer, Emily pulled into the driveway and the kids quickly excited the car and went into the house. _Great, now everyone in my family won't talk to me. At least I still have Annie._

She entered the house to find JJ peeling an orange for the twins, while Tony haphazardly tried to pour milk into the glass Chess was diligently holding still. Emily gently took the carton of milk from the boy, not in the mood to clean up a mess. Once they were set up with their snack, Emily looked at JJ. "Hey, can I talk to you inside for a minute?"

JJ nodded, placing a few napkins on the table for the twins before following her wife into their bedroom. "Is everything okay?" JJ asked, concerned.

"Um, I'm not sure. Jennifer, you've been acting really weird lately, and now the twins won't even talk to me." JJ wasn't sure she was ready to have this conversation, nor was the context appropriate. They needed to be alone to discuss everything they needed to talk about. "They're usually really happy to see me after school, but they were acting really weird. How should we approach figuring out what's going on, baby? With them and with us. I'm sort of lost here."

JJ nodded. "I…" she began, but was cut off sharply by the sound of a crash from the kitchen.

 **AN: Uh oh! What do you think happened? What do you want to happen? Let me know!**

 **BTW I need to go to bed, so I literally did not proofread this at all. I'm sure I'll regret it!**


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